


I Don't Have a Problem

by D_OscoveryChanyeol



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:48:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 47,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_OscoveryChanyeol/pseuds/D_OscoveryChanyeol
Summary: Chanyeol is addicted to pickles. He eats them all day, everyday. Sometimes even sneaking out for a little snack, which almost every time wakes Sehun up at night. As an attempt to prevent this and out of worry for his friend's health, Sehun proposes a bet claiming Chanyeol can't eat pickles for a whole month. Chanyeol, denying his addiction, of course takes him up on it. Loser has to do whatever the winner says.
Relationships: Oh Sehun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. Entry 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this story is apart of an exercise i did for writing. the goal was to write everyday with from prompt given to me. it was supposed to help me be more creative and write on the fly. so thats what this story is.   
> in the beginning it didnt have a "real" goal. all i knew was that i wanted it to be a romance somewhere, and i wanted it to be funny and be able to be taken seriously. so because of that, the story starts goofy, but it finds a balance along the way.  
> so with all this being said, i hope you enjoy the journey watching this story transform as i find a real direction with it. it was a lot of fun to make and i think its just as fun to read <3

so, here’s the tea. i’m making this because Sehun stole my pickle.

now, i’m not blaming him or nothing, but he DID steal my pickle. and that is a f a c t.

how do i know? WELL. i don’t. but it definitely was him. i’ve yet to talk to him about it, but this is only first time my daily pickle eating was ruined, so i’ll let it slide for now. but there definitely will be some precautions being made. my pickle will now be on the lowest shelf in the fridge. i know them shorty members wouldn’t steal my precious pickle. they’re too mature for that. okay, not Baekhyun, but i assume he won’t want it because his nose is too sensitive to want to go near what is, my pickle. but maybe the smell is what would drive to throw it away.... nah. i hope...

Kyungsoo just wouldn’t touch what isn’t his, so i’d just assume he wouldn’t throw out my precious, juicy pickle. he’d probably just be disgusted at seeing a platted pickle, exposed to the world out of his watery home. but that’s just about it

Minseok just wouldn’t care. he’d look through the fridge, see the pickle, and pretend it was totally normal. WHICH IT IS. then he’d resume with whatever it was he wanted from the fridge. easy peasy. no diddling with my pickle required.

Junmyeon would only move my pickle out of the way of whatever he would be getting. he might misplace it while putting it back but it’s not out of malice.

Jongdae looks through the fridge for a long ass time. I know this because one day he was doing his thing, leaning down into the fridge and taking his sweet ass time while i looked at his sweet ass. i just stood there and waited to get my juicy, green heaven. i don’t think he even grabbed anything out of the fridge. he just stood for ten minutes and walked away.

now for the tall-ies.

Yixing just doesn’t go in the fridge. period

Jongin would make eye contact with my pickle. he would think heavily of dickery. but none dickery would happen. he’d let my pickle live its best life in the fridge and walk away with a banana or something. i don’t know, what do Jongins eat? chicken?

now Chanyeol, well i’m Chanyeol. so i wouldn’t steal my precious pickle. well actually i would. i’d like to eat it. but then it wouldn’t be stealing anymore. haha. clever big brain.

so then that only leaves Sehun. he’s not big brain. he’s small brain. he knows how much i love my pickles so he would DIDDLE. he would most definitely eat my pickle because it’s just out in the open, just waiting for a watery mouth to cHOMP ON IT. I BET WHEN HE STOLE IT IT LOOKED LIKE THIS:

well anyway. now that it will be hidden on the lowest shelf, he will never see it. it’ll be out of his line of sight and you know what they say, out of sight out of mind. and if he does see it for whatever reason or even if the short members see it, it’ll have a sticky note stuck right on it that says, “DO NOT MOBILIZE.”

now get my pickle out of your MIND sEhun!

f’s in the chat guys for my pickle.

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

time to go buy more pickles. that was my last one. update you guys later


	2. Entry 2

i have bought my pickles.

one singular pickle has been placed on a plate and put into the fridge for later eating

hopefully sehun doesn’t find it

i’ll be back later


	3. Entry 3

today started out like a great day

i did my workouts and practiced for the comeback. you know, like how you do. it’s an all day activity

so after that i went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night craving that newly placed pickle in the fridge

i felt really lucky because it was still there, so i devoured it like a freakin’ BEAST who hasn’t eaten in like an hour. when it reality i ate at like 9 or sumthin. but that’s besides the point.

then i placed a new pickle on my pickle plate and shoved it back into the fridge, with the note of course

went back to bed, had a great snooze and woke up wanting another pickle. i usually hold back my pickle cravings and desires but this time i felt like i could give myself a little treat, you know?

so i got my happy ass out of bed and made my way down to the fridge and you know i find?

NOTHING. BECAUSE MY PICKLE WAS G O N E. there was a note left though.

_"have fun digging in the piss jar"_

and that’s why i have a reason i place a singular pickle on a plate. i don’t like to dip my hands into pickle juice and have it drip aLL OVER. it also reduces the pickle smell when you touch it and i don’t quite like having pickle-piss smell on my hands. now you may be asking yourself, “wHy nOt jUst uSe a fOrk?” well you know what i have to say to you? Ok BOOMER. thuh ænd.

as now it is 4 AM while i write this, i am beginning to think i need a new pickle spot. anyone have any suggestions?

how to: hide pickles from freakish ‘94 liners?

how to: hide green, cylindrical goodness from a happiness t h e i f?

also what should i do to catch sehun in the act? i need proof it’s him so i can put an end to his pickle thievery


	4. Entry 4

okay guys. i’m back. someone told me i should buy myself a freaking safe for my pickies so that’s just what i’ve done

i was very tempted to get a fairly hefty safe because my pickLes nEED ROOM. but then i had to be reasonable and get one that:

A. could fit a mini plate and

B. could fit in the fridge

so, that’s what i went with

i’ve been using it for a good 3 days now. so far so good. no one has cracked the pickle code yet. but everyone has come up to me and told me to stop being ridiculous. this safe takes up so much room and that i have a serious problem

hey guys, look. this wouldn’t be a problem if someone stopped hijacking my pickles. plus, you can use the safe as another shelf, c’mon.

i’m having another pick-pockle as i write this here update. it’s great and i’m placing a new one on the plate

be back soon guys 


	5. Entry 5

OKAY SO WE HAVE A DILEMA.

i made a great update yesterday. it was amazing. things were genuinely going well and WHAT SO I SEE?

BAEKHYUN HUNCHED OVER IN THE FRIDGE LOCK PICKING MY SAFE.

GUYS ITS JUST A PICKLE. MUST YOU ALL TEASE ME? JUST LET IT LIVE ON ITS PLATE IN PEACE UNTIL I COME TO KILL IT. okay yes with that being said, a safe was a bit extreme well. but i regret nothing. money well spent id say. now i own a safe

anyway. i freaked out, like you do when your pickle’s safety is in jeopardy, and shut the fridge in front of him. i asked him what was up then he got all secretive and was like “uh nothing fammie” and bruh, dont “uh nothing fammie” me. you were up to something i know it. you were trying to touch my pickle

so i asked him why

he told me he just wanted a pickle so i told him he can buy his own or at least ask first. ‘cause like, i’m not above sharing but i AM above thievery. but then something felt off. last i checked in this universe, baekhyun doesn’t like pickles because they stink and his nose is sensitive. so i ask him again why he would want to break into my safe.

baekhyun skedaddled away very quick and i couldn’t catch him in time. my long legs can’t do much if he’s already too far gone.

i took a look at my safe to see if he got in and i found another note inside saying:

_"haha. smol peepee."_

this is freaking slander.

so. someone definitely put baekhyun up to this and until i find out who, my next course of action is i’m gonna need a new hiding place

until next time >:U


	6. Entry 6

up next on my life’s a total dumpster fire:

i’ve literally hid my pickies in the trash

so. here’s what happened.

i asked Minseok how he evaded baekhyun’s weird bathroom escapade all those years ago and he told me that when he heard what baekhyun was up to, all he did was put a chair under the door. and to REALLY make sure he didn’t get through, he duct taped it shut.

so with that knowledge i assumed he couldn’t help me with my pickles. but i asked anyway

“Have you ever thought of just pouring out the pickle juice and just leaving them in the jar like a normal human being? maybe no one would want to fuck with you if you already weren’t being ridiculous.”

his words will forever scar me.

so i moved on. hurt, embarrassed, and more determined to hide my pickles from sehun the demon

i bought this tin garbage can and placed it outside in our backyard of this house that we all collectively live in. (becauseyesthat’stotallythelivingarrangementsofEXO)

and then i took my metal safe and put in a bunch of freezer packs around the plate then i set that in the garbage can then i put even more freezer packs into the garbage can with my jar of pickles to make sure my shits cold. then of course the lid to it all. i kind of figured that all the packs combined on top would keep the safe cool at the bottom which would then keep the packs inside the safe cold which wOuld tHen keep my piCkies cOld.

i am genuis. big brian

we will see how this all holds up

if this doesn’t work, i will have to take extreme measures


	7. Blog 1

Chanyeol is a freaking idiot.

He’s currently filling a trash can with ice packs and pickles. And right in front of my window. It’s funny that he wants to hide them from me, yet he executes his stupid plan right in from of me. Like, he’s not even stealthy. It’s loud as fuck. The trash can is dinging as he dumps the ice packs in, and the whole can clunked as he was bringing it through the backyard. But that’s fine. I would have found them sooner or later anyway.

And if I’m being totally honest, it’s kind of endearing.

All of it is.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Anyway, I’ll update this every now and then so you can get the full story of everything because I found his stupid “diary” entries and they’re kind of vague, I think. And accusatory. I mean, yeah, it’s me stealing the pickles. But he has no proof yet. So, I’ll be back I guess. I doubt he’ll see these. He’s too busy updating his own garbage.

What even is his Obsession with pickles anyway?


	8. Entry 7

it’s currently 10:11 as i write this and i’m pooped

but it’s been 4 successful days of trash pickles, and honestly... it’s very inconvenient. if i want to get up for a late night pickle snack i have to venture outward and that’s a ton of work. but hey, what matters most is that my pickies are SAFE FROM THAT GUY

i think he’s finally been out smarted. he has no idea about the new pickle location. let’s keep it that way


	9. Blog 2

I have definitely not been out smarted.


	10. Entry 8

OH SHOOT I ACTUALLY HAVE A LITTLE STORY

so, the other night i woke up at precisely 6:45 am, on accident of course, and decided i wanted pickles. as you do at exactly 6:45.

so, i go to the living room to sneak my pickle craving butt outside, but sehun is in there. he’s just playing with Vivi on the couch. i gotta play it all c o o l. ya know?

so like, i’m like, “hey what you doin’ up?”

and he just kinda shrugged. he still seemed tired, kinda dejected? but it was hard to tell because his resting face, especially while tired, is either extra RBF or like sad

so, i didn’t know what to do about that— i just wanted my pickles. i would’ve been slightly more empathetic, but was (still) upset over his sabotage. so i wasn’t quite ready to be there for him. over pickles. so i told myself it was over pickles and did finally ask what was up but he told me “nothing, literally nothing.” in a tone that told me he didn’t want to be bothered, especially by me, so i just left it at that.

WELL. SORRY SIR FOR CARING. I FORGAVE YOU FOR ONE MOMENT. I PUT THE PICKLES PAST US FOR ONE SECOND SO I COULD WORRY OVER YOU, BUT NOOOO.

jeez

so when i got to my trash can, i accidentally stumbled over my pajammie pants... then clunked into the whole thing. but it didn’t seem to alert anyone so we good there

fun story, huh?

ya i know. i’m the best at telling stories

until next time


	11. Blog 3

How would he start these?

hEy gUys.

That’s kind of ew.

Anyway, i’m here to clear up some stuff.

He told a dumb story earlier about wanting his stupid pickles and seeing me in the living room.

I was out there because Vivi woke me up with an upset stomach and I was worried for him. I gave him a spoonful of pumpkin and played with him a bit to make him feel better.

And Chanyeol’s right, I was tired and nothing, literally nothing was wrong at that point. But I did appreciate the thought. Him flipping out about how he put aside his own feelings to worry over me is the reason why I tease him incessantly. But honestly, he left out so many details. He went so quick I feel as if he didn’t capture the moment right.

It went more like this:

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Chanyeol walks into the room rubbing his eyes with a tired wobble and a excited smirk on his face. He squints once he enters the lit living room and his smirk fades once his eyes land on me sitting on the couch with Vivi.

He freezes and it’s very clear he’s trying to come up with an excuse as to why he’s up early. But the change of expression on his face reveals he realized he wasn’t the one who needed to explain first. He clears his throat, but when his voice exits, it’s still tired and scratchy and kind of like a sweet melody. “Hey, what are you doin’ up?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. His voice had hypnotized me or something. All I could do was shrug in that moment.

We both were silent for a moment. I’m unsure who was more awkward. I’m willing to bet it was me, knowing full on well that Chanyeol isn’t affect by me the same way I am to him.

His pink bottom lip that I hadn’t realized he was biting, escapes his mouth and parts as he speaks up once again, “Is something wrong? We don’t have to be up this early, you know.”

His question hit me weirdly. It felt as if it had weight. On normal days, under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have asked. He wouldn’t have instead, continued on onward to get his pickles. So the impact of this question made me feel elated in an instant. Nothing, literally nothing was wrong at this point. Vivi was feeling better and Chanyeol was expressing an emotion other than frustration and suspicion towards me. Well deserved emotions, but it was nice to receive new ones.

Even with all of this being said, my pride was too big to lighten up any more than the mood I was already showing Chanyeol, so I deadpanned, “Nothing, literally nothing.”

A small fire lit in Chanyeol’s eyes when I said that. His frustration, that I know like the back of my hand, returned. It felt comforting. It’s one of the few emotions I’ve gotten to know really well the over the past few years. If I didn’t purposefully bug him to death, well, what would I do?

“Well, okay. I’m going outside to get some fresh air.” Chanyeol stomps out the back door and my eyes don’t hesitate to follow him. I already knew he had woken up to eat pickles as a late night snack, he does that so often. And it’s basically every night. Before this trash can biz, he’d rummage around in the fridge to get out that dumb singular plate and the jar of pickles and eat as many as he felt like. Sometimes I’d hear the clacking of the plate and jar on the counter or the clank of him setting down the fork into the sink, or even him deciding NOW, at 3 A.M, was the best time to wash his plate and get a new one to set on it’s own in the fridge. And those were only times where I’ve been woken up by him. Other times are when I’ve gotten up to go to the bathroom. I always exit as he’s mid bite and it kills me every time. Mind you, he doesn’t cut his pickles or use a fork (the fork is only to grab them from the jar. why he doesn’t just stick his hand in to grab one even though he eats with it is beyond me.) or buy the already sliced pickles. No, he buys the whole damn dill pickle. And every time I walk in on that. I’ll let you imagine it real quick.

•

•

•

Okay, times up.

There’s two ways it kills me. One being the situations where he’s about to bite down but sees me and freezes. In those moments, he leaves his mouth wrapped around the whole damn thing until I decide I want to walk away. WHICH I HAVE TO. I’ve yet tried to stand there as long as possible, but I think it’d just be more awkward and uncomfortable for me than him, for reasons I feel as if I would rather not explain.

Situation two is when I walk out and I see him actually bite down. I hear the thick snap of the pickle breaking in his mouth followed by a l o n g slurp. Then I watch as his lips slide off the whole fucker followed by some loud ASMR chewing. Then when he finally sees me, he looks at me with those large, round, dark brown eyes and his shiny, wet pickle lips and— AH. It just fucks me up, man.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Anyway. So, I get up and watch him through the window blinds once he walks out of view. He goes right for the trash can, and like the clumsy idiot he is, he stumbles into it like a fool. Granted it is pretty dark, but in my opinion, the street lights offer enough light.

I’m quite surprised no one else woke up from that loud clank because he hit that can really hard. There was a distant groan that came from him too that sounded quite hilarious but also kind of cute. I watched him take the lid off the trash and rummage around until he resurfaces successfully with a thick pickle. He takes a bite of it and his lips linger there a bit too long before sliding down the end it to presumably catch the juice seeping out, then it’s closely followed by a couple of flat tongued licks. He places his hand on his hip and looks up at the dark, dawn sky before taking yet another bite. And in this moment, I decided I should stop watching while I’m ahead.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

So I guess reading his blogs are more useful than knowing what he’s doing with his pickles. It reveals how he sees me as well. I guess I have no right to complain about it either. After all, it is my own dumb fault.

Also, after writing this I can sort of see the appeal of making these things. I’ll write more later.

Sehun out!

Ew. That seems like something Chanyeol would say.


	12. Blog 4

I know I know. I’m making something without Chanyeol posting first.

But something happened the today and I wanted to throw out my perspective first.

So, i’ll just begin the story at last night leading into this morning.

Chanyeol was eating pickles for dinner, because of course he would be doing that.

.

.

.

“Chanyeol, you can’t just eat pickles for dinner!” Is what I said. I had walked into the kitchen for a glass of water and found him on his phone just eating a bunch of pickles straight from the jar. Of course with that wasted fork laying right next to the jar and that damn plate he used to put in the fridge with one singular pickle on it.

“Oh, yes I can. I’m doing it right now. See?” Chanyeol flashes a fake toothy grin, revealing a bunch of pickle mush squishing between his teeth. It was very gross but— Okay, it was still kind of cute though. I have a problem, okay?

“You guys ate without me, so this is the dinner I’ve made for myself.” He chomps another pickle. We ate without him because he went out and got back late. We figured he’d get his own food.

I continue to get my glass of water and open the cabinet. “Why didn’t you just eat while you were out?”

“I did.”

I turn in his direction. He’s smiling at a cat video on instagram. He double taps the post and continues scrolling. In all honesty, I expected his feed to be purely pickle related. So it’s nice knowing he doesn’t only think about pickles.

I turn to the fridge and get ice from the dispenser. It’s the loudest shit ever because I prefer my ice crushed rather than cubed. It also distracts my mind from thinking too much about how Chanyeol still looks very nice since he’s still wearing the clothes he wore out. I don’t think it worked though.

“But you’re still hungry? What did you eat? A slice of bread?”

“Ha-ha. Very funny. No. But it didn’t fill me.”

“So pickles?”

“So pickles.” He takes a huge bite of another pickle. It makes me wonder just how far back he took that pickle to get that much in his mouth. And among other things— But those are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.

“But if you’re still hungry then you should be filling up on something more nutritious. Even just a simple sandwich or something would be better than a jar of pickles.” I have my water now and stand in front of the table to face Chanyeol more directly.

He glances up from his phone and slowly finishes the pickle in his mouth. “Well— What do you care? I’m a grown man. I can eat whatever food I like.”

This irks me so severely I just want rip that jar away and beat him with it. I’ve never considered myself homicidal, but in this moment, I was definitely considering it. But I don’t, of course not. I instead pinch my brow in irritation and soothe my voice from sounding too awfully angry. “Chanyeol. Yes, you are a grown-ass man.” And very great looking one at that. “But your health matters because not only does it suck for you if you’re not feeling well, but also the rest of us. It surprises me that you’ve even forgotten that. Us as a team, rely on you just as much as the next member. It’s your duty as a member of EXO to take care of yourself for you and for the team. We don’t work hard everyday just so you can stuff yourself with pickles and get sick then get stuck on the toilet with the fucking shits, okay?” Okay, so curse words slipped out anyway, I’m not too ashamed to admit.

“How did you know about the shits...” Chanyeol asks with so much innocence all my anger almost melts away in an instant.

“Chanyeol, they’re mostly water— How could I not know? How often do you— Do you not eat any fiber??”

Chanyeol slumps back in the chair with a slight pout.

I sigh. It’s the cutest shit ever, but I have to keep my cool and not melt into a complete puddle. “Do you want me to make you a sandwich?” Even though you’re completely able— butIfeeltheneedtodosomethingniceforyouanyway

“Okay—“

“You’re getting peanut butter.”

“Only?”

“Only.”

So I go to bed after that. Or at least I try.

I don’t know why I’m so open on here about Chanyeol, perhaps it’s like my therapy. My way of not bottling it all up.

I say this because Chanyeol is the reason why I couldn’t fall asleep. Because as he was eating that sandwich, he kept getting peanut butter on his mouth and somehow on his cheek and it aggravated me how a grown man could be so much like a toddler. But also toddlers are cute and endearing— And well— Yeah. So I guess it works out.

So other than thoughts like that from my peanut gallery of a brain, I was also thinking about Chanyeol’s pickle addiction. It’s obviously not healthy. He’s always pickles this, pickles that. It’s concerning and annoying. All of us have to smell his pickle breath and deal with his weird pickle locations. Okay, and the fact that he’d go as far as refrigerating a trashcan outside for pickles is beyond insane. Like, how addicted do you have to be?

At this point in my frustration while laying awake I hear the trashcan’s metal ding as if someone was placing a lid back on top. Oh boy. I feel blinding rage right now. I could punch a floating space whale into oblivion. Chanyeol has no idea how often he wakes me up while digging in that fucker. Plus, he just completely ignored my advice from earlier about staying healthy. That pickle cooler has got to go.

I wait in bed until I know for sure Chanyeol is gone before making my way to that metal satan spawn. I didn’t have a real plan, but I figured once I got out there I’d figure it out.

“This thing is fucking stupid,” I hiss to myself. I felt like kicking it but I didn’t actually know how solid this thing was so I didn’t know if it’d make a loud noise.

I begin to grab it by the handles to lift it but it’s actually much heavier than I had thought it’d be. It was so heavy I was struggling to even get it off the ground.

I got even more pissed off and ripped off the lid to see what all the weight was. Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be THAT light because there’s a freaking safe in there and jars of pickles and ice packs and stuff. But the bulk of the weight should have been only the safe because ice packs aren’t going to add that much. But when I opened the trash can— It looked like he robbed a store of their pickle aisle. This trashcan was filled to the brim with pickle jars stacked on top of other pickle jars. There didn’t even seem to be a safe anymore, and if there was, it was buried. Also, where were all the ice packs? He’s just storing pickles in this thing.

I thought this was supposed to be an alternative fridge, not a pantry. That’s what he said it was.

I slapped the lid back on it, completely forgetting the necessity to be quiet. Chanyeol’s room is very close to mine so if I can hear the trash from my room, I’m sure he can too. But hopefully he’s asleep and didn’t hear anything.

I began dragging the can across the lawn, I felt it would be the easiest option for me. I figured maybe I could drag it into my car and just ditch it somewhere. Maybe throw it away. I don’t know. I just can’t have it here anymore.

The moment I arrived at the driveway was when he showed up.

“Hey! Sehun, what the hell are you doing?!”

This is the first time I’ve ever actually been caught in the act of doing anything with his pickles. It’s an odd feeling.

“Nothing! I’m just helping you out.” The trashcan lets out a deafening squeal followed by loud scratching as I drag it across the cement.

Chanyeol is over to me in no time. His hands nudge mine out of the way so they can get a grip on the handles instead and he pulls the whole thing toward him with less effort than it would have taken me to do the same.

“What are you doing?” He says hurt but also adamant about not letting me get away with whatever I’m trying to do.

“I’m getting rid of this.”

“No, you’re not.” Chanyeol fully takes the trashcan and lifts it toward him. His muscles bulk out and show through his t-shirt as he holds it. It takes me aback because I could barely lift it above my ankles but he’s lifting it mid-shin and keeping it there.

“Chanyeol, you have a problem!” I try to tug it back toward me but it’s come to my attention I’m not the one in control anymore. I try to get it out of his grip but his becomes tighter. “You need to get rid of all of these!”

“It’s not yours to get rid of!” Chanyeol pulls twice as hard which yanks my arms forward a bit. I retaliate and pull with everything I have back. Chanyeol frowns and pulls with just as much strength. “I’m fine! I don’t need to get rid of these!”

“You’re going to wake everyone up!” I step back to get more pulling leverage.

“Well maybe they can help me get you away from my stuff then!”

“They wouldn’t because everyone thinks you have a problem too!”

Chanyeol’s expression softens and his grip loosens.

“Chanyeol, be careful— My foot—“

He lets go and since I was using so much force and my weight was on back foot to pull the trashcan, the moment he let go, all the tension made me lose balance. So I fell back onto my butt and the trashcan crashed against the concrete, luckily it didn’t crush me. But it did get slightly thrown. The lid fell off mid air and thunked onto the driveway. The can itself fell with so much force that it broke some jars within and shattered the ones at the top. Others fell out and rolled to the foot of the drive way then idled in the divot made to drain water.

I look up at Chanyeol. His face is a mixture of anger, sadness, and just plain hurt. Rightfully so, I suppose. I may have gone too far this time.

“You’re cleaning this up,” is the only thing he says before rubbing his face and shutting the house door behind him.

I watch as the pickle juice flows down the driveway, creating its own little puddle at the bottom for the other jars to enjoy.

.

.

.

So that happened. I don’t know what to do about that. He’s currently in the kitchen on his phone ignoring me. I’m currently on my phone in the living room ignoring him, even though it’s all technically my fault and I shouldn’t be ignoring anybody. Well, I guess I’m not “ignoring” him. He just slid his hand through his hair and I watched each strand slowly fall back into place. So, there’s that, I guess.

Oh yeah, I drew a stupid picture to show the events of last night. It’s unlike me, but I wanted to illustrate it. I drew it on white paper so it doesn’t look like nighttime, but that’s okay.

So, this is where we are now. Kind of sucks.


	13. Entry 9

i kidnapped Vivi

i know it’s wrong, but Sehun literally tried to kidnap my pickles then ended up murdering them. no i’m not gonna murder Vivi. i love him too much for that. but i am going to withhold him. the purpose? i don’t know. but Sehun won’t like it, so i’m doing it

currently i’m sitting in my room in the dark. i made a pillow fort that’s connected to my desk from my bed because i don’t want Vivi on my bed but i still want to feel like i’m hidden from the world.

by the way. Toben is here too, but the fact i have Vivi right now and Sehun doesn’t know is what’s giving me my comfort. maybe i should feed Vivi some pickles. i could go to the store and purchase a new jar and just give it all to him. maybe he’s actually too boujee for pickles?

oh well, who cares? more for me then

i’ll just keep his dog until who knows when


	14. Blog 5

I can’t find Vivi. I’ve been looking all day for him. Someone must have left the door open or something and now he’s probably wandering the streets. I’ve been checking my phone every so often to make sure someone who has perhaps found him hasn’t called me and i’ve missed it. I haven’t had time to eat today i’ve been so worried, but the adrenaline of not knowing where Vivi went is preventing me from feeling hungry. It’s been about 21 hours that Vivi has been missing and i’m beginning to wonder if i’ll see him again. You know what they say, the first 24 hours are the most crucial, and mine are almost up.


	15. Blog 6

I am so angry right now. But I’m also not. And I hate that a side of me isn’t because I should be. And I have every right to be.

This man is just hard to be angry at but easy to be frustrated toward. Those feelings in themselves are frustrating because does that even make any sense?

Ugh. My head is spinning with so many different emotions: Anger, disappointment, confusion, frustration, attraction, warmth, love.

My mind has no idea which one to land on. What to choose. What one do I feel most strongly? Which emotion should win? They’re all so different yet all so true in their own right. It feels like no one is supposed to feel all of this at once, yet they do and it makes absolutely no sense. Why are feelings so confusing? It’s so overwhelming and I have no idea what I should be feeling.

I’m sorry for being so vague about everything. I’m just trying to organize my thoughts about all of this. Sometimes it helps to just rant and type away to organize it all. I’m hoping that seeing it all laid out in front of me will help me gage my thoughts and emotions.

What I’m going on about is I found Vivi and the interaction I had with Chanyeol about it was— Well, confusing. I entered his room completely fuming and left feeling... Well, more into him than I was before somehow. And that’s not what you’d think the take away would be from someone who just stole your dog. And that’s where the inner conflict within me lies. No, he didn’t do anything too extreme, and in a way it’s my fault for not checking in with everyone to see if they had seen Vivi. And by everyone I just mean I didn’t ask Chanyeol. It felt weird having to interact with him so soon after spilling all of his pickles in the driveway, and to be honest, if no one else had seen Vivi it’s easy to just assume the one who hadn’t exited his room all freaking day hadn’t either. I just figured he was too upset about the night prior to want to leave, and little did I know, he was holding my son hostage in his room. It makes me so fucking mad thinking about it but then I remember everything else and I just can’t stay mad.

I should explain. I’ll start from the beginning.

_— Bark! —_

_“Vivi! Shh!”_

I turn my head to Chanyeol’s door in shocked disbelief. Did I just hear my dog from behind that door? I spent a whole day looking for him, exhausted, hungry, tired, and he’s just in there? With Chanyeol? Absolutely fuming, I slam open his door so hard it probably made a hole in the wall.

My eyes are immediately pulled to a stupid pillow fort taking up 90% of the room but I don’t have time to think about it any further as Chanyeol’s head pops out sideways in a gap between a pillow and his bed. Assumably the “door.”

His eyes are wide. Alarmed, confused, frozen on me. He scurries from out of the fortress and stands before me in an awkward manner. He looks as if he wants to say something but isn’t sure out to start. I didn’t care though, I didn’t have the patience to wait for him.

“I want my fucking dog back!” I want to punch him so bad, but I restrain myself.

“I don’t know what you’re—“

“Don’t play fucking coy. I heard his bark through the door!” I shove him back a little. So I failed to restrain myself. At least it’s better than a punch. “You had him all day, didn’t you? You knew I had been worried 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬! What the 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 is wrong with you? Who just does this?!” I shove him back harder, he stumbles a bit and I see a wave of irritation appear on his face but vanish as quickly as it arrived.

“I-I’m sorry,” he begins. I feel like I shouldn’t let him speak but I do anyway. “I know what I did was wrong—“

“No fucking shit.”

“—but I didn’t intend for it get this out of hand. I just wanted to worry you a little. I wanted to get back at you for breaking all my pickle jars.” As Chanyeol speaks, both Vivi and Toben force him to step to the side to let themselves out of the fort. They scurry into the kitchen and begin drinking from the water bowl.

I feel relief seeing Vivi okay and more anger at Chanyeol for keeping both these dogs cooped up in his room all day. “That’s literally the worst excuse I have ever heard! You can’t steal a dog because you’re upset! I have been searching endlessly all day for that dog. I haven’t eaten at all today and I am absolutely exhausted and devastated to see you had him the whole time. Worrying me for nothing. And over pickles? Fucking 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘴? I’m sorry Chanyeol, but you don’t get to just 𝘥𝘰 this, okay? You can’t just do this and just say it’s because you’re upset!

“But you can take 𝘮𝘺 health into 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 hands? You can decide to throw away 𝘮𝘺 belongings because you disagree with me and what with what 𝘐’𝘮 doing because 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 upset? You can’t just decide to throw out my things because it bothers you!”

“That’s— That’s not even the same thing! It was to help you and our team! It was for your benefit! You have a fucking problem and I knew you’d never get rid of them on your own!”

Chanyeol frowns, “For my benefit? I’m perfectly healthy! There’s nothing wrong here, I don’t have a problem!”

“Yes, you do! Admit it, you’re addicted to eating pickles!”

“No, I‘m not!” Chanyeol shoves me back.

So I come back stronger. “Yes, you are!”

“No!” He shoves me so hard I almost lose balance. I shout and shove him back with all my strength. He stumbles and grabs my still outstretched arm to catch myself, but in my unpreparedness I came with.

We fall back onto the fort. Apparently there’s only two pillows in the whole thing and they’re the door because even though I landed on Chanyeol, it was still really rough and it knocked the wind right out of him.

I hear his labored breaths and I prepare myself to get up and— It felt like it was straight out of a teen romance movie or something. You know like the stereotypical, guy falls on girl or girl falls on guy etc... and it’s supposed to be this magical, romantic experience and it’s totally not awkward and not weird at all. Yeah, it was that, and I never found any of that realistic at all. Because like, look at it. But, it happened. And I’m in shock over it still.

I began to get up and just one look into Chanyeol’s eyes stopped me. I never would have figured myself the type to stare longingly into someone’s eyes, but I did just that without thinking. I don’t know— his eyes are just so beautiful and so is he. He didn’t say anything or do anything, he just stared back. And it wasn’t even until I was actually getting up that I realized he was holding me too. When we fell his grip must’ve shifted or something from my arm and I didn’t even feel his hands on my waist until then.

I didn’t know what to say when I got up. I just ended up looking back to him slowly propping himself up on floor with a slight grimace. He must have landed on something hard he had placed in the fort. He looks at me once he sits upright but I can’t tell how he must be feeling. I exit the room and open my bedroom door and call for Vivi to enter with me.

So, now I’m laying in my room holding my dog close to me. There’s probably no right answer to how I should feel about everything, I just wish it didn’t feel so awful. Even as an adult, emotions suck. But I really want one.

Should I be over it all or should I hold this as a grudge? Something within me feels like it doesn’t want to be passed this ever but another tells me it already is. I want to know how Chanyeol feels about all of this, well, mostly the last part but— yeah all of this. Is he as conflicted as me? or at least like confused?


	16. Entry 10

i feel like i should apologize to sehun. i upset him more than i had intended to (even though he started all of this) but i think dognapping trumps pickle shattering. i genuinely am sorry though. it really wasn’t my intention to upset him that badly, but that’s not really an excuse

i’ve texted him already so we can talk

btw— what do you do when you experience an indescribable moment? asking for a friend

he said there was this tension that he can’t describe but he didn’t— uh never mind. maybe i shouldn’t post this pa


	17. Blog 7

YOU CANT JUST TEXT ME “We should talk.” RIGHT AFTER I FALL ON YOU AND EXPERIENCE A MOMENT. IT MAKES ME THINK STUPID THINGS YOU FOOL.


	18. Blog 8

So after receiving that text I feel antsy. What exactly does he have to say about an hour later?

I hug Vivi before getting up. It couldn’t be about...? It sucks that that’s what my mind instantly goes to, but I can’t help it. I have to know what it’s about now.

I bang on his door, “Don’t send me ominous texts and just knock on my door, you weirdo. Meet me in the kitchen.” I feel a bit shaky and realize I need to actually eat something so as I wait, I make me a sandwich.

It isn’t long before Chanyeol slinks out of his room, but i’ve already devoured my food.

He stands in the entry awkwardly. It looks like the reason why he texted so much later was because he fell asleep. His hair is messy in the back and his face looks sleepy. It’s really cute, but I try to ignore it. He stands there almost as if he’s expecting me to speak first as if I’m the one who called this conversation. Okay, I guess in a way I did, but you know what I mean. He does speak first though, and I guess one way to start a conversation.

“Look, I know you think of me as just some idiot,”

That’s not true. But go off.

“but I do have the ability to take things seriously.”

“That’s good.” Sounds more sarcastic than I intend it to, but I leave it alone.

“I just mean— I’m sorry for taking Vivi. I honestly didn’t mean for it to worry you this much, but that’s no excuse for what I did.”

I definitely wasn’t expecting an apology so soon. I think at this point I just have to accept the fact I’m not angry anymore. I should apologize as well. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have tried to throw away your things without talking to you first. It’s just very frustrating for me to see you not eating real food and hearing you at that stupid trash can every night.”

“I really don’t have a problem—“

I sigh. “Chanyeol,” I rub my face in frustration. “Think about it. Please. Just for one minute.”

“I am. I—“

“No,” I say with so much exasperation. “I really don’t want to get into this right now. Thanks for the apology.” I begin to leave the room but he stops me at the entry way with him.

“Is that it...?”

There’s only a foot of space between us and he’s giving me this face. It’s stern but concerned and confused. He seems oddly desperate to keep this conversation going, but I’m honestly at a loss for what I should say. He doesn’t seem like he will accept the fact he has an issue.

“I don’t know. Is it?

“Can you explain to me why you think I have a problem? Please?”

I pull my arm out of his grip and fold them. I lean against wall to create space between us but it doesn’t do much. Chanyeol also doesn’t seem to fully get that I wanted some space and takes a step forward. It’s taking everything within me to not— He’s right there after all. But even just one kiss could ruin everything we have now. We’re friends and I don’t want to jeopardize that because I was stupid and thinking with the wrong head. “Um, well,” I use me thinking as an opportunity to break eye contact. “I honestly don’t see how you can’t see this. You spend hundreds of won on jars of pickles, eat them for meals and as snacks throughout the day, and flip out anytime anyone

wants to have some too. And that’s downplaying it. Chanyeol, you put a whole safe in _our fridge._ ” I look back.

“I just really like pickles and I don’t appreciate people not asking first.” He raises he eyebrows slightly at me to make a point.

“Whatever.” I’m sure Chanyeol feels like he won that one, but really, I knew there was no way I’d be able to explain it to him with words. So I come up with a great idea. “Let’s make a bet.”

He raises his eyebrow curiously.

“Since you say you don’t have an addiction, I want you to prove it. I bet you can’t go a month without eating pickles.”

“A whole month? No way! I’m not doing that.”

“Doesn’t that just prove my point then?” I smirk.

“You— So that’s how you’re gonna play this?”

I shrug. “If you win I’ll do whatever you want. If I win you do whatever I want.” I extend my hand for him to shake.

“Oh yeah? Fine.” He accepts the shake. “This bet is so stupid. Be prepared to do something you hate.”

“We’ll see. If you eat them on accident that counts, so make sure you don’t get anything with pickles in it and no pickle juice. Oh, nothing pickle flavored either. Treat pickles like a severe peanut allergy.”

“Got it.”

“Bet starts now. Hope you can handle it.” I slide off the wall and begin to make my way down the hall to my room. I just need to get away from Chanyeol before mistakes are made.

“Wait! I have one more question before you go.”

With my hand on the door knob, I turn to look at him.

“When we fell... Why did you stay there and stare at me like that?”

I feel my hands get clammy and my heartbeat get faster. My legs feel like they’re one step away from becoming jelly. “Like... What?”

“Like— I don’t know. I don’t know what any of what happened meant.”

“I was... Caught off guard.” I swallow nervously. “Why didn't you say anything about it?”

“I was... Also caught off guard.”

I nod in understanding. I push my door open then close it behind me and lean against it.

He’s going to be the death of me.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ


	19. Blog 9

It’s about 8 A.M and the first day of Chanyeol being banned from pickle eating. I’m psyched. I’m most definitely going to try to make this month hell for him for my own amusement. Nothings planned though. Whatever comes to mind is what I’ll do.

I head into the kitchen for some breakfast. Chanyeol’s already in there. He has yet to change into day clothes like me, so he’s wearing a plain white t-shirt and some gray sweats. His shirt is riding up a little in the back so the smallest sliver of his underwear waist band is showing through the top of his pants. But I ignore that. He seems to be deep in thought while staring into the fridge.

“You’ll let all the cold air out.” I walk in and peer into the fridge as well.

“I dunno what to eat. It’s hard to decide when you only eat one thing all the time but then you suddenly develop an “allergy” to it, ya know?” He says with the straightest, most genuine face. It warms me to know he’s actually trying on this bet instead of cheating when possible.

“Can’t relate. Usually it’s I like a few things but none are interesting enough,” I pick up a bottle of jelly to look at. It expired June 2019. I put it back onto the shelf and ignore it like everyone else.

“There’s no real winning situation then, is there?”

“Not really.” I pick up a plastic jar of mayonnaise that’s also expired. Why’s everything expired? Also, I have no idea why I’m only looking at condiments rather than real food. “That’s currently happening to me right now.” I peer around a little more and spot a jar of pickles. Chanyeol must have went out to buy more at some point. Perhaps he did leave his room yesterday? Whatever, his pickles are now my pickles. I reach into the back of the fridge, the thought of Chanyeol staring at my butt crosses my mind so I get a bit self conscious. My butt isn’t at its peak right now, I’m in sweats. I pull out the jar and take it to a free space in the counter.

“Hey—“

I smirk and play innocent, “What? You’re allergic now, right? You won’t be needing these. Someone has to eat them right?” I sit comfortably on the counter with my feet dangling above the floor and open the jar in the small amount of counter space in front of me. “Don’t want them to go bad now, right?” I take one one out of the jar and wait for the juices to stop dripping. Chanyeol looks as if he’s trying to seem unbothered, but the way he closes the fridge door and the way he’s staring at the pickle in my hand tells me otherwise. I move it and his eyes follow. Up, down, left, right. He’s like a dog begging for food. It’s really cute and makes this more fun.

“Don’t do it.”

I smile and take a bite. I’ve never been a huge fan of pickles and this bite changes nothing. My face puckers a bit and I let out a cough. The sourness caught me off guard and went down my throat wrong.

“You can’t do this, Sehun. This is cheating!” Chanyeol whines and pouts.

“Sure I can. We didn’t establish this as a rule. You should have said something when we made the bet.”

“Well, I didn’t think about it then—“

“Sounds like a personal problem.” I take another bite and my face cringes again. Pickles aren’t even that sour, yet they get me anyway.

Chanyeol makes another pout and gives me “puppy-dog” eyes. “Pwease? Can I have some without losing?” He bats his eye lashes. Fake cuteness like this doesn’t usually work for me. If you try to be cute it usually just ruins the affect, you know? Besides, Chanyeol doesn’t even need to do this to get things from me.

“Nope. If you want to lose, then you can.” I stretch my arm out so he can take a bite of the pickle I was eating. It kind of gives me couple vibes so I feel a little embarrassed doing that. I doubt he noticed.

Chanyeol frowns sadly, “You’re right. I shouldn’t,” he sighs. “But I won’t take this abuse. I have to go. I can’t watch this anymore.” Chanyeol longingly caresses the pickle jar in between my legs and turns away to go back to his room. Before he fully leaves, I set aside the jar and slide off the counter after him. I feel like I haven’t messed with him enough so I have to use this opportunity before he leaves.

“Chanyeol,” I call out. He turns around curiously. I place my dry hand on his shoulder so he can’t step back and rub the pickle over his mouth. “Ooh. What a great lip gloss.”

“Sehun— What the—“ He looks at me with anger and shock with a tinge of hope.

“Be careful. If you lick that you could die.”

Chanyeol throws his head back and groans. I can’t help but to laugh a little. Yeah, I know, I can be a little shit. But it’s fun.

“This is so stupid,” Chanyeol mumbles. He steps forward and grabs the bottom front of my shirt and begins to lean forward. I freak out internally and try to step back but he places a hand on my lower back, preventing me from leaving. He leans down about half way and uses my shirt as a napkin. He straightens back out and his hand slips away as he lets go of my shirt. “I don’t plan on losing that easily, Sehun. So rub as much juice on my face as you want. I’m not giving in.” He begins to walk away to his room once again. He doesn’t even look back before shutting his door.

My heart is going absolutely ballistic. I think I just ended up pranking myself with that one. First I thought he was gonna like— Kiss me— and then I got scared but my hopes were there for some reason. And now all I’m left with is a wet green stain on my shirt, the lingering feeling of his hand on me, and a want for that kiss to actually happen.


	20. Entry 11

i never noticed this before, but on the rare occasion when sehun sits on something where he doesn’t touch the ground, he swings his legs the slightest bit. i just thought i’d share this to the sehun fans out there

also, sehuns a turd. he ate pickles in front of me and rubbed the juice on my face after we made a bet that i couldn’t eat pickles. it’s to prove i don’t have an addiction or WHATEVER. i really don’t. and i’m going to prove it. i don’t know what i’ll make him do when i do prove it, but i’m brainstorming. maybe i’ll make him eat a bunch of hot peppers or like make him buy me the entire pickle section in a store. ha, that’d be ironic. but yeah, he’s just trying to tease me now because he thinks it’s funny, but it’s super unfair. can we all agree that it’s unfair? i think it’s an unspoken rule to not tempt someone into doing the thing they aren’t supposed to do just out of kindness. but sehun always tries to find a way to mess with me. i have no idea what to do to get back at him though, any suggestions? because two can play at this pranking game, but player two needs some instructions and a control manual first


	21. Blog 10

I DO NOT DANGLE MY FEET LIKE THAT. HE IS ABSOLUTELY LYING


	22. Entry 12

accidebitally deleted my accoubt so i made a new one lol

i wavnted to shate that i met up with my bud kyubsoo tonight. we’re havkng a fun night oout.

thibgs got a bit lit

baekhyuns here now too abtully abd he made a cool drinking gsme. nothings funny but i can’t stop laugjing

font drink guys. its bad fot yiu even tho it’s fub


	23. Blog 11

I absolutely do not swing my legs when I’m up high. I don’t know where Chanyeol got that from, but it’s simply not true. It’s not exactly a _bad_ thing that some people do that. Hearing that just makes me feel like a child.

I’m currently in the kitchen. I need to make up for the breakfast I missed earlier. I still don’t know what to eat though. I guess in the meantime I’ll just eat some chips and think about it.

I open the cabinet and grab s half full bag of Doritos. Original flavor of course. I turn to the small table in the kitchen but the counter catches my attention. “Swing my legs, my ass...” I mumble. I sit down right where I did earlier. I’m not swinging my legs, but maybe that’s because I’m thinking too much about it. I try to move my mind elsewhere, like what I should actually eat besides chips.

Some time passes and half a bag of doritos is now crumbs in a bag. I crumple it up and set it next to me on the surface. I still have no real dinner plans.

Chanyeol comes walking by the kitchen and enters when he sees me. He looks more dressed up than usual but it’s still fairly casual. Black converse, blue skinny jeans, a black and white checkered shirt, and a black leather jacket. He even styled some of his hair back a little. There’s a section that comes forward on his right side that creates an assemblance to his usual down hairstyle, same with the left side. His bangs are trying to come forward a bit and cross into his eyebrow space. He looks way too good.

“What are you doing?” He leans his shoulder against the wall and begins checking his phone.

He hasn’t done anything, but his presence makes me smile stupidly. I try to hide it from him though. “Nothing really. Just trying to decide what to eat. What are you all dressed up for?”

He glances at me then finishes a text message before closing his phone and putting it in his back pocket. “I was going to meet Kyungsoo at the bar. He has a break from duty. Want to join?”

I consider it, but going to the bar isn’t really my thing. I prefer to drink at home. I can get a bit weird while drunk so I’d rather contain it within my room. Weird as in: Crying about Chanyeol, being mad at Chanyeol (for not liking me back/oblivious to me), too in love with Chanyeol to even know what’s happening around me, and uh— about Chanyeol. And so me plus a public place and Chanyeol probably isn’t the greatest idea, because I have no idea which Chanyeol emotion I’ll get. “I think I’ll skip tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll catch you later then,” Chanyeol smiles as he pushes himself off the wall. He gets to the front door and speaks up again, “By the way, there’s a frozen pizza in the freezer. Maybe make that?” He exists and closes the door behind him.

After the door shuts, the heel of my foot accidentally bangs into the cabinet. Fuck. I really do swing my legs. Why don’t I notice this movement? Whatever. I’ll take up Chanyeol’s suggestion and make a pizza.

It’s not until about 1 A.M that I hear the front door slam open with some slight stumbling and mixed laughter filling the living room. It’s not that I stayed awake waiting for Chanyeol or anything— But I did want to make sure he got home safely or someone was awake just in case something happened.

I exit my bedroom to find Chanyeol dying of laughter on the floor and Baekhyun stabilizing himself on the wall as he also dies of laughter. I hadn’t realized Baekhyun was going too.

“Are you guys okay?” I ask in a way that makes me feel like I’m a curious mom staring at her two weird children.

For some reason, the question sparks more giggles from them and I’m left standing there completely confused.

Baekhyun laughs himself to the ground next to Chanyeol, resting his forehead on his chest, seemingly unable to get back up. He tries to push himself off the ground but his constant flow of laughter seem to be making his legs weak.

Perhaps the joke here is that there really is no joke and that’s what’s so funny. Wait, doesn’t that make me the joke? They must be really fucked right now. I walk into the kitchen and grab two glasses of water for them both and walk back over. Maybe I really am a mom because I’m going to have to put them both to bed too.

“Drink.” I offer out the cups. My voice gains their attention and they both sit up and take the vessels. Baekhyun begins to take a drink first and it’s successful. Chanyeol on the other hand, not as much. Most of his drink spills out of his cup before entering his mouth, which kills them both once again. Baekhyun accidentally drops the whole cup onto himself, and when I thought he couldn’t laugh any harder, he does. He doubles over and begins slapping Chanyeol’s leg instead of his own.

I’m just here surprised at how much two people can laugh without speaking a single word. I take their cups and set them on the coffee table. Ireach out my hand toward Baekhyun first since he’s going to be the hardest to get to bed since his room is upstairs. “Come on, it’s bedtime.” Without question, he accepts my hand. He leans into me with most of his weight and I can feel the water on his clothes seeping through mine. I half carry him up the staircase at the end of the hallway, just to the right of Chanyeol’s room. With every little bit of progress made, Baekhyun’s drunken hand unabashedly scours a different place on my body for whatever reason as he giggles the slightest bit.

We make it into his room and I sit him down on his bed, to which he immediately lays down and rolls over to sleep. I pull off his shoes and set them down at the foot of the bed before pulling his covers over him. He isn’t wearing anything that’d be particularly uncomfortable to wear to bed, so overall, it’s an easy task. “Goodnight,” I say before I exit quietly.

Halfway down the stairs, I watch Chanyeol stumble into his room. I enter and find him lying face down on his bed. He’s not even fully on it, his legs are dangling off the end and he’s still wearing his jacket and shoes. I try to get him up and rest my hand on his back to get his attention. “Chanyeol, you need to take off your shoes and jacket.”

He slowly and tiredly stands back up. I guess that drunken high has left his body and all that’s left is a need for sleep. He stands there drowsily and it seems like he’s already forgotten what he was supposed to be doing. I step forward with a slight sigh at the fact that I have to do this for him. I begin to peel off the jacket starting at the shoulders and pull it down. I won’t lie, I use the opportunity to feel his body. It’s not very often where a casual cover up to hide something like this is made, so I feel like I have to use this wisely. I’ve always wanted to feel the muscle in his arms too since he works them out so often, but I never had a good opportunity to do so, until now. And I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not going as fast as I could be with this whole jacket thing, but Chanyeol is watching me as I do it. There’s no clear emotion or thought in his expression though. But even so, I don’t appreciate the look he’s giving. I haven’t really stared at Chanyeol while he was drunk and tired before, but the two looks combined apparently make a particularly provocative look. This stare mixed with me running my hands down his arms make me unsure if I should feel guilty for feeling an inebriated man, or if it just reaffirms my actions. But the latter just couldn’t be possible. If anything, it confirms I’m delusional for even considering it. I doubt he even knows what’s going on.

The jacket comes off and I fold it in half. I feel weight in one of the pockets and pull out his phone alone with a neatly folded napkin with a phone number written on it. I walk the objects over to the nightstand and set them down. I stare at the phone number a little longer and study it. It looks like a woman's hand writing and there seems to be a little bit of lipstick staining one of the corners. It only makes sense a good-looking man like him would get a woman’s attention. He’s young and beautiful In every way. Anyone would be blind not to see that. And he’s a grown man, bars can be great for hookups— I stop myself and dismiss anymore thoughts about this subject.

I turn back to Chanyeol, who’s sat himself down on the bed. He rubs his face and yawns a little. I place his jacket on the end of the bed, unsure of where I should put it and kneel down in front of him to take off his shoes. I glance up as the first knot comes untied. His seductive, half-lidded gaze continues. What kills me most is the fact he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. His eyes are like pools of darkness sucking me in. With every slow blink, I feel myself giving in just that much more to the void of his eyes but look away and resist the temptation because I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I made advances at him in this state. And it’d hurt me that much more under these circumstances knowing it wouldn’t be genuine from him if he were to accept the situation for whatever reason.

After the first shoe comes off, Chanyeol decides to lie down on his back, leaving his left leg hanging off the bed since I’m not finished yet. Somehow, this position makes everything much worse. He feels more open and vulnerable like this, more enticing. It’s almost like he knows what he’s doing to me. His shirt is riding up his torso and he doesn’t seem to care. I tell myself to pull it down myself, but I have no clue what will happen if I move closer to him.

I untie shoe two.

“Your face is red,” he states suddenly, breaking the silence. His voice is low and calm. His stare is unwavering.

“Yeah? Yours too,” I say with a slight hint of annoyance. Why’d he have to point it out? I glance over and study his face a little to actually make sure. His face 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 be red due to drinking so much, but it barely shows on his skin. He must be wearing light makeup I didn’t notice before.

He lets out a short chuckle that makes me feel like he still doesn’t fully know what’s going on. He closes his eyes as if he’s ready to sleep, leaving himself even more open.

I finally get off shoe two and stand up away from him. I look at Chanyeol sprawled out. After feeling the weight of his shoe gone, he repositions and and lifts his leg into the bed, folding the other under it. He raises his hand over his head and lets out a small moan through an exhale in the process.

I don’t wait any longer to decide I have to get the fuck out of here. I make it out into the hall and lean into the room for the door to make sure I lock away this sin. As I’m closing it. he quietly says goodnight to me and I glance over to see those dark, mesmerizing orbs, tiredly staring back at me once again. I hesitate for a moment, before I pull myself away. I don’t want to be sucked back in.

I try to calm myself down in the hallway and decide to head to bed as well.

I feel like I’ve been laying here for an hour. All I can think about is Chanyeol looking at me with those eyes and how badly I want him but how I can’t. Because if I act on how I feel, I would ruin everything. Our whole friendship: gone. He doesn’t like men either so it’s stupid of me to even feel this way about him in the first place. Ugh, I’m so dumb. But why’s he so stupidly amazing? How can it be that one person can make me feel so exhilarated yet so confused and upset at the same time? He has so much power over me and he doesn’t even know it. And the worst part waving everything, is that he doesn’t need me in the same way I need him. My day feels incomplete if I don’t see him at least once because it gives me this boost that I just can’t get from anything else. His presence is the literal sun to me, he just brightens up my day. The positive feelings he gives me are just euphoric. He can stand in a room and be doing absolutely nothing and I’d be the happiest man alive in that moment. One small touch or graze from him and I’m through the roof. Just one breath, and my heart pounds in my chest. And it goes both ways. Watching him be touchy with the other members makes me jealous and it feels as if my stomach is on fire. Seeing him check out girls is like someone put a ten pound weight on my heart that’s pulling down to my stomach.

Just then I remember the phone number and my heart sinks along with that weight. I attempt to make myself okay with it by setting feelings aside. Chanyeol isn’t doing anything wrong, we’re not dating, he’s allowed to meet people. I lay there. For a moment it feels like it worked. I felt okay. For a moment I felt like I didn’t feel anything. For a moment I almost believed it.

It’s not okay to me.

I can’t accept it.

It just won’t work.

Accepting it is like trying to fix two puzzle pieces that don’t belong together. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t work.

I wipe the wetness from my eyes and turn onto my side. If I could get rid of these feelings, I would in a heartbeat. It hurts so much knowing he doesn’t feel the same way about me when I feel so strongly about him and remembering that phone number in his pocket is like putting salt in a wound. I know it’s great he’s out there meeting people. I am happy for him, I really am. I know it. But something deep within me overpowers that happy feeling and replaces it with something else. Frustration, toward myself and him. Uneasiness toward every girl he meets and how one day he’ll look at them like how I thought he was looking at me and they’ll fall into that void like I did. There’s just something within me that wants to have him all to myself, stay sucked in his void where there’s nothing for me, but I know how unreasonable and selfish that is. I’m also aware of how ridiculous I am with all of this and how it’s only me who’s hurting me and how I shouldn’t be angry at anyone but myself. I feel like the world is cursing me with these feelings.

I know I should move on. I know I need to move on. But I don't think I can ever truly escape the void that is Park Chanyeol.


	24. Blog 12

It’s early morning once again. I sit up and rub the sleep from my face. It’s a little puffy from crying last night but hopefully it’s not too obvious. I get up to scour the kitchen to find Baekhyun already awake.

“Sehun! Good morning. How’d you sleep?” He asks too cheery in the morning.

“How long have you been awake for?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe… thirty minutes?”

I nod in understanding. “What are you making?” I sit at the table and lay my head in my arms. It’s only nine in the morning but it still feels too early.

“Just some eggs and sausage. Maybe hashbrowns, I’m not sure yet.”

“Ooh, all American, huh?” I say sounding totally unenthused, but I swear it’s just because it’s too early.

“You bet. Want any?”

“Mmm,” I hum and think for a minute. “Maybe in a moment. I’ll be back.” I feel like checking up on Chanyeol first. I just feel like bothering him, hangover or not. I make sure to grab that jar of pickles.

I knock on the door. No response. I enter slowly and find him laying in the same position I had left him in. Most of the temptations I had last night are gone and are replaced with “uwu’s.”

He must’ve been so exhausted. He looks so peaceful. His arm is going to be sore when we wakes up. I think about moving it down for him but decide he can handle it later. Instead I put a pickle in his hand. Perfect.

I set the jar down and open the up the blinds to let some light in. This darkness is only for sleeping people.

Surprisingly enough, the suns rays shining onto Chanyeol’s eye lids wakes up him. I would’ve figured he’d be in a deeper sleep than that.

He groans rubs his face with the pickle. “Ew. What the fuck?” He says in a scratchy monotone voice and tosses it across the room without a care in the world then turns onto his stomach.

“Ooh, you’re awake. How’s that killer hang over?”

“It could be better,” he mumbles into the mattress. “ Pickle juice usually helps me get over it.” He looks over his shoulder and squints into the light. “Wait. What are you doing in here?”

“I came in to check in on you. Okay, well, wake you up, really. You can’t just sleep all day.”

He turns back around. “Ew why’s my hand moist? Pickle juice?” He sits up and grabs the napkin on his nightstand and uses it to wipe off his hand.

“Uh, so how was your night out?” I watch the napkin in his hand with much intensity and confusion.

“It was pretty fun. I got a little too drunk. Only remember bits and pieces.”

“Oh, things got a little crazy, huh?” I prolong this conversation out of insecurity. Something in me wants to dig deeper and find out more about this girl situation even though it’s none of my business and I’d be better off not knowing.

“Yeah. Baekhyun made up this fun drinking game. Kyungsoo was the only one who made it out okay.”

“Oh cool. What was it?”

“It was basically never have I ever where you drink every time you lose a life.”

“What were the questions like?”

“I don’t know. They were like— OH. There was a really cheap one like, ‘Never have I ever eaten as many pickles as Chanyeol’ or something. Complete bullshit,” he laughs. He gets up and tosses th phone number into his waste bin. “God, my shoulder,” he mutters with a grimace and stretches a little to make it feel better.

“You don’t want to keep that?” I ask suddenly. The confusion around why he threw it away and used it was just too much for me not to say something.

“The napkin?” He stretches his arm across his chest. “Oh. The phone number.” He glances into the bin. “I don’t really need it.” He circles his arm and stretches out his neck.

“Wasn’t that like, important though? Don’t want to call back or anything? No follow up?” Shut up Sehun! You’re being so stupid and obvious.

Chanyeol chuckles a little at my ridiculousness. “Uhm. No, not really.”

“So then…? You asked without intentions of…?” I need to stop while I’m ahead. I’m getting embarrassed by saying all of these things, and it’s clear Chanyeol thinks it’s weird.

“I didn’t ask. I accepted it out of politeness. She was hitting on me and slid it into my pocket. I didn’t see a reason to make her feel bad so I took it.

“Oh—” I try my best to hide a smile. But I can’t. I run over and give him a huge hug. I must be acting so weird to him right now, but I don’t care. I’m too relieved to care.

“Are— Are you okay, Sehun?” His voice is slightly strained due to the tightness of my hug.

“I’m terrific.” I let go and walk to the door and look back with a huge smile. “Baekhyun’s making breakfast.”


	25. Entry 13

sehun must really love eggs. he’s been smiling like a buffoon all morning as he stuffs his face. i feel like he’s never been so happy before. or at least i never noticed. it’s a really good look on him. like a 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 good look. he should smile more.

it’s weird though. the happiness came out all of a sudden after talking about throwing away a phone number i got last night, but it’s unclear if it’s related. it’d be really weird if it was because it’d be odd to be so cheery over something like that. maybe he remembered breakfast and was just jazzed about it? who knows? seeing him this happy though is really making my day. it’s like radiating off of him and giving me really great vibes. has he always been like this? he’s usually trying his best to get on my nerves out of entertainment, so i guess i haven’t really been looking. but now that i am, he’s really shining

on a separate thought though, i don’t remember how i got home.

okay, so i asked baekhyun if he remembered

because i think he was a little less drunk than i was. he said we took a taxi home. i asked if we did anything else or went to bed and he said sehun put him to bed but he has no idea if he did the same for me. sehun piped up and confirmed he put us both to bed. that’s kind of embarrassing. i get a bit giggly, okay not a _“bit”_ but very. I haven’t experienced it personally of course, but i can only imagine how annoying that’d be for anyone sober. not to mention, not too often, but sometimes, i get a bit— i was going to say the most blatant word, but i’m not sure i want that out there. let’s be fancy about it and say… concupiscent. some of you will be lazy and not look that up maybe. who knows. but i don’t want anyone to be put in a situation where i make them uncomfortable or put myself in a situation i didn’t truly want. that’s why i don’t usually go out drinking alone, my friends help me keep myself and others in check. so hearing sehun put me to bed, i feel a bit nervous

after baekhyun exited the kitchen and sehun was putting his plate away, i lightly grabbed his arm for his attention and decided to ask about it. he got a bit awkward with me and looked away which sparked so much fear in me. i turned his head back to look at me because i wasn’t playing around since i genuinely didn’t remember a whole lot. he stared at me for a bit before he answered. i wondered if i was being too aggressive and stepped back. he told me i didn’t do anything, so i asked him if he was sure and he insisted i didn’t do anything and that all that happened was he helped me to bed. that brought me a ton of relief. i didn’t have any concerns besides that one so i prepared to leave the kitchen. he side steps away from the sink and asks me why i was so concerned with it, so i told him i didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation. he nodded and said “that makes sense” before walking away into his bedroom

after that, baekhyun came back with his plate and asked me if i’d like to play his switch with him and of course i said yes. so i’m about to do that right now

i’m gonna beat his ass at smash bros ultimate


	26. Blog 13

So... Is it me that’s the bad situation or is it that he was drunk? I dunno, maybe acting gay with someone is “a bad situation” in his eyes. I mean, would it be so bad to be with me though? I’m not that bad, right? I’m cool. I’m nice. I’m… I’m a guy. Why do I have to like a straight dude? Why’s he gotta be so… I dunno… Good? I don’t have descriptive words right now, alright? I’m dying. Okay no, I’m actually just laying on the floor blocking my door.

Realistically, I know I’m just being over dramatic. I just keep having this back and forth with myself over everything.

Ugh. I’m just going to go back to bed and just ferment in these emotions. Know what? No. Let’s just fuck with Chanyeol more to cope. Better solution? Probably not. But it’s much better than feeling bad about myself over and over. So let’s change it up a bit.

I don’t know what I’ll do exactly. Maybe I’ll just stick pickles in odd places. I dunno.


	27. Entry 14

i’ve just asked baekhyun to help me out with getting back at sehun. he put pickles in my shoes, on my pillow, and even in the shower. HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW I WAS GONNA SHOWER NEXT? unless no one else cared about how there’s just a pickle where the soap bar should be, in the drain, and in the toilet bowl. this is abuse and misuse of pickles and i won’t stand for it

sehun is sleeping right now, which is the perfect time to strike. i’m writing as things go. baekhyun is currently lock picking his door. i’m prepared for shenanigans. if anyone is going to waste pickles, it’ll be me. i have a new jar that was being stored in the fridge open and in hand. my one and only plan is to empty it out onto sehun’s sleeping, unsuspecting body. go big or go home. his poor bed though. who knows how long the vinegary pickle smell will stay for? well he should have thought about that before i squished pickle into my favorite shoes and had soaked my pillow with pickle juice

okay, so baekhyun got the door open. i’ll update once the deed is done

LMAO OKAY SO, I DUMPED IT ALL ON HIM AND HE WOKE UP SO FAST. IVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO ANGRY BEFORE. I RAN SO QUICK OUTTA THERE

i snuck in there because sehun is surprisingly a light sleeper and straight up poured it all. this wasn’t planned, but most, if not all, the pickles hit him in the face as they fell out. he shot up so quick with an immediate reaction to wipe his face and hair out of the way as he yelled at me

“chanyeol, what the fuck?!” it was oddly… hot tho? he gave me this glare and i knew i had to book it. i didn’t have plans to be throttled. baekhyun and i locked ourselves in my room while sehun banged on the door while throwing a ton of profanities at us. he was probably only there for like 5 minutes then stomped away. we’re currently still in my room for safety. it probably won’t be safe for another hour until sehun cools down though. but we can make due. baekhyun has his switch on him so we can dick around on that for a bit

i wonder what kind of wrath i’ll be in for later and why did i suddenly find sehun good looking there?


	28. Blog 14

That fucking dick. I don’t know if he planned this in his stupid entries or whatever, but I can’t find them anymore. Any of them.

He’s such a freaking douche. He threw a bunch of pickles and their juices all over me and all over my bed and everything. What’s worse is Baekhyun helped him? What the fuck? Since when are these two partners in crime? Is it one against two now? Because that’s horse shit. Those two are friends and all but not like hanging out this much, when did that even happen? They go to the bar, play video games, and now ruin my belongings? The hell?

Also, those two have been in his room for hours. What could they possibly be doing there to keep them occupied for so long? Whatever. I’m taking a shower and i’ll figure out what to do with my brand new water bed later


	29. Entry 15

sehun isn’t unattractive by any means. in fact, he’s very attractive. i can admit that. i knew that already about him. i’ve known that. but why is it hitting me so suddenly now? ive never thought about him this way before and for me to suddenly find him moving his sopping wet hair out of his face attractive is odd

i decided to delve further into this feeling out of curiosity. i had to know if it was a fluke in the universe or if the aroma of pickles was messing with my brain

i dumped water onto his head.

he didn’t like it.

he did the same thing as he did with the pickles. his hair flopped to the side and he looked just as amazing as he did before. then he kicked me in the stomach

i had another test tho. i waited a few days to minimize his anger at me then ruffled his hair. with both my hands. he was sitting on the couch on his phone minding his own business then i sat next to him with a “hey” then attacked right then and there. his face scrunched and when i stopped, he opened his eyes with a grimace and hit my hands away. he groaned “fuck off” at me lmao. but i found it cute and funny. usually i’d just laugh but the added emotion of me “f i n d i n g i t c u t e” was there. so i couldn’t

i think i’m uncomfortable with this new development

what even is this? i’ve never liked a man before. i never thought i could. i guess i haven’t tried either or even thought about it. well it definitely has my attention now. i think i need to think on this for a bit

let’s say, as a hypothetical, i full heartedly accepted this turn of events. i’ve known sehun for years. i couldn’t just like, t e l l him. i live with him, it’d be so awkward. this is coming from a guy who has always straight up told every crush his feelings. it’d ruin the already established “harassing each other” relationship we have. even though it’s frustrating sometimes, it’s really fun. i don’t want that to leave.

maybe if i just let him be for a while this little crush of mine will slowly dissipate. it’s safer this way. if my feelings grow it’ll hurt me more than taking this precaution early on to ignore him for a bit. it’ll suck, but it’s better in the long run tho, right?


	30. Blog 15

So if you think I'm just gonna let Chanyeol get away with yesterday, you’re wrong. I came up with something. It’s not my best work, but it’s not the worst either. Basically, I'm just gonna dump water onto his bed to soak it then I’ll air it out a bit while he’s out so he doesn’t see that it’s wet and sits in it later. You know, that good in between period where the sheets look dry but really it’s uncomfortably wet. Yeah, that. Good stuff good stuff. I would make it pickle juice, but he’d smell that issue a mile away before he even touches it, so. But I will leave him a pickle on his nightstand.

I’ll continue this later with an update.

Okay, so it’s been a few hours. He just returned with Baekhyun. Of course. They’re basically bestestest friends. And it sounds like they’re talking about being tired and thinking about heading off to bed. Yes, I’m eavesdropping from my room. No, I didn’t plan to do that, it’s just how things went.

They seemed to go their separate ways, then silence. I peeked my head out to see if Chanyeol actually has already gone in his room.

The door is barely past my face when we make eye contact. He has his wet sheets and blankets in his arms and he pauses right in front of me. His face isn’t upset in any way, no anger, no frustration, no disappointment, no anything. It’s just an acknowledging look before he continues on his way to the backyard to hang up his bedding to dry all the way.

I watch him re-enter the house and slide the backdoor shut while his other hand glides through his hair. He makes eye contact again as he heads back in my direction, but walks right past me and closes his bedroom door behind him.

He’s never acted that way before, so frankly, I have no idea where that leaves us currently. Maybe something happened earlier so he isn’t in the mood? I have no idea.

I decide to walk over to his room and knock lightly on the door to see if he’s okay. No response. I crack it open slightly. “Chanyeol?” I stop just before the door knocks into a foot and I scale up the body to find Chanyeol asleep on the floor with the light still on. He’s lying on his stomach with his arms underneath the pillow and his cheek squishing as he lays with his head turned to the side. He’s changed out of his day clothes and is now in his sleep wear of his usual t-shirt and shorts. I don’t think he’ll ever learn to pull his shirt down to hide exposed skin.

I decide to go back to my room as it seems he’s already fallen asleep. Chanyeol is usually one to fall asleep quickly, but that's REALLY fast. But I guess there’s no reason to wake him to ask if he’s okay.

I turn off the light and quietly shut the door.

Before I open my own, I subconsciously glance back to his room as I wonder what’s wrong and I see the lights turn back on. There’s a sudden pang of hurt in my chest as I watch his shadow traverse under the door.

Is he avoiding me?


	31. Blog 16

Chanyeol hasn’t tried to get me back and it’s been a few days. As well as that, it seems like he really is trying to ignore and avoid me when he can.

So many times we’ve run into each other but he’s barely acknowledged me. I was coming out of the bathroom and he was waiting outside because he needed it, and when I exited, he looked at me then averted his gaze and entered. I could be looking into that one too far, but what about when I was making a sandwich and I offered to make him one too and he straight up left the room. Or when I was entering the driveway and he happened to be leaving at that same time and I said hello to him and all he did was raise his hand, not look at me, and get into his car and take off. Like, not even a full wave? Only a hand raise? But at least I got that and not nothing as usual the past w e e k. So, I don’t think I’m looking into it too much. But I’m starting to really think I’ve done something wrong. I want to ask him, but based on this no talking streak, I’m afraid he just won’t answer me.

Another reason for thinking him doing this is my fault is because I’m currently in the kitchen watching Baekhyun and him playing video games and he looks like his usual, happy self. He’s smiling and laughing and just generally goofing around. Something cute he did that kind of hurt was put his head in his hands with an embarrassed smile then turn to fake strangle Baekhyun who was laughing at his loss.

They get along really well together. His frustrations toward Baekhyun are reflected at him differently than toward me. With him, everything is in fun, good spirits. With me, well, he means it. That’s not to say our jokes on eachother are in bad spirits, but I don’t see Chanyeol wanting to fake choke me out, so— I guess when I make him upset he genuinely is for those few moments. Like currently, I guess.

How’s Baekhyun better than me, anyway? I can hang out too. Play video games. Have a nice conversation. Go out drinking. Why couldn’t he have chosen me? I realize we have ups and downs, but still? I’m not really that bad am I? At least, I haven’t thought I was.

“Ah, one sec. Don’t start, I gotta get a glass of water first.” Chanyeol’s voice pulls my eyes in his direction. He’s coming toward me— Okay, well, no, the kitchen in which I’m standing in the doorway of.

I scrunch myself against the wall to let him through. He of course doesn’t even look at me.

He grabs a glass and goes to the fridge to get some water. He takes a long drink immediately. I feel like I shouldn’t be staring, but I am. It feels wrong to stare now because of the guilt that I have wronged him in some way. When he resurfaces, his cup is half full and he goes back to refill it back up. He sets it down on the counter and as he walks back out of the kitchen, he tells Baekhyun he has to use the bathroom first.

In this moment, I decide to use this opportunity to see if Chanyeol will break this character and finally acknowledge me. I don’t know how to approach him, so maybe if I can get him to talk to me first, I can get there.

Baekhyun isn’t paying attention as he waits on his phone and of course, Chanyeol is out of the room. So I go into the fridge and grab out a pickle and put it in his water glass.

It’s not even a minute later and he re-enters the room. He stares at his water for a second and sticks his fingers in to grab out the pickle. He tosses it into the trash and pours out his water into the sink just to refill his cup with non-contaminated water. He exits the kitchen without a single glance. Without a single word.

I feel like breaking down right then and there. It hurts so much to be ignored like this. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong. What could have been so bad to make him hate me so much?

I retreat into my room because I don’t know for how much longer I hold back my emotions. I can’t let them see that. That’s so embarrassing. Not that Chanyeol would even care enough though. But Baekhyun might. Unless Chanyeol’s turned him against me too? I don’t even know. Or maybe Baekhyun did this? No, I shouldn’t let myself get to that point. That’s awful. He wouldn’t do that. He hasn’t been mean to me, in fact he says hi to me while I watch them play sometimes and is just his usual polite self. He makes me feel welcome and everything. It’s ridiculous, but I hate how nice he is because it just makes me realize how great he is. He really is just so nice and fun to be around. I really do get why Chanyeol prefers to be around him.

I should really be more like him.


	32. Entry 16

so avoiding sehun is proving much harder than i had thought. though, he of course lives here, so how did i think this was going to work? now that i’m trying to ignore him, i feel like i see him even more often. what is this, universe? a curse?

he’s always where i need to be. primarily the kitchen. maybe we both get hungry at the same time? i have no idea. see, i wanted to avoid him so i don’t think about my feelings, right? well, the more i see him, the more i think about the first time i noticed how good looking he was which then translates into me thinking he currently is even more good looking, which i wanted to ignore. like really though. i couldn’t even be mad he drowned my bed when i saw him peeking out from his room like that. it was really cute. he looked like a child getting caught in the act of doing something he shouldn’t be doing. it was pure. i can’t have these moments. i don't know what to do with them

but even with all this said, it does feel weird to ignore him though. everyday it feels like i’m always forgetting something. i hadn’t realized just how much i looked forward to talking to sehun until i forced myself not to anymore. baekhyun is amazing and everything and fun to be around, but it isn’t the same bullying energy.

like, last night sehun put a pickle in my water. i wanted to laugh so hard but i just didn’t think i would have been able to handle that interaction. it would lead to conversation maybe an explanation and probably me staring at him weirdly and him getting weirded back. basically, it would get rid of what i’m trying so hard to do right now. I don’t want to make things awkward between us. i want to be able to be around him without being, well, like this. not that there’s anything wrong with being— okay look, it’s just new to me and i didn’t know i could even feel like this. i don’t want to ruin everything. i don’t know what i’m capable of. what if for whatever reason i’m just like, too obvious? then he’s like “oof you gay bro?” then i’ll like crumble from the inside out because i didn’t think i was, until him. i don’t want that— and honestly, i’m not sure how much he minds being avoided? he still says hi to me and offers me things, but he doesnt seem to really react too much too it. granted, i’m usually moving too fast to really catch the whole moment. but usually from what i do see, he’s okay. makes sense though. it doesn’t seem like something to get upset over based on our relationship. we’re friends but we don’t “hang out” so it seems normal to have times where we just don’t speak. so i’m sure he gets it.

along this topic, baekhyun talked to me. i tried to write this one all out as i try to remember, but just so you all know, i’m no writer so i’m sorry if ít sucks

I just died again in smash brothers ultimate for the nth time and it’s getting really annoying so I toss the controller onto the coffee table in front of me.

I rub my hands on my face to calm myself down and let out a laugh. “You’re too good at this game, dude.”

“Nah. You just need to stop playing Little Mac.. He has the worst recovery, so of course you’re going to fly off the stage.”

“Ugh, you’re right. But Banjo Kazooie kept flinging themselves off too.”

“Just gotta time it.”

“Ugh.” I throw my head back because Baekhyun isn’t wrong. But who’s he to say he’s not good at this game? He has time to practice since it’s his switch console.

“This is a random question, but do you mind if I ask?” Baekhyun sets down his controller in his lap.

“Sure.”

“What’s up with you and Sehun? You two seem weird. You aren’t talking.”

“Uh, well.” I first thought about lying. But Baekhyun catches stupid excuses fairly easily and I couldn’t really come up with anything worth telling. And maybe he has some good insight? Some good advice? “Honestly? I’m kind of in a weird spot right now.” I laugh awkwardly. Unbelieving that I’m about to admit out loud that I like Sehun.

Baekhyun nods his head in understanding and repositions himself to face me. It makes me embarrassed because of what I’m going to say and he’s unsuspecting of what I’m going to utter.

“I— Um...” I shy. I’m unsure how to start because I don’t exactly want to say it. What would he think of me? But Baekhyun’s patience with me helps me along. “Things with Sehun, well, for me for Sehun, have been a bit weird.” I start it. Baekhyun nods and is ready to hear more.

“Weird as in… I think I actually… Like him?” I freeze. I said it out loud. I can’t take it back now. I like Sehun.

Baekhyun’s face shifts into a shock/surprise mix which leads me to wonder whether or not it’s he good or bad kind of moods.

“You— What? Really??” Okay, maybe it’s the good kind? He seems excited, I think?

“Yeah—”

“Oh my god,” he squeaks. I’ve never seen Baekhyun so enthusiastic like this. “Can I ask what you like about him?”

“I— I dunno… I just really like our interactions. They’re fun. Also anger inducing sometimes, but we mess with each other a lot and it’s enjoyable. He’s also funny and kind of cute sometimes. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but he swings his legs when he’s sitting on a surface that’s higher than him?” I laugh thinking about it. “He doesn’t seem like he’d do that but it’s cute. I don’t even think he knows. He’s also pretty sassy and it’s really endearing to me.” I feel a huge smile on my face and I try to hide it.

Baekhyun grins. “So, what is exactly the weird part?”

“Well— I’ve been ignoring him.” I look away to my lap and play with my sweatpants strings. “It’s— I’ve never liked a guy before and he’s my friend. I don’t want my feelings for him to develop anymore, so I’m trying to cut them off before they progress.”

“Chanyeol—“ He puts an empathetic hand on my knee just as Sehun enters the room. He stares at us for a second. His eyes flicker between the hand on my knee and us. I keep my gaze down.

Baekhyun greets him per usual and asks him what he’s up to. He slowly raises the glass in his hand and turns into the kitchen. He’s slow on his way back to his room, definitely watching us all the way until he closes his door.

I feel embarrassed the entire time because I’m sure he finds this situation really weird. I think I’d also question my friends if I saw them doing this too.

Baekhyun turns back to me. “Chanyeol. You can’t ignore him. That’s not how this works.”

“Why not?”

“It might be hurting him.”

“Sehun? Pfft no. I’m sure he’s fine. He wouldn’t get bothered with this kind of thing. He has been indifferent toward me before when I do stuff, so I’m sure he could care less about this. Maybe he’s even content with me out of his hair.”

“How do you know? Sehun doesn’t really seem to say what he thinks or feels directly. It feels like when he’s upset in any way he goes into his room.”

“I hadn’t really noticed that, I guess. He’s pretty good at pretending when I see him...” I didn’t ever think about Sehun’s body language. I wonder how many times he’s been in a bad mood and it completely slipped by me.

“It’s something I’ve noticed over time. And I get it. It’s easier to just be alone for a while.”

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t tell him, Baek. It’d ruin everything and if I act normally. I’ll see him and hear him and just like him even more.” I throw my head back and groan. This is hard. Too complicated. “I don’t want to hurt myself.”

“You shouldn’t hurt him either. I think you need to take things one step at a time. The first one being not ignoring Sehun anymore. I think you’re already hurting yourself by doing this. Don’t you WANT to talk to him? Be around him? Acknowledge his presence? Isn’t that better than nothing? At least having him be around you would be great, right?”

I look at him. I hadn’t considered those things before. I was too scared of what I was feeling to even consider the overall picture like that. What do I want? Do I want to be around him regardless? Do I want to face my feelings head on, knowing they could develop and become stronger? Do I want to hold back any urges I may have later on? There’s so many things I have to consider, it’s so overwhelming and it feels like I have to decide now. “I-I don’t know… Can I think about it for a bit?”

“Of course,” Baekhyun gives me an understanding smile. “Let’s play another round.”


	33. Blog 17

Do you know the feeling of falling in your dream and you jolt awake, scared? You sit there and look around the room for a sense of comfort to calm yourself down so that the adrenaline you just felt will slowly drift away, and you’ll finally feel secure like you did before falling asleep in the first place.

Now, imagine that same uncomfortable, adrenaline-powered anxiety as a continuous feeling, rather than having it for those few minutes. You can’t stop it no matter how hard you try, no matter what distraction you place in front of your face, no matter how much you tell yourself everything is fine, because it really is.

That’s how I feel. And I can’t stop it.

It feels like my worst nightmare, my irrational dream is becoming a reality. It explains everything. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are dating. It was so obvious, yet I was telling myself it wasn’t true because I was too focused on pretending that Chanyeol couldn’t be gay, because if he were, it’d be even more disappointing because then I actually would have a chance and he still wouldn’t like me. And it’s exactly what’s happened.

You guys should have SEEN those two on the couch. Baekhyun was facing Chanyeol and had his hand on his knee and he was leaning against the couch just— In this WAY. Chanyeol wasn’t removing his hand either. He looked embarrassed and his cheeks were a bit pink. They were clearly having a moment over there. When Baekhyun saw me, I felt this energy. This certain atmosphere you feel when you’ve walked into a moment you weren’t supposed to but they don’t want to be rude and ask you to leave so instead, they ask what you’re up to so that you know you’re not invited. I wanted to interrupt their moment further by going over there and just— I don’t know. Just— stopping it. That’s it. Stopping it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It wasn’t any of my business. None of this is. I can’t just stop things from happening simply because I don’t like it. Because I’m bothered by it.

I know I can’t.

But why? Why can’t I? I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to feel such ugly emotions. I want to just be able to feel happy for him. For them. For me. Just be content with what I currently have. But I can’t. I don’t know how. That’s something you learn, and I just wasn’t taught it. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I’ve been like this for like five hours. On and off because after the first hour or so I’ve managed to get my mind off it for a bit, but it keeps coming back. And currently it’s back. I have to go out there. I have to see what they’re up to. I just— I won’t be able to put myself at ease if I can’t confirm to myself they aren’t doing anything.

I exit my room with my empty glass of water to pretend that’s all I’m doing. The two of them are giggling and laughing together. There’s two bottles of alcohol sitting on the coffee table before them. One seemingly new, and the other half gone. They both have a shot glass sitting in front of them already filled to the brim.

Chanyeol seems to lose to Baekhyun once again. He curses with a huge grin on his face and grabs the mini cup. The liquid runs down the side of his hand as he carries it up to mouth and downs it. The alcohol slowly cascades down the side of his chin and is about to drip off before he wipes it away. As he swallows, he grimaces and slams the glass down on the coffee table followed by a “Woo!” Baekhyun laughs and leans into Chanyeol, his hand seeming to find its spot right on Chanyeol’s thigh.

The sight inflames my feelings and the glass in my hand slips from my grip and slams into my foot. The dull thud draws both of their attention.

I’m already picking up my cup and rubbing the top of my foot when they look over.

Seeing them drunk together is literally the worst situation I could’ve ever imagined. Baekhyun is the touchiest person toward whoever is closest to him and out of everyone when he’s drunk, I’d rather him not be around Chanyeol for this very reason.

“Sehun!” Baekhyun laughs. He outstretches his hands like a tiny baby child and does graspy hands at me with a pout. “Join us!”

My gaze travels to Chanyeol so I can gauge his response, but he’s too busy watching Baekhyun. I can’t tell if he’s looking at him to not look at me or if he just wants to stare at Baekhyun. Either way, he’s not looking at me. Even in this drunk state he’s ignoring me. Why does Baekhyun always win? No matter what, he chooses Baekhyun over me. He didn’t even do anything, yet he won and I lost. Did I even have a chance to begin with? Does he hate me that much?

Ignoring Baekhyun's request, and without even thinking, I say, “You like Baekhyun, don’t you?” 

I immediately cover my mouth. The emotion that sentence carries scares me because I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t want to let them in on what I’m feeling, about them, about him. It feels unreasonable to. The way I feel is my fault and not their problem.

Baekhyun begins to laugh his ass off and falls against Chanyeol once again. Baekhyun's laughs make Chanyeol laugh, who didn’t even seem to catch the question.

Baekhyun tries to sit himself up straight but every time he tries, he laughs harder which makes him even weaker. Twice he fell against Chanyeol’s chest and lingered there until he collected himself enough to move even a little, and once, he hunched forward enough to lay his forehead against Chanyeol’s thigh. When he does finally get enough strength to sit up, he pushes himself up with the cushion space between Chanyeol’s legs. But Chanyeol was too busy laughing at Baekhyun’s struggle to even acknowledge it.

My heart sinks. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know if I should stay or go.

That uncomfortable feeling returns tenfold and the only thing that I can feel myself beginning to actually do is tear up. It’s so overwhelming to know how powerless you are in these situations.

I do decide to leave though. I don’t want to be there to watch things escalate. And it pains me to even say that things even could. I don’t want to be around when or if they start making out or something. I would die. Like now. I’m so overcome with emotion I can’t stop crying. My chest and stomach hurt due to tension, my face hurts from my ugly crying, my eyes burn as if they’re dry even though they’re wet, and my head hurts from all the pressure. I even look like trash right now with my red, puffy, blotchy face. It’s too much. Why can’t I be a cute crier? My face scrunches so stupidly and my mouth frowns in the most unflattering way. I bet Baekhyun is a cute crier. He probably gets less noticeable redness and these cute puppy eyes. They probably melt you with one look. And I bet if I were Baekhyun and crying this hard, Chanyeol would care and hold me. Maybe even do that soft thing where he’d move my hair out of my face and tell me everything’s okay.

But I’m not him. And Chanyeol doesn’t.

Here’s to yet another five hours.


	34. Blog 18

It’s been a few days since Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s drunk gaming. All I've been doing since then is the bare minimum. I get up when I need to. And I eat sometimes. I’ve kind of been taking a break from the world, ya know? I’m trying to expel my dark energy and transform it into positive energy. I think I’m about thirty percent there already.

I’ve been drowning myself in YouTube videos and tears and honestly, it’s gotten quite boring. I even did an experiment where I sat in bed to see how long I could sit there. I didn’t move for a full forty-eight hours, man. Best piss of my life, I’m tellin’ ya. If you ever want to be grateful for having a functioning bladder, do that. I highly recommend it.

Not actually. Sorry. I’m just trying to deflect how I feel into jokes, but it’s not really working for me.

It’s like, one PM, I think. I’ve been awake for about two hours and my thirst is finally now catching up with me. I don’t want to go out there, but it’s a must if I want to alleviate my thirst.

Of course when I go out there, Chanyeol and Baekhyun are together. Yee haw.

Baekhyun says hi to be. Dumb-ass nice guy. I say hey back. Dumb-ass polite guy. Chanyeol says nothing. Dumb-ass ass guy.

I get my water and watch them from the kitchen as I usually do.

It’s been a week and a half of Chanyeol ignoring me, and I realize now that I haven’t actually asked him why. Granted, I haven’t had the best opportunity to do so, but I still haven’t. Having realized this, I had an itch that just wouldn’t go away. I had to try to know how I’ve wronged him. I have to ask him and I can’t let him ignoring me get in my way. I have to make him talk to me. I’m sick of this stupid game. I need an explanation now, this is literally ruining me.

I set down my glass of water. I think I’m going to do this.

I dance in front of millions, travel the world, and talk on TV, but god dammit, forcing this interaction will be by far the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I walk right into his field of vision and yank the controller from his hands so quickly he has no time to react. I take his hand and yank him off the couch. “We have to talk.” The whole time he’s looking at our hands.

I pull him into the closest private room and that happens to be the bathroom. I shut the door behind us and lock it. I don’t expect anyone to walk in on us, but it feels more secure this way.

I look up at him. He refuses to look at me still. He holds himself as he studies the counter just below his waist. Then his gaze shifts to the floor after a bit of silence.

I was feeling so confident before, but now that I have a chance and that he’s in front of me I feel unsure. What do I say? How do I start this? I feel like there’s so much but none of it is coming to mind. Having him here in front of me just makes me so nervous that I’m going to fuck up and make him hate me more. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I don’t even know if that can happen at this point. And I don’t want to find out— What if I just didn’t speak and instead we stood here just so I could just have him here with me? Just for a while. I don’t want to ruin this. But I have to. I can’t keep him here against his will forever.

“I—” I try and choke out. I bring the back of my hand up to my mouth and sniffle. I really don’t want to cry but I can’t help it. The tears are oozing out of me like a smashed juice box.

Finally, he looks at me. My heart races from the unexpected eye contact. It makes me get even more emotional as I look up into his eyes. I didn’t know I could miss someone’s gaze so much. It just sucks that the first time I actually gain his attention I have to be crying.

“I’m sorry.” I finally get out. “I’m so sorry.” I wipe my eyes with the palm of my sleeve. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t. But please stop ignoring me. I don’t like you ignoring me.” I take in a sharp breath, “I do-n’t—” I pause, my sorrows taking over me for a moment. “I’m so-rry for whatever it is I did. I’m sorry for drenching your bed a-and for breaking your pickles.” I sniffle. “I’m sorry I’m so mean to you and that I suck a-lot.” I take my other sleeve and wipe my eyes, “Th-at I’m bad,” I hiccup. “I know I’m not Baekhyun, but please see me. I’m here too. I want to hang out with you too. Please do-n’t ignore me,” I hiccup once again. “I want to exist to you. I want to. I’m not as good as him but please acknowledge me sometimes. Y-You don’t even have to all the time. Just sometimes. Please— Only a little.” The last part comes out quiet and small. I have no energy left to continue.

I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and I feel even more embarrassed. I look like a mess. I look like a red panda with the amount of color plastered on my face right now. I pull up the neck of my shirt to partially hide my face and wipe my tears, accepting defeat. In some ways I feel I haven’t communicated myself to him in a good enough way, and in others I feel like it doesn’t matter anyway, as the result should be the same. He hates me, so none of this should change a damn thing.

Unexpectedly, Chanyeol pulls me into a tight hug. At first, I feel the need to push him away, but he’s so warm. He feels like a pillow that I could hold all day. He’s like being in the sunlight in the middle of summer when it’s winter. I could stay like this forever.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” He whispers gently, his voice breaking before every pause.

I cry into his shoulder. My head is still trapped in my shirt with my hand attached, but I’m okay with that. My free hand finds the small of his back to latch onto. I cling to him as if he was going to take this hug back any moment.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Sehun. It’s just me. I’m sorry.” He hugs me tighter. “But it’s over now. I promise. It’s all over.”

I grasp the back of his shirt tighter and nod. He’s telling me he’s not going to do this anymore but something in me doesn’t believe that’s the case.

“You promise…?” I sniffle. I force my hand from in between us and offer out my pinkie to him.

“I promise.” His pinkie entwines with my own, sealing his promise.


	35. Entry 17

I’m just about to win the round when Sehun pulls the controller from my hands and yanks me off the couch.

I’m mad for a moment, then he tells me we need to talk. My mind circles around that instead.

He pulls me into the bathroom and I almost trip over the bathroom mat on the floor. He turns to me with a certain determination, but I can’t meet his gaze still. I shift in my stance and cross my arms. He’s wearing a really cute pastel pink sweater. From what I saw, it looked a little too big for him. I’d look again but I can’t bring myself to.

I check out the counter for something to do. I don’t know why I’ve been brought here in the first place. There’s a small cluster of skin care routine bottles on the right side and a hazardous hairdryer still plugged in on the other. I look to the floor and take in the space between us. In my peripheral, I notice the hand popping out of his sleeve is trembling slightly. It grasps the hem of the shirt and the cloth of his sweatpants. He lets out a small choked out “I” and I look up, curiously.

He looks at me with so much pain. His face is red, with tears cascading down his cheeks. He hiccups a little and brings the back of his hand to his mouth.

I’m completely shocked and concerned. Why is he crying like this so suddenly?

“I’m sorry.” He says. “I’m so sorry.” He wipes his eyes with the palm of his sleeve. The action in itself is adorable. There’s something about the way his hand curls and the way he looks down to do it that makes it really mesmerizing. But what is he apologizing for? He’s done nothing wrong. He apologized for hurting me but I’m not hurt. Albeit confused about him, but not hurt.

“But please stop ignoring me.” He takes in a sharp, shaky breath to continue on.

My heart shatters the more he continues. I didn’t think something like this would hurt him so much. I’ve been in my own world for so long I didn’t see what I was doing to him. He’s not bad at all, he doesn’t suck, he’s not mean. Where did these insecure ideas come from? And he compares himself to Baekhyun. That’s so upsetting. They’re two separate people with different strengths and personalities. It’s like comparing apples to oranges, you can’t because they aren’t the same.

I feel anger build toward myself. I had no idea of knowing I’d do this. I’ve never seen him so affected by something I’ve done before. I’m not the one who deserves an apology here, he is.

“I want to exist to you. I want to. I’m not as good as him but please acknowledge me sometimes. Y-You don’t even have to all the time. Just sometimes. Please— Only a little.” His “please— only a little.” comes out fragile. I feel like if I do or say the wrong thing he’ll shatter.

He takes a glance of himself in the mirror and I see embarrassment set in on his face. He takes the collar of his shirt and hides in it. I wish he wouldn’t feel shy, because truly, he’s a really cute cryer. I realize there’s a time and a place, but honestly, he doesn’t seem to realize how he looks. The red his face creates accentuates his features. It makes his eyelashes and eyebrows dark as if he has makeup on. It also coats his cheeks and nose in this natural blush, making them look rosey. Even the way his lips curl is flattering. And the way his tears pool in his eyes. I never thought something like that would be a thing I’d consider attractive, but it is. His tears pool toward the front instead of the sides, creating a cute, shiny glisten in his eyes.

He blinks and another tear rolls down his cheek from the eye that’s visible to me and it hurts even more.

I have to try and make this right. I decide to bring Sehun into a hug. He feels hesitant at first, then relaxes into it after a second.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. It’s all I can manage. “I had no idea.”

He wraps his arm around me and grasps the back of my shirt.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Sehun. It’s just me. I’m sorry.” I bring him in closer. “But it’s over now. I promise. It’s all over.” I don’t want to hurt him like this again. Seeing him like this crushes me.

“You promise?” He sniffles. He removes his hand from between us and presents me with his pinkie. I can’t help but smile to myself. The act is just so adorably childish it warms my heart a little. I accept his proposal, “I promise.”

He feels oddly small in my arms. He looks much broader than he feels. I never would have imagined he felt this way. I also never would have imagined something like this would be happening. This moment makes me happy. Take away all the pain and tears of course. But I think I want to be around Sehun regardless of how I feel. If I can have more of these cute moments, it’s worth feeling a little uncomfortable sometimes.

“So, um,” I begin. It feels awkward for me to say, as I’ve never offered before, “do you want to hang out later…?” I itch my face nervously as I await a response.

Sehun slowly nods his head against my shoulder. “But I don’t want to force you.”

“You’re not forcing me. I want to.”

Sehun nods okay.

I slowly separate myself from him. “Do you need some time...?”

He nods again and it takes everything in me not to wipe his eyes or readjust his hair as I step past him. “Just lemme know when you’re ready.”

I unlock the door as I step out, closing it behind me. Right outside stands Baekhyun.

“You should’ve told him how you feel,” he whispers.

“You were listening?!” I whisper back.

“I was curious! He grabbed you so quickly; I had to know what was going on. But that’s besides the point, you should’ve told him how you feel.”

I roll my eyes and begin my way back to the couch. “Yeah, okay,” I say sarcastically.

“No, I’m serious! It’s obvious he likes you.”

“What? No way, It’s not like that. He was only upset I hadn’t talked to him in a while.”

“Chanyeol, you’re by no means stupid, but damn are you dumb.”

I give him a glare.

“Oh, stop it. It’s true. What friend balls in front of you asking you not to ignore them anymore?”

“Someone who obviously cares.”

“That’s funny. So you’re saying if I’d ignored you right now you’d begin sobbing?”

“We’re all different.”

“Right, right…” Baekhyun says unbelieving.

“Leave him alone, okay?”

“Okay, man. But just sayin’ you totally had a chance.”

I sigh aggravatedly.

Sehun sheepishly pokes his head out of the bathroom.

I smile a little when I see him.

We make eye contact and he gives me a small smile before heading back into his room.

I stand up to follow.

“You two are cute. It’s like I’m in high school again.”

I push Baekhyun back by the face. “Oh, shut it.”


	36. Blog 19

I enter my room, leaving the door cracked. I can’t believe I just did that. I just sobbed in front of Chanyeol and basically told him how I feel. Okay, in like this— roundabout way, but surprisingly, I don’t think he’s onto me.

I don’t know if he’s coming in here immediately or if he’s even coming into my room. Do I go back out there? How soon are we hanging out? Where are we hanging out? I feel like I don’t have time to think. What are we even going to do? Do I look okay?

I walk over to my mirror to double check. I left the bathroom feeling better but I didn’t really straighten out my shit. I run my hands through my hair then make sure everything’s in place. I check out my face and it’s still a bit too red for my liking. I spot some concealer on my desk. I’m no pro at makeup but I have the bare minimum for occasions. Such as this. I turn the tube and wipe my middle and index finger on the stick and pat the substance under my eyes. It doesn’t get rid of the puffiness but it definitely mitigates the look of it. I also notice my lips look a bit dry. I definitely don’t want them to crack and most importantly, I don’t want Chanyeol to think I look dusty. I think he’s seen enough of my bad side already. And while I’m at it, I decide to add some color. I take a tube of red liquid lipstick and twist out the wand. I don’t want it to be too strong so I decide to wipe some on my finger and tap that on as well.

“You don’t need to do that,” a deep voice says from my doorway.

I jump a little and the tube of lipstick slips from my grasp and falls to the floor. First, I look to the silhouette through the mirror then turn to face him. Embarrassment sets in and I feel like I need to say something. Address anything, make an excuse. But nothing but jumbled stuttering exits my mouth.

“Oh shit— I’m so sorry.” Chanyeol rushes out of the room.

I watch him curiously and look down. There’s small red splatters on my carpet. “Fuck.”

Chanyeol re-enters with a roll of paper towels. He tears some off for me and we both bend down to attack the stain. Of course we bump heads in our haste. What a cliché. But it was sweet. He gave me a small, shy smile before redirecting his attention back to the mess. My gaze lingers on him for a little longer than I had planned.

When I look down, I actually find Chanyeol rubbing the lipstick further into my carpet.

“Hey—” I grab his hand to stop him.

He looks up at me curiously.

“You’re actually making it worse. Here…” I take his hand and begin to make dabbing motions to show him.

“Oh…”

“We actually need some water.” I look around my room for a cup of water. I usually have like five of these laying around. Usually forgotten or too lazy to bring them back out of my room. I spot one on my nightstand and reach out on my all fours to grab it. Some spills out as I bring it back to us, but I don’t care since it is just water.

I dip my towel into the glass and begin dabbing at a different area and Chanyeol begins to do the same.

It’s silent the entire time, only the sound of us patting the carpet. It’s not a problem though, the minimum interactions we have during the process is what makes it a nice moment. Every now and then we’d exchange looks or I’d catch him staring or he’d catch me looking at him, every time followed by a smile.

We keep going until the water in the cup is stained red and the carpet is a light pink. I throw my head back in exhaustion. My body is beginning to ache from staying in one position for so long and honestly, I don’t think this stain is going to come out anymore.

“You okay?” He asks me. He also seems tired of this. His position on the floor has changed a lot with the last three minutes and he’s taking more frequent breaks.

“I think it’s good enough. It looks better than it did. I think it’s just going to be pink from now on.”

“You sure? Maybe we could go buy some carpet cleaners?”

“It’s okay. Maybe later. I’m getting tired of this.”

“Well okay…” Chanyeol bunches up his pile of paper towels.

I reach over to my bedside and grab my mini trash can for him to throw his towels away and for me to do the same.

“So um…” Chanyeol begins. “What do you want to do?”

“Uh…” I take the cup of red water into my hands and stand up. “One second…” I decide to use the time it’ll take me to rise out this cup to stall in hopes I’ll have some ideas by the time I get back.

On my way to the kitchen, Baekhyun speaks out to me. “Hey, how's the hangout going?” He asks without looking up from his phone. I continue and pour out the water and rinse the cup.

“Oh? Why?”

He looks up. “No reason, just curious really. It’s been pretty quiet in there.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Uh…?” I laugh confused and awkward. Baekhyun has always been a little odd, but him implying something like this just leaves me speechless.

He chuckles a little at me. “I’m kidding. What are you two up to?” He stands up and puts his phone into his back pocket.

“Well, nothing yet… We just got done cleaning up a mess.”

“Ohh fun, fun.” He approaches me. “What do you plan on doing then?”

“Uh, not sure yet, why?”

“I was hoping you’d say that, because I have a suggestion. You two should watch a scary movie together.”

“Oh? I dunno. Do you think he’d be interested in that type of thing?”

“Yeah, yeah, Chanyeol loves those. We watch them every now and then, it’s a great time.”

“Well, I guess it’s something to do.”

“Yup.” Baekhyun smiles and slaps my ass. “Enjoy your time.” He begins his way back up stairs.

I don’t fully understand the interaction, but I just ignore it. I have an idea on what to do with Chanyeol now.

I walk back into my room and Chanyeol’s still sitting in the same spot I left him. He looks up from his phone and gives me a polite smile.

“Sorry, um… I was thinking maybe a movie?” I walk in and sit on my bed.

“Oh, okay. What kind?”

“Uh horror?”

“Horror…?” He asks semi-unsure. “Do you like that kind of thing?”

“Horror is okay. Do you not want to?”

“No no, it’s good. It’s okay.”

“Okay…” I reach under my bed to grab my laptop and adjust my pillows for us to lean back on. “Come on.” I pat the area next to me as I move myself closer to the wall to give him some room.

He stands himself up and walks over. He hesitantly sits himself down to me and stiffly leans back against the wall.

“I don’t bite, I hope you know.” I comment on his ridiculousness, not that I have much room to talk. I’m nervous as well. Having him this close to me and for a prolonged amount of time? Oh boy.

He smiles at me timidly. “I know. Sorry.”

What’s up with him? These smiles, his nervousness. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Maybe he’s just being polite?

“Hey, I don’t want to force you to do this.” I look at him with concern.

“No, I’m okay. You’re not forcing me. Let’s watch.” He looks at the laptop with determination. Something about it I find cute, maybe his sudden readiness to do something.

I log onto Netflix and we look around for a while. He seems indifferent to every option so I pick one I find the most interesting at the moment. The Grudge.

I get up to turn off the lights and crawl back onto the bed.

“Can we pull up the blankets?”

I nod and lift the laptop up so he can pull the blanket onto us then set it back down between us.

We don’t get too far into the before I realize why Chanyeol was so hesitant. Even before I clicked play, he was watching with his eyes barely above the blanket. I just figured he was oddly comfortable that way, but I noticed he was also grasping it tightly. Fast forward to the first jump scare, he’s leaning into me and hiding his face under the blanket. Sometimes when something is getting a little tense, he would even squeeze my arm a little subconsciously. I love his reactions to this movie and to be honest, I’d much prefer to watch him watching it instead. Totally not been doing that instead. But like, he and Baekhyun used to do this sometimes? Chanyeol would hide against Baekhyun all cutely? I can’t say the thought doesn’t bother me, because it does. But now I’m confused because I thought maybe they liked each other, but Baekhyun was the one who gave me this idea knowing full well Chanyeol does this? I wonder why?

There’s about twenty minutes left and there’s another jump scare that really gets Chanyeol. He jumps, pulling the blanket up over his and, because i'm next to him, my head as well, which flips the laptop back, cascading us in darkness. He’s practically cowering against me as I can feel some pressure from his head against my chest and his hair tickling my neck. Even if I wanted to move away to give him room, I couldn’t. He has already taken up every ounce of free room left. My bed is a single and so there’s barely only enough room for us two to lay down shoulder to shoulder, yet he’s laying in fetal position and I’m laying on my side.

I’d also like to note, I am in fact laughing at him.

“Dude, how are you not shitting yourself?”

“Because I have you to absorb all of my fear for me,” I smile. I can’t see it, but I feel his aggravation. “We still have some movie left. Want to finish it?”

“Yeah, just open up the screen so she can get us? No way.”

“Chanyeol,” I laugh. “It’s a movie. It’s fake.”

“I don’t care! I’m done with it.”

“Okay okay. So what now then?”

“I don’t know. I need a moment.”

“Okay.” I decide to put my laptop away it doesn’t seem like we’ll be using it again. I’ll just worry about closing that tab later. I sit up and slide off the foot of the bed and bend down to plug it in right below Chanyeol’s side. I go to lay back down and reach out my hand to feel around just in case I accidentally smash Chanyeol in the process. My hand makes contact with his side and it feels like he jumps a mile out of his skin as he turns into his back.

“It’s okay, it’s just me,” I giggle.

“Oh my god, don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to squish you.”

“I don't care, squish me if you need to.”

“Well, if you ask me, a sudden hundred and fiftyish pounds or so connecting with your hip bone would have scared you much more than a sudden and light touch to your side.”

“Whatever.” I can practically hear his eye roll.

It’s quiet for a little while. I’m busy relishing in the fact he’s still close to me, in his presence, when he speaks up again.

“Sehun?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry to ask this, but…” I feel him pull the blankets up. “Can I sleep here tonight…? I don’t think I could fall asleep alone.”

My heart speeds up. He wants to what?

“I know it’s a bit weird to ask. I’m just really shaken up. Haha…”

“S-Sure. Do you need a light? I can turn on my lamp for you.”

“Surprisingly enough, I’m okay. I can’t really fall asleep with a light on that’s why I ask. And I’m far too scared to do anything else but lay here.”

“Wish I knew that sooner,” I say without really thinking, in reference to Chanyeol “sleeping” with his light on.

“I’m sorry.”

“Can I ask why you were ignoring me?”

“Um, I don’t—”

I interject, already hearing his hesitance.”It’s okay you don’t have to.”

He hums in response. “Are you tired?” He adds on. As if I could actually sleep with him here in my bed with me.

“Sort of,” I lie. “You?”

“I am, but my adrenaline is keeping me awake.”

“Are you comfortable enough? I’m sorry my bed is so small. I can scoot closer to the wall.” I say that, but really the only thing I can do is lay on my side again.

“I’m alright. I think I’m actually taking up all your room…” I hear him readjust and feel his presence move farther from me. “Is that better?”

I want to say no because he’s farther from me but I don’t. Instead, I decide to move closer to him. But in all actuality, he didn’t really move that far away, so I misjudge and headbutt into his chest.

“Oops, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” he laughs. “Do you have enough room now?”

“Yeah… I think so. You’re not almost falling off the bed are you?”

He moves forward a little. “No.”

I shyly move my head forward against his chest. He doesn’t mention anything. While we’re here like this, I decide it’s my chance to ask him about Baekhyun directly.

“Um… Can I ask you something personal?”

“Oh? Sure.”

“Are you and Baekhyun like… Together?”

“Like… Dating? No? Why?”

“W-Well you two have just been hanging out a lot recently. I figured maybe…”

“No, I don’t like him like that. We’re just friends.”

“Okay…” I say behind probably the biggest smile I’ve ever had. I try not to let my excitement pool out of me in the form of a squeak.

“While we’re at it… Are you… Like, dating anyone?”

“Me?” I try not to laugh. Me? Dating? Chanyeol, I’ve liked you for so many years that I don’t have time to date anyone else but you. Not that he’d know that. “No. I don’t have a partner.”

“Do you like anyone?”

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“... Me too.” Well, now I’m worried again. I’m happy that it’s not Baekhyun. But now I know he’s definitely looking at someone. “Is she pretty…?”

“He’s beautiful.”

He? So Chanyeol does like guys? I can’t tell if I feel worse about that or not. “I didn’t know you liked men.”

“I didn’t either. But he’s really special,” Chanyeol exhales in a way that tells me he’s falling asleep but I don’t want him to, I’m not done yet.

“... Do I know him?” I don’t know why I do this to myself.

“Mm… Maybe…” He says lazily. I hear him rub his face.

I pout. So much for that. “You tired?”

“Mm…” He hums. It seems like he’s already gone.

“Chanyeol?” He doesn’t reply. I reach above me and poke his face a little. I think I poke his cheekbone, but I’m not sure. I rest my whole hand on his cheek to feel around and tug at the corner of his mouth with my thumb. Now I’m just fucking around.

I feel his mouth pull into a smile of its own, “What are you doing?”

“Honestly, I don’t know…”

He laughs and I feel his hand gently land on my head and rub my hair playfully. It doesn’t take long until his hand begins to feel heavy and the full weight of it lays on me. It makes me feel really soft like we’re together, so I leave it even though it isn’t very comfortable.

I suppose since he has already fallen asleep, I should try to too.

I slowly wake up facing the wall and I feel exponentially heavier. I go to stretch but I quickly find out Chanyeol is wrapped around me so I can’t. And now I don’t want to. His leg is wrapped over my hip and one of his arms is on my chest, the other one being my new pillow. I feel the heat of his breath on the back of my neck. I find it cute.

The moment is short lived for me though when Chanyeol unravels himself from me. He turns onto his other side and I see him slowly slipping off the bed. I think about letting it happen, but I decide to wake him up to prevent it. I can’t hold him on the bed forever.

“Chanyeol,” I call out. I shake him gently back and forth.

He slowly comes to and rolls onto his back. “What time is it?” He asks in a raspy voice and squints at me.

“I dunno, I just woke up.” I yawn. I reach over him to check the time on my phone. “It’s like 11.”

He sits up and stretches out. “Your bed is surprisingly comfortable for its size.”

I smile. For some reason it’s almost like he’s sayingI’m comfortable too. “Hungry?”

“Yeah. But I gotta go to the restroom first.”

We slide off the bed and exit. Chanyeol heads into the bathroom and I go into the kitchen.

“Ooh. You guys slept together? What’s next the shower?” Baekhyun pipes up from his breakfast.

I’m too caught up in imagining that actually happening that to reply immediately. “Oh shut up. Because of you, Chanyeol was too scared to go to his own room.”

“You mean thanks to me.”

I roll my eyes to pretend he isn't right. “So, you guys do that often?”

He laughs. “No, I lied. I just knew Chanyeol was scared of horror movies and gets all grabby.” He makes grabby hands at me and puts the rest of his breakfast in his mouth with a sly smile. “I thought you’d like it.”

“W-Why?”

“Oh please.” Baekhyun gives me this knowing look as he washes off his plate. “You like him.”

“I what…?” How does he know that? Or is he just joking again?

“It’s really obvious. You’re really obvious.”

“No I—“

“I’ve seen the way you've been looking at us play games together. The way you watch him. I’ve also noticed how you look at me, and I can assure you, I’m no competition.”

I’m speechless. I can’t just deny this, he just simply wouldn’t believe me. How do you reply?

Chanyeol exits the bathroom and Baekhyun takes this opportunity to leave.

“What are you thinking about eating?” He asks.

“Uh,” I push aside my interaction with Baekhyun. “I dunno… Eggs?”

“Ooh. Eggs.” Chanyeol says, obvious there’s a different, more important thought on his mind. He then clears his throat and gives me an awkward smile. “Um, would you want to hang out again?”

I smile. “Yeah, that would be really great.”


	37. Entry 18

sehun and i have been hanging out a lot more recently over the past few days. we’ve been watching more movies together and it’s been a really nice time. today, sehun absolutely insisted we watch memories of the alhambra which makes me feel a bit self conscious, even though i’m barely even in it. next time, i’ll force us to watch busted or dokgo rewind or something, see how he likes it.

right now he told me to get us some snacks. damn would i kill for pickles, but i really am trying to go and win this thing. it’s been a while since we talked about the bet though, so i wonder if he’s forgotten about it? i dunno, but the end of the month is coming up soon and i can’t wait to prove to him i just simply enjoy pickles.

i re-enter my bedroom with the snacks in tow. nothing too fancy, just a bag of sour cream and onion lays chips and two bottles of water.

sehun’s laying in a dramatic position on my bed, sprawled out on his back with his head dangling off the edge with his laptop sitting on his stomach, acting as if i was out of the room for hours.

“There you are. I thought I was going to die of dehydration any minute now.”

“Okay drama queen,” I roll my eyes with a smile as I offer out a bottle. He takes it from me and sits up and leans against the wall to drink. I sit down next to him and break open the bag.

He closes the bottle, “Was there not anything else to eat?”

“Not really. Why? You don’t like these? We could make a special trip to the store.”

“No, I’m good with them. I’m just in a snacky mood and was hoping for a variety.” He opens his mouth at me with an “Ah”, my indicator he’d like a chip. I make sure to grab the biggest one I can see and shove it into his mouth. He grimaces as I do it. “You scratched the corners of my mouth,” he complains. “Why did you give me a big one? You know I have a small mouth,” he then pouts.

“Because I knew you’d whine about it,” I tease.

He clicks his tongue and scoots closer to me. He sets the laptop between us, on both our legs. “This is gonna be a hoot.”

“Why do we have to watch my drama? Can’t we watch Kyungsoo’s? Or Jongin’s? Or literally anyone else’s?”

“Noo, I want to watch this one. I gotta support you.” He clicks play. He skips all the company logos and the show’s opening. “Heh, who’s this glasses lookin’ nerd? He looks familiar.”

I roll my eyes.

Sehun turns his head slightly toward me with his mouth open, never averting his gaze from the screen. I pop in another chip, folded this time so he doesn’t whine again. I didn’t think Sehun was much of a whiner, but the closer I get to him, the more I see of him. Which is only natural of course, but he’s a bit different than my initial thoughts about him. He’s much cuter.

He closes his mouth around the chip, and as he chews, his lips stay pursed out. I have no clue why he’s chewing like that, but I like it. It makes me want to do that toddler- like kiss where they pucker their lips all the way out and peck someone’s cheek or something. But this cheek is Sehun’s mouth of course. And I’d totally go through with it if I wasn’t scared to.

“Ah— Dude! You didn’t hang the phone back on the dock. You’re awful. Tsk tsk,” Sehun shakes his head and waggles his finger at me.

I grab his finger to stop his unnecessary wiggling. “Can’t you see I’m in distress? I don’t have time to hang it back up.”

“Nah, you didn’t hang it up for dramatic effect. We all know this.” He smiles at me.

“Well— That's not completely true. There’s a reason— Ugh, just watch.”

He laughs and directs his attention back to the screen. He lowers his hand down onto our collective laps without pulling out of my grasp. I debate whether or not I should let go because at this point I’ve been grabbing it for too long and it’s now classified as holding his hand. But if he minded it, surely he’d have moved his hand out. I decide to leave it alone at the moment.

“Ah dude! You fell hard twice and almost got hit by cars! You could die! Watch out!” He jokes.

“I don’t have to watch out. I’m in a hurry,” I laugh.

He smiles. “Can you still run that far and fast?”

“No. That exhaustion you see through the window is freaking real as fuck,” I smile back.

“Okay,” he chuckles. He turns for another chip. I feed myself first, as I haven’t had any yet then grab another for him. Just as he’s about to bite down on it, I replace the chip with my pinky finger. He tries again and I do the same thing. He frowns and directs his gaze at me and tries for a third time, still failing. I laugh at him for being stupidly cute at failing three times. He grabs my wrist and tries again, but I still manage to keep the chip out of his mouth to which he whines.

“Chanyeol!” He raises his voice followed by a laugh, because even he can see the ridiculousness in this.

“What? Get the chip.” I laugh as I move it toward him and replace it with my finger again.

He takes my hand into both of his to steady it and make sure there’s no more funny business and finally gets the chip from me. “Rude ass.”

I smile at him as I wipe my hand on my shirt from his saliva. “Grab your own dang chips then.”

He sticks his tongue out at me and turns back to the show. After a few beats of silence, Sehun is back to his commentary. “Oh my god—” he laughs. “What is this CG storm?” He rests his forehead on my shoulder for a moment while he chuckles and lifts it again. He gasps. “Wait, what the fuck? Did you just die?! Chanyeol!” He slaps my arm with the back of his hand and stares at me in shock. “Did you just get shot in the stomach?”

I laugh at his sudden change in emotion.

“Don’t laugh! I’m serious!” He whips his head back to the screen.

“Looks like we’re gonna need to watch more to know, huh?” I say it in a cheeky way.

“Don’t give me that,” He rolls his eyes and catches the chip bag in his vision. He looks at me again and opens his mouth with another “Ah.”

Many hours later, we’ve still been binging this show. We had moved spots a while ago on the fifth episode to the head of my bed. About four hours later, Sehun fell asleep on my arm. But I don’t mind. Us falling asleep next to each other has been happening often lately. I actually like it. It’s nice to have him with me. It’s never lonely. And he looks really peaceful when he sleeps. Now, I realize it’s a bit weird to watch someone like this, but I couldn’t fall asleep and I can’t really leave the room since he’s on me. I can’t really do anything else. I don’t want to wake him. And it’s a nice sight. He’s beautiful and as I have said many times before, cute.

I try to resist moving his hair out of his face but I can’t. My hand lingers on his cheek a little before I move it back toward me. As I do so, a smile forms on his face.

“You’re gonna make me blush…” Sehun says quietly and hides his face in his shirt.

I freak the fuck out and roll onto my back. I guess in my stupid boy mind, if I roll over, it’ll be like I didn’t do anything and he’d forget it and probably would be asleep again. I don’t know. “H-How long have you been awake?” I take a glance at him peeking up at me from behind the collar of his shirt.

He looks away from me in what seems to be embarrassment.“I don’t know… Maybe… Ten? Fifteen minutes?

“Fifteen—” I roll over onto my opposite side, facing the wall. Most importantly, away from Sehun. I just fucking stroked him while he was awake. That phrasing sounds bad but shit.

“I was curious how long you were going to look at me for. Honestly, it was really hard not to shy away…”

I feel like shriveling up and dying right now. I am too embarrassed to look at him. My face feels like the surface of the sun.

Sehun places a hand on my unsuspecting arm and I jump. “Chanyeol, I—”

There’s a knock on my door and it opens. The yellow light from the hallway cascades across my room and the silhouette of Baekhyun enters. “Chanyeol! I just bought some cake— Am I interrupting you guys?”

I jump up and off the bed quicker than I ever have before. “No. Nope. Cake? I love cake.” I scoot past Baekhyun in the doorway and head into the kitchen. He really did buy a cake. What the hell? Why? And it seems to be mixed. Half vanilla half chocolate.

The other two make their way into the room.

“Why did you buy this?” I ask as I open the lid.

“I dunno. I was craving cake and I wanted to share with everyone.”

I look at the time on the microwave. “At 9 o’clock?”

He shrugs. “Yeah— Why not?”

I look at Sehun. He stands slightly behind Baekhyun, watching us meekly.

I clasp my hands together. “Baekhyun, do you have a knife?” I feel bad for running away, but I just don’t want to deal with the embarrassment. I have an out. I should take it.

“Right where it always is.” Baekhyun. walks over to the drawer and pulls out the utensil.

“Right. Thanks.” I laugh awkwardly as I grab it. “Chocolate or vanilla?”

“Ooh chocolate. I don’t want to be boring.”

I look over to Sehun for his answer. He shrugs in disinterest. I cut him chocolate as well.

We all sit in the living room to enjoy our slices. Baekhyun and I on the couch, Sehun on the floor just below. I’m almost done with my slice but he’s just playing with his. Baekhyun is just eating at a normal pace.

“So, what have you two been up to today?” Baekhyun asks as he shovels cake into his mouth.

“Just watching Netflix.”

“...And chillin’?” Baekhyun snorts right after and starts cracking up. I feel my cheeks start to go pink and give him a nudge to cut it out. I don’t want to weird out Sehun. “Ahem— Sorry. Uhm. Sounds like a day well spent.”

“It was. It was fun.”

Sehun glances and smiles at me.

“Oh, you two are cute. Have you guys kissed yet?”

My Eyes widen. “Baekhyun—”

“What? I thought maybe since you two have been hanging out a lot lately that maybe—”

I cover his mouth with my hand.

“I-I think I’m going to hit the sack.” Sehun gets up and escapes to his room, leaving his cake behind.

“Baekhyun!” I whine. “What the f u c k?”

“Well, sorry me,” he sasses back. “I didn’t know how incredibly slow you two were taking things.” Baekhyun grabs Sehun’s plate and begins to eat his cake. “I haven’t quite gotten an update on things between you two. But you guys seem pretty close, so.”

“We aren’t dating—”

“You guys sleep in the same bed together like every night— Cuddling— And you aren’t like, dating yet?” He chomps cake in confusion at me.

“It’s not— Why— How do you know, “every night,” ?”

“I enter like I did tonight sometimes.” He looks at me nonchalantly as he chews.

“...Why?” I grimace.

“Well— It’s not like I’m walking in on you on purpose. It’s usually video game related stuff, but I see you’re busy being gross with Sehun so I leave and forget to ask later. Oh yeah! I finally got the new DLC for Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Byleth is fun to play, but Jesus, sucks to play against.” He scoops up more cake.

“What—”

“Watching you two do this awkward tango of “OMG, does he like me?” is getting a bit tiring to watch to be honest. Chanyeol if I were you, I’d just go for it.”

“I don’t even know—“

““If he likes me?”” Baekhyun gives me an unimpressed look.

“—Well yeah…”

“Chanyeol. Chanyeol, Chanyeol, Chanyeol. You sweet baby boy. Sweet idiot boy.”

“Hey…” I frown.

“He literally sleeps with you man.”

“You would too probably if it were late…”

“No. No Chanyeol, that’s not what people do. They go to their own damn beds. I would go to my own damn bed. He’s totally doing it on purpose.”

“I probably would sleep where I was sitting too...”

“Well, you’re a fucking weirdo.”

“Ugh. Okay well— If you’re right,” I offer him a glare. “What do I do? I haven’t asked a guy out before.”

“Oh please, it’s the same as anyone else.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes and shoves the last piece of cake into his mouth. “He probably wouldn’t even care how you do it, man.” He takes all our plates to the kitchen. “Where did all your confidence go?”

“It’s still here. I just don’t want to mess everything up. I think this is the first time I’ve cared so much.”

“You can’t wait forever.” Baekhyun gives me a small smile. “The sooner the better, right?”

“Yeah… You’re right.” I stand up and stretch out. “Maybe I should tell him tomorrow?”

“You could tell him now.” Baekhyun gives me an excited smile.

I return a fearful one back. “Uh— No. I need to prepare myself first. I think I could ask him if he wants to continue watching our show then strike sometime within then.”

Baekhyun snorts. “What a plan, buddy.”

I roll my eyes and start walking toward Sehun’s room. I knock. “Sehun?” I open the door slowly.

“Hm?” He looks up from behind his phone. He’s laying on his side under his blankets. He props himself up on his elbow and looks up at me as I enter. I like watching him look up at me as I walk closer, it’s a good angle for him and it feels like I could walk anywhere and his gaze will follow. Not to mention, it creates a good kissing angle. But I did mention it. Okay but even with that being said, I don’t walk in that close because I don’t want to be weird about it. I only walk in until I’m only like five feet away from him.

“I was wondering if, um…” I’m finding it difficult to look him in the eyes and ask this because I don’t want him to think I’ll stare at him again. “You know, if you want to continue watching my drama tomorrow?”

He gives me a small smile that makes me nervous. “Yeah, of course.” Even after I was weird today he still wants to do it again.

“Okay cool. I just wanted to make sure… Um, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

I exit and make my way to my own room.

Baekhyun calls from the kitchen, “Was step one on your way to bonetown successful?”

I roll my eyes. “Shut it!” I enter my room to go to bed and prepare what exactly I’m going to say.

Hopefully Baekhyun’s right.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ


	38. Entry 19

i didn’t sleep well. i’m not sure if i was very productive either. does this sound good?

sehun. i like you. like, of course i like you, but like, i l i k e you. like, like-like you.

yeah, i agree. i gotta work on it. maybe i’ll just wing it.

I walk into the kitchen. Sehun’s already there washing out his dishes from breakfast.

“Good morning.” I say happily. I clear my throat right after because it comes out scratchier than I wanted.

“Good morning.” Sehun says with a small smile. “I’m ready to watch when you are.”

“Yeah, sure thing. Do you want to watch it in my room or yours?”

“Umm… Yours.” He smiles. “Your bed has more room than mine.”

“Okay. Set it up and I’ll be in there in a second with my breakfast and our snacks. Oh yeah,” I think to remind him of our bet. “speaking of snacks.” I raise my eyebrow at him. “It’s almost the end of the month and I have yet to eat a single pickle, how about that, eh?”

“Oh, but I’m sure you’re dying to, right? You’re welcome to have one anytime.” He gives me a saucy smile as he makes his way into his bedroom. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.

The front door opens and Baekhyun enters with two large gasps of air.

I turn toward him. “You alright?”

“Yeah— Whew. I—” He gasps again. “I just went for a run.”

“You go on runs?”

“It’s— Ah— A new thing I’m trying to get into.” He closes the door behind him and wipes his face with his shirt and lets out a small cough.

“Oh. Sounds healthy,” I say in a sarcastic tone. I mean, it actually is, but he sounds like he’s dying, so...

“I know right. I hate it.” Baekhyun makes his way over to the kitchen doorway. He leans his shoulder against the wall. “What are you up to?”

“Just making some breakfast.” I decide to make toast.

“You doing anything today?”

“Yeah. Just watching Netflix again. Hopefully I'm gonna tell him how I feel…”

“Ohh. I figured you needed more “preparation” time than one night,” he teases.

“Ha-ha,” I say sarcastically and roll my eyes.

“So, you have a plan then? On what you’re going to say?”

“Uhm…” I put the bread into the toaster. Medium setting. I like my toast golden brown. “Something like…” I turn around to face him. “Hey, I like you. Like a lot. Wanna go out sometime?” I joke.

“Laaame.”

“What? Like you could do better.” I cross my arms.

“How about something like…” He leans off the wall and approaches me. “I don’t mean to throw a wrench in your plans but…” He looks up at me. “Recently, I’ve been feeling this certain way about you. I only thought of you as a friend at first, but recently we’ve been having really good times together and I want to continue to. I feel so much happier around you and feel like I’ve never had more fun. I’ve found myself thinking about you and times we’ve shared together quite often so I’ve come to a realization. I like you. And I want to be around you all the time.” Baekhyun prolongs his gaze, waiting for a response.

“Wow—” My eyebrows raise. “That is really good. You should write my material for me,” I joke and give him a small, playful nudge.

He looks down and smiles then looks back up at me. “Haha… Really…?” He says small.

“Yeah! Where did all that come from?” I hear my toast pop up and turn around to grab a plate for them.

“Uh… I guess I just understand how you feel really well.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, I think I’m gonna go take a shower and wash this sweat off me.” Baekhyun begins making his way out of the kitchen.

“Okay.” I glance back and spot a piece of fuzz on his shirt, so I go to quickly grab it off before he gets too far, as one usually would when they see someone they know with fuzz on them. But as I do so, I accidentally step on his shoelace. He begins to trip as he tries to move that foot forward, so I wrap my arm around him to try and catch him. He turns in my grasp mid-fall to try and hold onto something and stop himself from falling too, but ends up bringing me down with him. I catch myself over him with my knees, hand, and forearm so I don’t accidentally crush him. I look below me to find Baekhyun staring back with wide eyes. He looks over down the hallway and fear coats his face. He begins to try and sit up, but only gets as far as propping up his torso on his elbows since I’m on him and therefore in the way. I was about to sit up as well so I slowly move back as he props himself up. I follow his gaze down the hallway and see Sehun standing there, and immediately I shoot up onto my knees since that’s the farthest I can manage from Baekhyun.

“Aha…” He lets out an awkward laugh.

“I—”

Sehun then offers a small smile. “Um, I just came out to tell you I forgot that I actually have somewhere to be….”

“What…?” He has plans?

“Sorry...” Sehun slowly backs out of the living area, entering his room and shuts the door behind him.

“Chanyeol—” Baekhyun sits all the way up and touches my arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin today.”

I look to him. “Ruin? You didn’t do anything.”

“I know— Not really… B-But—”

I wipe his hand off my arm and smile. “It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.” I’m absolutely terrified of this situation. Where does this leave me with being able to tell him how I feel and everything after?

I stand up and walk over to Sehun’s door and knock. Almost immediately, he answers it. He’s in the middle of putting on a clean shirt. He stares at me curiously and he sticks his arms in the sleeves and pulls it over his head. It falls just past his waist, covering up the small sliver of his underwear waistband that I could see. His jeans look tight and don’t leave much to the imagination. And that’s where I’d be if I wasn’t low key freaking out right now. He’s dressed up pretty nicely for his made up thing he has to go to so suddenly. Maybe it actually is real and he’s not making it up?

I watch him walk over to his small vanity.

“Can we talk…?”

“I don’t really have time to…” He trails off as he leans into the mirror. His jeans become even more taught around his butt as he does so. He runs his hand through his hair a few times, adding a nice, messy, fluffiness to it.

“Uh, but Baekhyun and I—”

“I don’t have time to hear about you and Baekhyun, Chanyeol.” He picks up some clear lip gloss. “You two are free to do whatever, whenever,” he deadpans. He screws the lid back on the bottle and smacks his lips a little and wipes some excess off with the back of his thumb. He turns around and pinches a piece of fabric on his liner thigh and pulls it down a little, proving how tight they are even further. “I have to go now.”

“Who exactly are you meeting looking like that…?” Excuse me for feeling a little jealous right now.

He pauses in front of me just after he’s squished his way out of the doorway. “I’m not meeting anyone…” He continues on his way out. The sound of the front door closing hurts equally as much as his sentence.

Baekhyun slowly stands and looks at me with guilt.

I shake my head. I don’t want him to feel bad about this. “It’s no one's fault.”

“I know… But I can’t help it.”

“Just go take that shower. I’ll figure it out.” I head into my room and sit on my bed. I stare at the black Netflix screen on his laptop, waiting for someone to press play, and shut it.

I rub my face from the stress and fall back onto my bed. “Fuck…”


	39. Entry 20

it’s been three days since… the incident. sehun is trying his damndest to avoid talking about it. its been pretty silent between us. he’s pulling a “me” minus the ignoring, only the avoiding. when we’re in the same room he acts fine. run of the mill, good ol’ sehun. then i try to talk to him and he makes up some excuse to run away and i don’t see him for the rest of the day. i’ve tried to go into his room to talk to him, but each time he pretends to be asleep and i can’t just like “wake” him. it’ll feel like i’m stepping over a boundary.

but no matter what today, i am going to make him listen to me. he’s not walking away. i don’t care if he has to actually take a piss really badly, he’s not leaving to do so until he lets me speak. i use this example because currently, it’s 1 A.M and i am taking a leak. i know, amazing. well actually, i just got done.

I open the door and exit, turning off the light behind me. I hear water from the fridge pouring and peek around the corner. Speaking of, it’s Sehun. I’m not waiting until later like I did last time, I am going to talk to him now.

He turns around and takes a drink from his cup then continues on his way back to his room. He jumps when he sees me and spills some water on his foot. “Ah, fuck— What are you doing creeping here?” Fair enough, I am just standing here in the dark.

“I just exited the bathroom.”

“Ah.” He nods a bit. “Well, can you move please?”

I spread out my arms and grab the walls to take up more space. “We need to talk.”

“No,” he emphasizes. “We need to sleep.” He tries to push past me but I resist.

“No. We aren’t going to sleep until you speak to me.”

“I am right now. Hi, Chanyeol!” He says mock excitedly and waves condescendingly.

“Really? Don’t be like that.”

“Like what?” He raises his voice. “I don’t want to talk about it, Chanyeol! There’s absolutely nothing to say. There’s nothing to add!”

“You haven’t even let me speak,” I say upset but I don’t raise my voice. “I don’t want to play this game where I have to chase you down so that I can say something to you.”

Sehun scoffs. “Oh, like you did to me?” He says with much bitterness.

I deserve that one.

“You know what, Chanyeol? I’m tired of this,” his voice returns to his normal tone. “I am the only one playing this “game” and I am done. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to sit around waiting for you and wonder what the fuck is running through that thick head of yours. Wondering what you think of me, why you won’t talk to me, why you won’t hang out with me, if there’s something wrong with me, what you actually think of Baekhyun, if you could actually be on my side and not his for once. I'm sick of it. It hurts. And I've had enough. I’m done. I’m not going to put myself through this torture of wondering whether or not you like me too. If us being around one another actually means anything. What you moving my hair out of my face while I sleep means. Why you would run away from me afterward instead of talking to me about it. Why you would lie to me about the truth of you and Baekhyun’s relationship. Why I would end up waking up as the little spoon in my bed to you. And why we fall asleep next to each other almost every night after. There is just so—” his voice drags on “so” and he gives himself a pitiful smile. “much on my mind constantly about you. You’re all I think about from the minute I wake up to second I fall asleep, and I have been on such an emotional roller coaster this past month because of this. I liked you so much that any amount of attention you gave me was good enough. Every part of this has felt amazing and every bad part has hurt that much worse and I just don’t think I can take these two extremes anymore. So, I apologize I don’t want to hear about you and Baekhyun…”

I have no words. I just so taken aback by everything. I've caused Sehun so much grief and I didn’t even know. All I knew was that I hurt him by ignoring him and that was all. I thought I fixed it. But I had no idea he was concerned about so much more. I feel more fear over our situation than before because I don’t know if I can fix this.

Sehun sighs at my silence and runs his hand through his hair tiredly. “Goodnight.” He squeezes his way past me and enters his room before I can even think of a response.

And Baekhyun was right. Sehun does like...Me? I can hardly believe it. I know he’s answered how he knew already, but really, how? He’s actually been that obvious?

And Sehun thinks about me all the time? I wonder what his thoughts are like. But this isn’t what I should be focusing on right now. I have to try and make him forgive me. I need to make him my friend again first before I can make any moves.

I need to fix this.


	40. Blog 20

Fuck. This. Shit.

This man is so absolutely oblivious that I want to choke myself. He has the balls to tell me that I am playing a “game” with him after everything he’s put me through? What even is that? He tells me him and Baekhyun are just friends then a few days later I catch them both— what, making out on the floor or something? What the heck? Of course I don't want to freaking talk about it. I don’t want to be around it. I am just… Tired. I’m done running in circles. I wish he didn’t lie to me and give me stupid hope, but that’s what happened and I can’t change that. I’m just going to let it go.

I can’t let it go.

Reason: I’m stupid and I love him. Still. All I want to do is go to him and be around him like we have been doing. At this point, even if it means nothing to him and I read every situation wrong, at least it’s something. But I know I can’t do that to myself. I have to respect myself better than that. I need to do better. I need to find better.

Maybe I should download Grindr? No no, wait. I think that would only make matters worse. Buuuuut…Grindr. Okay, I’ll just put a pin in it. I know I said I have to respect myself, but I am also desperate and have needs.

I flop stomach first onto my bed. I’ve been in this stupid slump since I aggressively told him my feelings and got no response. It’s been like, two days since then and he hasn’t said a whole lot to me. I’m wondering if I pushed him too far away. I mean, granted, I told him I was done with him… But I meant more with how I like him and not like as friends. But I can see how that would be unclear. Maybe it’s for the best though.

I sigh.

I should actually get some sort of dinner. I roll off my bed and tumble onto the floor out of laziness. I see my empty laptop charger. I should probably get that back from him.

I stand up and straighten out my shirt before walking out into the living room. He’s sitting at the coffee table on the floor while eating that cake he bought while watching the TV. I’ve never felt more rage at him before. I have been slightly annoyed by him, but not out right upset.

I approach him.

He glances over and makes a double take before dropping his fork into his lap and muting the television.

“I thought you said you didn’t like him?” I say with a shaky voice, but I don’t raise it. I keep it as level as possible.

Baekhyun gets a bit awkward and looks down at his plate in guilt. “I thought it would be easy to ignore my feelings… But it’s much harder than I thought.”

I clench my fist. Why is everyone lying? Baekhyun actually does like him. Chanyeol ALSO actually likes him. They’re definitely together. Fuck, even I’m lying to get away so I don’t have to deal with this. What the fuck is going on? I go to speak but Baekhyun beats me to it.

“But— What happened the other day wasn’t his fault. Yes he was on me— But it was an accident. He stepped on my shoelace and we fell like that by pure happenstance. Chanyeol doesn’t like me like that and I wouldn’t do this purpose after trying to help you. So please forgive him and talk to him again. It’s all my fault. I pulled him down.”

“Well, how would you know he doesn’t?” He has a point about helping me. I don’t know why he’d do that if he also likes him. But being so sure Chanyeol doesn’t like him when they used to hangout all the time and the fact Chanyeol was in no hurry to get up in this “coincidental” fall is weird to me.

“Ah— Well— He’s always looking at someone else.”

“So then you know who he likes?” I take a step forward with way too much interest without thinking and step back again.

“I-I have a vague idea. I told him how I feel and he didn’t get it. That big dummy…” Baekhyun says with much fondness. “I think he would have gotten it if I were the right person. B-But I didn’t tell him so I could ruin everything. I just needed to get it out there. I didn’t want to regret not saying anything.”

I feel that. Not being the right person. Chanyeol being oblivious to everything. I understand him more than I thought I would. “I… Told him too.”

“You what…?” Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “Well, what happened? What did he say?”

“Nothing, actually. It’s been like two days since. But to be fair I have been avoiding him a bit…” I pout and pick at my nails. When I put it like that, it sounds stupid.

“Well stop avoiding him, you ding dong! Either go talk to him yourself or wait for him to talk to you. Hear what he has to say.”

“...Why are you helping me?” I look up from my hands.

“I want you to be happy is why.”

The genuity in his voice throws me off. It’s weird coming from him. This person I’ve only ever seen as my competition. “But what about you?” I say small.

“You deserve it. You’ve liked him much longer than I have and you have a much better chance than me anyway. I’ll be okay.”

“Me…? Please, you guys have so much fun together.”

“Dude!” He laughs. “You two literally spend the night almost everyday. Much more than we’ve ever done.”

“I was always a bit afraid you two have gone farther than drinking together…” I say shyly. “You get all touchy when drunk and Chanyeol…Well...” I blush a little.

“Ah—” Baekhyun’s cheeks turn pink as well. “I-I always tried my best not to get drunk enough around him to get into something like that while he’s also drunk. But I have been on the cusp because I can get a bit carried away. But I can confirm, no we haven’t done anything more than hang out like friends.”

I smile. I’m about to speak again but my stomach rumbles, interrupting my thought. “Do you want to go out and eat dinner with me to continue talking? I haven’t eaten dinner yet and it’s much better to eat with someone.”

Baekhyun returns the smile and pushes back his cake. “Sure.”


	41. Blog 21

My talk with Baekhyun last night kind of changed how I feel about him. I feel like I can trust him now, like in general and around Chanyeol. Well, mostly. I still have doubts, but I want to believe him. I chose to trust him because he seemed really genuine and I feel like I can connect with him over this situation in some ways. He knows Chanyeol’s ignorance to us both and he knows the feeling of wanting to be around him. I’m sure there’s more, but that’s what I gathered when we sort of touched on it at dinner. But I think he’s wrong. I feel like ninety percent of the time someone who’s being crushed on doesn’t even know it. My example being, Chanyeol completely staring at Baekhyun in his drunken state that night when they were drunk and playing video games together. And from what I’ve learned, there’s only two types of people who don’t lie. Children, and drunk people. There’s absolutely no way he doesn’t like Baekhyun— which sucks for me.

I turn over onto my stomach and lay my head in my arms, I’m tired of thinking of Chanyeol. I think it’s become a habit. No matter what I think of it always leads back to him and how he likes not me—

This blows.

My bedroom door opens without a knock and Chanyeol comes walking in. I lift my head and watch him come toward me and plop himself down on my bed. The mattress bounces and my hip lightly bumps his hand. Because of that, I feel a bit self conscious about my state. I’m only in a sweater and my underwear and his hand being so close to my butt makes me feel like I should pull my shirt down to hide myself. But I don’t because I don’t want to draw any attention to it.

He looks at me with this firm, yet nervous expression. I feel the blanket under me slide as he clenches the blanket. “Baekhyun and I aren’t together. We are not dating. We don’t like each other.”

I can’t help but to just stare at him. This is just so sudden and out of nowhere. “Chanyeol…” I flip onto my back and sit up, criss-crossing my legs. “Baekhyun does like you.”

“We only tripped and landed weird—” He looks at me confused. “Wait, what…?”

“He’s confessed to you.” I know by saying all this I’m ruining my “chances” with Chanyeol. But Baekhyun deserves happiness too and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t try to push him in the right direction.

“What? No? When did he say that?” Chanyeol’s face looks almost offended.

“Uh— He told me he did. But you didn’t seem to get it…” It looks like a lightbulb goes off in his head and his face lights up. “So… You should go solve that maybe as soon as possible...” I don’t want him to actually go now though. I like his presence.

“Uh, yeah. Okay. I should.” Chanyeol gets up and walks to the door, turning back to me before he leaves.

Okay, I know I told him to go. It’s on me that he did. But like, of course he would, and go to Baekhyun. Before he even completed whatever he was trying to tell me.

Whatever. Him convincing me they don’t like each other must not have been too important then.

I hope they’re happy.


	42. Entry 21

Baekhyun said that? Ugh fuck, that confession wasn’t for me it was to me. God, I’m stupid. How the frick did I not notice something like that? God, I really am an oblivious idiot.

I round the corner into the kitchen. Having talked to Baekhyun only minutes before, I know he’s still here.

He’s currently eating a banana and staring at his phone.

“Hey…” I don't know how to stand. I try crossing my arms but that doesn’t feel right so I put them in my pockets instead. I then decide to lean against the wall to add to it. Is this casual? What exactly is the, ‘Hey, I don’t feel the same way,’ stance?

“Hey,” he looks over with a smile and chuckles a bit. “Why are you standing like that?” He points at me with the banana. “You look tense.”

“Oh, um…” I lean off the wall and look around at my body.

“Here,” Baekhyun eats the last bite and lays the peel on the counter. He walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders to relax them.

I lean out of it and catch his hands before they slide down my chest. “Um…” I look down at the floor. “How do I start...?”

“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun cocks his head to look at me.

“I…” I release his hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand you the other day.”

“Hm?”

“You know I like Sehun…”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “Uh, okay. Wow. You know you don't need to say anything, Chanyeol.”

“I’m sorry—”

He places his finger on my lips. “You don’t have to apologize. I told you how I feel knowing you don’t feel the same. I just had to let you know for myself.” He removes his finger. “I appreciate you wanting to talk to me about it. But it really isn’t necessary.”

“Are you okay?”

“Of course. You know I support you in pursuing Sehun, and I have from the beginning.” He gives me a smile. “I know the way things are going now, and it’s okay. I’m fine. Now,” his smile widens and his tone becomes more uppity, “why are you wasting your time talking with me when you need to go back over to Sehun and get him to stop being upset?” He gives me a playful shove toward the hallway with a laugh. “Go!”

I stumble back, a bit hurt, and hold the area he pushed. I feel like it shouldn’t leave yet. Is he really okay?

He gives a downcast smile. “Please… Just go.”

I give him a small nod and hesitate to leave. It doesn’t feel right, but I understand. I’ll have to check in on him again, but for now, I’ll listen and continue what I was doing since he asked.

I knock on Sehun’s door and re-enter. He’s still laying on his bed and sits up to look at me.

“You’re back…?”

“Yeah. Um…” What’s the stance for I know I made a mistake, but let’s watch movies and TV shows together again, please? I walk in a bit more and end up doing that stiff hands in the pocket thing again. “Where exactly do we stand…? Are we still friends?”

He shifts on his bed. “...Of course.”

“Even after you said all that… Stuff?”

“Um— Yeah…” Sehun rubs the back of his neck and averts his gaze.

“Okay—” I try not to smile. Maybe I could work with this? “Do you want to try hanging out again?”

“Uh. Okay— Sure…” Sehun gets up and adjusts his underwear leg then grabs some sweats off his floor. No comment.

He turns to me. While tying the pants strings,

“Um, you go first.”

I assume because I’m closest to the door. “Oh. Right.”

I walk those few feet over to my bedroom and position myself in my usual spot with his laptop. Sehun follows in close behind. He’s about to walk over but I ask him to shut the door first. He does so, but he seems a bit reluctant. Weird because it’s what we usually do.

“Your laptop should be still where we paused. But I turned it off so it wouldn’t waste battery. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it should be fine. I didn’t have anything important open.” Sehun slides himself into the bed but doesn’t sit quite as close as he usually does. I scoot closer until we bump shoulders, as it’s our usual, amazing distance, but he visibly moves away.

“Um. Can you see the screen from that angle…?” The screen lights up to the user screen and Sehun steals the computer from my lap.

“Yeah. You?”

I lean in close to him. My head brushes his shoulder. “Only if I do this.”

He just barely nudges me away. It’s so subtle that I can’t even tell if he actually did or if he was adjusting himself. “That’s fine. It’ll be on the bed anyway.”

“Right…” What’s going on? He’s being really distant with me. I kind of figured that since he said we’re still friends that we were okay. But I guess I’m wrong. “Is something bothering you?”

“No. I’m fine.” He places the device between us and presses play then sits back against the wall.

Him being so far makes me feel even more nervous and even more uncomfortable. This isn’t right. And by the way, by “so far”, I mean like the distance of one person cut in half from their head down. Odd description? Yes. Truth? Also yes. So he’s not t e c h n i c a l l y that far, but it still feels like he’s a mile away.

I get up to turn off the light and come back. It’s sunset out so it’s semi-dark in the room. The best way to watch literally anything. I use the mask of the darkness to try and make a small move on him. I rest my hand next to his and slowly inch my pinky towards him until both of our pinkies are just barely touching, then gently wrap it around his. It’s not even two seconds before he pulls away and puts his hands in his lap. Maybe he thought it was a mistake? I cross my legs and gently bump it into his a few times. I want him to interact with me. I can’t handle this atmosphere. I want him to whine at me or playfully tell me to stop or reciprocate the actions. Maybe even yell at me, or laugh. Anything.

He pulls his knees out of my legs’ reach and into a hug. He rests his head on his arms. No acknowledgement of anything.

I stretch the leg closest to him out and bring my other up. I wrap my hand around the top of my foot and rest my cheek on my knee. It’s harder to see the screen like this but that’s fine. I’d rather look at Sehun anyway. I didn’t think that fall with Baekhyun would upset him like this. He says he likes me, but then why is he ignoring me? I guess I just don’t understand. I’m not sure how I’d feel if I saw him like that with someone else. Okay well, not great. I would be upset. But I don’t think I’d ignore him. I don’t understand the cause for this type of reaction especially when I’ve told him we’re not like that. Well, that I don’t like him… But if the roles were switched, I’d want to be happy around him anyway, or at least I think I would. I would like to think that I'd be able to get past it? Ugh. Maybe I wouldn’t. I ignored him simply because I couldn’t handle my feelings. As if I could actually ignore something like that. But I have learned since then. I would want to talk to him about it.

Sehun looks over to me and I look away. I clear my throat as if I wasn’t doing anything. Hopefully he doesn’t think I was being weird. Granted, I was staring. But I was also thinking really hard to myself.

I rest my forehead on my knee.

Five hours later. We’re about twenty minutes into an episode and he hasn’t said much of anything. His usual commentary is completely gone. I’ve said some things here and there and he only responded short and awkwardly like, “Haha. Yeah.” I want to be able to tell him how I feel, but not like this. Not while he feels like this. I want that moment to feel more happy. Not bland. Maybe He needs time? I’m not really sure what to do. If someone could tell me, that’d be great. Should I wait until he comes to me or does that make things worse?

I yawn and stretch a bit. I’m not really tired, but this is a fairly drab experience.

“I think I’m going to call it a night…” Sehun stretches and begins to close the lid of his computer. This wasn’t the bestest time I’ve ever had, but I don’t want him to leave still.

“You’re going?” I watch him stand up.

“Yeah… I’m feeling a bit tired so…”

“Oh... okay. Goodnight.”

He gives me a short nod and leaves with his things.

Well, this could have been worse. He could have said no to watching Netflix. And I appreciate the time today regardless of his lack of enthusiasm. I really don't know the right decision for this situation. But I do think I should check in on Baekhyun. Hopefully it isn’t too early?

Update soon.


	43. Entry 22

I get up from my bed and enter the hallway. Maybe Baekhyun is in the living room or kitchen?

I take a quick peak around and no ones here. I figure maybe Baekhyun is just in his room. It is fairly late, so I go up there.

I knock lightly on his door. “Baekhyun?” I enter. I don’t see him at first but I hear glass clink and see his head pop up from behind the bed. He’s not actually “behind” the bed, mind you. His bed is on the same wall as the door, so he’s hidden behind it from this perspective.

“Oh… Chanyeol,” he says lazily. He puts a shot glass up to his lips and throws his head back. He returns it to the floor with a wince and groan. Oh boy.

“Baek?” I enter so I can see him directly. “You’re drinking alone?”

“Yeah. It feels nice,” his speech slurs a little.

“Are you okay?” I squat down and right a bottle from laying on its side.

“Mhm,” he hums happily.

I sit down next to him. I take the shot from his hand and pour myself a drink. I swallow it and wince a little from the burning bitterness then set the cup down in front of me.

“Rough night?” He looks at me with half lidded eyes.

“Yes and no...”

“Mm,” he hums in response. I’m not sure he really heard me. He leans his forehead on my shoulder and chuckles a little. I don’t move because I expect this sort of thing from him right now and I don’t mind being a drunk Baekhyun’s pillow, especially when I’m the reason why he’s drinking.

I look down at him as he looks up at me. His eyes linger on me from behind my arm. I wonder what he’s thinking.

He sits up on his knees and his hand lands softly on the floor between my legs. He shifts his weight onto it as he leans toward me, his other rests below my cheek. My hearts racing as he leans in. Why aren’t I moving away? Why aren’t I pushing him off me? Why am I letting this happen?

I tense and hold my breath as I watch his mouth approach mine and I feel myself ease as his lips slowly press against me. His hand resting on the floor slides onto my inner thigh and begins to rub up and down. A sizable exhale escapes my nose and I kiss him back.

This feels wrong. I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m enjoying this. I feel like Sehun is going to walk in on us any moment and everything is going to be over. But Baekhyun is so good at this. Why is he so good at this? Or maybe it’s just been so long. I didn’t know how badly I had been craving this sort of attention. I didn’t feel like I was depraved, but now that this is happening— Fuck, man.

Baekhyun throws one of his legs over me so that he’s sitting above me on his knees. Both of his hands cup my jaw to pull me closer then begin to roam free in my hair. He presses his lips and body harder into me. He sucks on my bottom lip, lightly tugging on it. I hold back a moan.

He begins to slowly kiss his way down to my neck and my body quivers. One of his hands begins to explore up my pant leg. This is where I realize it’s getting too real. This is going too far— This isn’t fair to him, to Sehun, or to me. If I let this continue none of us would be able to forgive each other, including me at myself, and what’s happened so far is questionable.

Baekhyun lightly teases my earlobe with his tongue and lets out a light noise. I secure him on my waist and lift him up then turn around to plop him on the bed behind us. My lips linger on his before I pull away. I take a few steps back and try to catch my breath. I readjust my shorts for obvious reasons and so that obvious reason isn’t so obvious. Him, not so much.

Baekhyun looks at me with confusion and some hurt, seeming to forget all previous context before, well, everything.

“I…” I huff and cover my mouth with the back of my hand and touch the places he gave attention to. I’m embarrassed I let this happen. “We can’t do this. This isn’t right...”

He gazes at me with those tired drunk eyes. I can’t read what he’s thinking, but I know he’s hurt. I feel a bit hurt too. I didn’t mean for this to happen.

“I’m sorry…”

He looks down and I begin to step out of his room. Fuck. Jesus, Chanyeol. You idiot. I feel like punching myself in the gut. I trot down the stairs as fast as I can without slipping. When I get to my door, I look down the hallway and see Sehun watching me. Oh god. I pat down my hair and pull my shirt down and enter my room. I just hope to god he didn’t see any chub.

I couldn’t sleep at all. Everything about this has me on edge.

Currently I’m in the kitchen minding my own business, digging through the fridge for some milk for my cereal. I feel someone poke my lower back which scares me. I smack my head into the shelf above me and back out. My limbs run cold once I see it’s Baekhyun. This feels way too soon.

He looks nervous and isn’t making eye contact with me. “Chanyeol… About last night… Did we…Actually...?”

I swallow.

“I just have to confirm. It doesn’t feel fully real to me…”

I don’t want to answer but I know I have to. I set the half gallon of milk on the counter beside me and scratch my head awkwardly. “Yes… It happened…” I can’t look at him and say this.

“...Did you like it?” Baekhyun looks at me with innocent, curious eyes.

My eyes widen. “Baekhyun—”

“Well…?”

I rub my face irritatedly. “Look. I don’t know what got into me, but please. It’s not like that. It’s just— Been a while…”

“I’m just messing with you.”

“Ugh.” I turn around to the counter and rest my head in my hands. Why is he like this?

He leans in close, “I didn’t think you’d react so easily to me~.”

“Stop harassing me.”

“Okay— I’m only joking around. It was weird for me too. I wasn’t thinking straight. I wouldn’t have done that under any other circumstance… I didn’t even plan on doing that in that one...”

“It was wrong of us, Baek. Of me. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I know.”

“God— I feel guilty. I feel like a bad person.” I bunch my hair

“You’re not. I understand.”

“I led you on.”

“No. No, I know you don’t feel the same. I know it was only a fluke.”

“What if Sehun finds out? He’s already upset over thinking we were making out when we weren’t. And now that it has…”

“He doesn’t have to…?” Baekhyun asks wary.

“It’d feel like I’m lying.”

“But you didn’t technically do anything wrong in regard to you two. You aren’t dating so there shouldn’t be any guilt there.”

I stand up and lean against the counter. My fingers run through my hair again. I’m only just now noticing I do this when stressed. I don't know how to feel about it. “The guilt in me lies with me repeatedly telling him we’re not like that and something like this happens.”

“Okay well,” Baekhyun sounds a tad ticked off but he teasingly sticks his pointer and middle finger in the waistband of my underwear with a smirk. “If things go wrong for you two, I’m around.” He pulls and snaps the clothing against my hip before walking away.

“Baekhyun!” I call at him irritatedly.

“I’m teasing!” He yells back from the stairs.

Tsk. All I wanted was my cereal this morning.

And on a separate yet similar note: I have to talk to Sehun asap and solve things. Again. I can’t let anything else similar to last night happen with Baekhyun again. I have to keep my distance.


	44. Blog 22

Things just keep getting worse.

Something happened between them. I can feel it. Chanyeol coming from upstairs and looking disheveled doesn’t seem like a great sign. The way he adjusted his shirt made it look like he’s hiding something. I’m a guy too, I know what that movement means. And he patted down his hair like he didn’t want me to see it like that. I’ve seen his hair messy before, what makes this time so different? Not to mention, his lips looked pink as if they’d been busy.

But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t bother me. It’s none of my business. They can do what they like. Me? I’m doing what I like. It’s not much, but I’m just at the cafe down the street enjoying some bobba. It’s a bit lonely, but that’s nothing new. It’s still nice though, getting out of the house. It’s so depressing being there. All I do is sleep or watch videos on my laptop. This is a nice change of pace. I can walk around and explore the park nearby and take in the scenery. It’s a pretty day so I should take advantage of that. It also gives those two time to themselves since the other members are always gone doing their own things. Speaking of, what do they even do? Oh well. Doesn’t matter. They're the least of my concerns. This a me day so I should forget everything regarding them, and focus on me.

Sehun, you look fine as hell today.

Why thank you, Sehun. I give myself a little smile because of my own silliness. But it feels nice.

My phone buzzes interrupting that nice moment though. Something tells me it’s Chanyeol.

I lean to the side and grab my phone from my back pocket. Ah, bingo. Chanyeol.

His text reads:

[Channie]: hey, where are you?

Chanyeol, I like you, but why must you always find a way to interrupt and ruin what I’m doing?

[Me]: What do you need?

I envision a sigh before my text.

[Channie]: i was wondering if we could talk again…?

[Me]: Why? What about?

[Channie:]: …

[Channie]: um. nothing. just so we can talk

Okay, I admit that’s kind of cute though.

[Me]: No.

[Channie]: okay okay, i actually do have something but i want to talk in person

[Me]: I’m busy. I’m not heading back to the house for this.

[Channie]: uh, okay. i can wait until you’re not busy

I don’t reply. This is stupid.

[Channie]: um. how long do you think you will be?

I groan.

[Me]: I don’t know. I’m done when I’m done.

I get up from my table to adventure around the park like I set out to do.

[Channie]: okay

A few seconds later.

[Channie]: soo… what are you busy with?

OH MY GOD. LET ME BE. I ignore him again.

I enter the park. About twenty feet away from the entrance is this really beautiful, giant, black fountain with five different basins flowing in unison. There’s a cement pool at the bottom to catch all the water that also acts as a sort of bench. There’s a few couples sitting around it, seeming to have a nice time together. I completely forgot parks are kind of a romantic spot.

[Channie]: are you meeting someone again?

Jesus. So what if I might be? Go away. I’m trying to enjoy myself.

[Channie]: … did you dress up?

Sigh. I begin walking toward the fountain. I’m surprisingly interested in how it looks up close.

The fountain doesn’t have much design going on. There’s just sections of ridges that start at the smallest point and expand to the edge of the bowl in a swirl formation but somehow it’s still a stunning piece. It’s a bit scratched and dented from wear and tear but that’s to be expected.

The pool below is also filled with many coins. I feel like throwing one in and making a wish. I reach into my front pocket and grab out the change from when I bought my drink.

I take one.

I wish to be happy.

I throw it in.

I take another.

I wish for Chanyeol and Baekhyun to be happy as well.

I throw that one in as well.

Chanyeol texts me again.

[Channie]: caaaaan you please come home now?

I think to myself whether or not I should grab my coin back. But I continue on my way down the trail. I see dogs running everywhere. I can’t believe I forgot to take Vivi with me.

My phone starts buzzing. Chanyeol’s calling now. I roll my eyes.

“What?” I say uninterested.

“I’m bored. Can you come home?”

“No.”

“Please? I want to hang out and talk to you.”

What is wrong with this man? “Chanyeol— I said I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Um. Hanging… Out?” I guess it’s not a total lie as I am hanging out with myself.

“Mm. Yeah?” He says unbelieving. “With who?”

“Tch. Look—”

“You’re alone? Right? Come hang with me.”

“Ugh.” I hang up.

He calls back immediately. I press the red button again. He calls back.

I can’t escape this— I really have no choice but to go back home. Next time, I’ll definitely make sure to leave my phone behind.

I enter the house. Chanyeol isn’t waiting for me in the living room, not that he said he would be, but I figured he’d be more ready for my arrival. Well, that’s fine. I’m not really in the mood anyway. I enter my room and plop on the bed and wait for Chanyeol to figure out I’m back now all on his own.


	45. Entry 23

so, pestering sehun like this isn’t something i’ve done in a while. i know he went out today, what for, i have no idea. but what i do know is that i want to talk to him about his being upset at me. i don’t know how it’ll go, but i figured that if i brought it up to him we could have a conversation about it. ya, know, like adults do. not that we have in the past— BUT. hopefully now.

but really, it’s honestly really fun to be annoying him again though. besides him being next to me, it just feels natural.

I roll onto my stomach, holding my pillow under me happily.

[Me]: soo… what are you busy with?

Knowing him, probably actually nothing. Probably just went out on his own like last time. Unless maybe he does have someone this time?

[Me]: are you meeting someone again?

He doesn’t reply. I pout. If he dressed up again, I hope to God he isn’t with someone. It stresses me out just thinking about other people looking at him and liking it.

[Me] …did you dress up?

I turn off the screen and lay my phone down. I sink my chin into the pillow before me as I wait for a response. It feels like I wait an entire milenia, I think about ten minutes? Then text again.

[Me]: caaaaan you please come home now?

My thoughts about it are really getting to me. I want him here where I know no one else is staring and where I can see him whenever I want.

Another minute or two passes without a response so I call him.

“What?” He answers totally and absolutely happy to hear my voice.

“I’m bored. Can you come home?” Half of it is muffled from my chin still seeking into the pillow, but I fix it mid-sentence.

“No,” He deadpans.

“Please? I want to hang out and talk to you.”

“Chanyeol— I said I was busy.” He sounds annoyed with me.

Right. “busy”.

“Doing what?” I say with a smirk.

“Um. Hanging… Out?”

“Mm. Yeah?” I say playing along. “With who?”

“Tch. Look—”

“You’re alone? Right? Come hang with me.” My smile widens. I feel excited for some reason. I woke up in a good mood today and I just want to see Sehun.

“Ugh.” He hangs up. I try to call back immediately because I have no idea if he’s decided to listen to me or not, but he doesn’t even let it ring. So I try once more. Same thing.

I sigh and turn over onto my back, my phone resting on my chest. I guess I’ll have to wait. That won’t be too bad. I could use this time to take a nap maybe.

I close my eyes and lay there. At first it’s just black nothingness then my mind instead begins trying to think of what Sehun’s wearing instead, sparking new, uncalled for energy. Maybe he’s wearing those tight fitting jeans again? If he is, he better be wearing a shirt that hides it all. But at the same time, I want to be able to sneak a peek too.

My thoughts go to other places regarding “sneaking peeks” and I roll back over onto my stomach to stop other things from peeking. Baekhyun’s sparked dirty thoughts within me about Sehun that I’ve never had before. Up until this point Sehun’s been nothing but adorable, but now I’m picturing him doing things and saying things and— UGH. BAEKHYUN. Why did you wake this a t h i n g?

I hear the front door shut and my head perks up. Sehun? Did he listen to me? I hear his bedroom door close and a surge of happiness flows through my body. I pop off the bed and excitedly knock on his door then enter.

I was absolutely right about the pants thing. He’s laying on his stomach with his feet in the air, propped on his elbows staring at his phone, almost like I was earlier. His shirt is riding up his back so I can see a perfect contour of his everything. I’m not sure if I got lucky in the shirt department though. He’s wearing a sling sleeve plain white crew neck sweater, which is admittedly long enough to cover his butt, but it also sinches at the waist so I’m not sure. I guess the universe just wanted to compromise?

His head turns toward me and he shuts off his phone screen. “What did you want to talk about?” He sounds tired and he rubs his eyes.

“Uh, I just wanted to ask you if you’re mad at me… I was hoping we could talk about that,” I say as non confrontational as I can.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Then…?”

“Then what? I’m not upset with you.”

Sehun stands and pulls up the hem of his shirt under his chin and undoes his button and fly. His bulge pops out through the new opening and I feel my face get hot and swallow hard. “W-What are you doing?”

“It’s warm so I need to change. Can you leave?” He looks up at me casually as if he’s doing nothing weird or wrong.

I nod and hurry out of there. Do I go back to my room? Do I stand here and wait? “Um, Sehun…?”

“What?” He calls back. He lets out a moan of force. I assume his pants may be stuck which makes me chuckle a little.

“Um, do I wait here or…?

“No. Go back to your room.”

“Oh? But we haven’t—”

“We have,” there’s another groan. “I said I wasn’t mad. The conversations over.”

I roll my eyes. Exactly why he’s said many times before when he “wasn’t upset.”

I walk back to my room anyway though and sit on the bed. I figure I’ll give him a few minutes. I can’t stand there and overhear his struggles anymore. I give him about fifteen more minutes before I shoot him a text again.

[Me]: you done?

[Sehunnie]: Yeah?

[Me]: can we please talk?

[Sehunnie]: But I already told you I’m fine

[Me]: but you haven’t let me talk. don’t you want to at least know why i would think so?

[Sehunnie]: No?

I groan. Why does upset Sehun have to act like this?

[Me]: please?

[Sehunnie]: Are you in the living room?

I perk up and rush out there immediately. I stop by the coffee table.

[Me]: no

It takes a moment, but Sehun opens his bedroom door and the moment he sees me he begins to close it again. I rush over and stop it and enter after him.

[Sehninne]: Dont follow me!

He darts out of his room.

[Me]: are you kidding?? you’re texting me this??

I exit as well.

[Sehunnie]: I don’t want to talk

I stop him in front of the kitchen and turn him toward me.

[Me]: you can’t do this. you have to listen to me

[Sehunnie]: If I can’t decline a subject, then you can’t decline my not wanting to!

Sehun sticks out his tongue.

[Me]: that barely makes sense!

I shoot him a small glare.

[Sehunnie]: It does too!

He glares back.

[Me]: ugh. just let me speak!

[Sehunnie]: No!

[Me]: and don’t say no!

We both glance at each other when our texts send at the same time. I crack a smile and so does he. We both begin to laugh at the ridiculousness, and in that moment, things feel normal again. They feel right.

“Can you please listen to me now?” I say with a small smile.

“...Nah.” He says slowly.

I feel frustration rise. “If you don’t hear me out I’m going to…” I have no idea what I’ll do. I have no plans. I don’t even know if this stupid threat will even work. It shouldn’t even have to come to this to be honest. But it’s kind of funny though. I look around and spot the alcohol on top of the fridge. “... I’ll drink this entire brand new bottle of fireball whiskey.” I walk into the kitchen and grab it.

Sehun peeks in and slowly follows behind.

I show him the bottle in my hands with a sly look. God, I hope he doesn’t make me chug this.

He stands there and leans on the counter next to him, watching me. Almost asking me to go right ahead.

“I’m going to,” I repeat.

He gestures to me to go ahead and crosses his arms expectantly.

Well, now that he thinks I won’t, I want to. Bottoms up. I crack the seal and lay the lid on the table before me and start chugging away. I cringe. Sehun is watching me uninterested. It’s like he’s saying, “Well, if you want to be stupid, you can be.” And I do.

I begin losing my balance since having your head all the way back is fairly disorienting so I stabilize myself against the table. I already knew doing this was going to suck, but actually doing it sucks that much worse. It physically hurts to chug this. It burns so fucking much. I haven’t had this flavor in a while so I forgot just how much it burns. Had I remembered, I would have picked something different.

I lower the bottle to catch my breath. I breathe in and it’s ruined by the feeling of hot air entering and sparking a worse burning feeling. I begin to cough which hurts my throat even further. Goddamn, everything is on fire.

I pound my chest a little to try and get some air in. Once I do, I take the bottle in my hand again. I only drank just a little ways past the neck. I take a deep breath and let out a burp followed by a sigh. My hand rests on my hip and I take another deep breath before beginning my awful journey once again.

“Okay, you can stop now…” Sehun says warily and unravels his arms.

I keep going though.

“Chanyeol…” He approaches me and tries to take the bottle but I turn my body the other way.

“Hey! You can stop now!” He tries to swipe the bottle again but I back up. My butt bumps into the counter though which makes the move less effective because Sehun corners me and is able to take it from me. I lift the neck of my shirt above my face so I don’t begin coughing in his.

I hear the clink of the bottle being sent down next to me.

“You drank half a bottle of that stuff…” Sehun finally says something with some concern, but I feel too dizzy and fuzzy to say anything to him.

I finally stop coughing and fix my shirt. I can’t help but to breathe through my mouth because if it’s closed my tongue burns that much more even though the warm air of when I breathe out sets even more flames on my tongue. A new thing I’m noticing though is that when I breathe in, my top lip feels the burning pain too.

Sehun watches me. He’s really close to me and his hands are resting on the counter behind me, blocking me in. He looks really good right now. We were too busy fighting earlier for me to realize how cute he looks in this gray turtleneck sweater. I feel like cupping his cheek and gently kissing him. I begin to raise my hand but in my peripheral I notice Baekhyun watching from the corner of the kitchen. It honestly kind of spooks me a little because it feels like getting caught by a parent while you’re with your partner in the living room. It feels a bit awkward that way.

Sehun turns away from me. “Ah—” He takes a few steps back.

“You guys don’t need to stop on account of me. Please, continue. I’ll just be grabbing a drink from the fridge. Don’t mind me.” He steps between us to the fridge.

There’s rummaging for a good minute. Sehun watches him with with this sad look in his eyes. He then turns to me bashfully and slowly steps out of the room with a small wave.

Baekhyun takes a long drink from his water bottle having finally found it, and turns to the room. “Where’d Sehun go?” He looks at me with confusion.

I point toward the hallway. I feel like I’m gonna puke.

“Hey, you okay?” He comes over to me. “Fireball? You guys drinking?” He looks up at me with a cocked eyebrow.

I shake my head and rub my face. The nausea I’m feeling right now is incapacitating. I feel like I can’t move, because if I do, I’m gonna blow chunks.

“You drank all of this by yourself?”

I nod and let out a pained burp.

Baekhyun grabs the cap and screws it back on the bottle. “Here,” he wraps his arm around my waist and my arm around his shoulder. “I’ll take you to your room.”

I thoughtlessly accept his offer and take one step before my stomach swishes and causes an uproar of acid into my throat. I turn around as quickly as I can throw up into the empty half of the sink. Luckily, it’s the side with a garbage disposal. I haven’t eaten much today so the only thing that comes up is bile and fireball. Tastes great.

I start running the faucet to wash it all down the sink and wash out my mouth. Baekhyun begins patting and rubbing my back to comfort me. I’m not sure it’s necessary since everything in the sink is liquid, but I run the garbage disposal anyway just in case. Then I wash out my mouth once more.

“Do you mind if I ask you why exactly?”

I don’t answer because my mouth is busy.

“It was a Sehun thing, wasn’t it?” He says as more of a question for himself than for me.

I swish one last mouthful of water and spit it back out. I turn off the sink and wipe the water from my lips with the back of my hand then onto my sweatshirt.

“You feel better?”

I nod. Now I just feel drowsy.

Baekhyun takes me into his arms again. I feel too out of it to rebel. He helps me to my bedroom and lays me down on my bed. At this point it feels like I could fall asleep at any second.

He pulls the covers from underneath me and drapes them onto my body. He giggles a little bit as he gazes down on me but I don’t really care, I just want to sleep.

Baekhyun gently thumbs my top lip with this endearing look on his face. “...Your lip is red from the suction of the bottle... There’s a faint ring,” He says softly.

Fuck. Why couldn’t it have been Sehun that pulled that move? I gave me tingles. I can’t tell if it’s because of the alcohol or just because I like the attention.

I turn onto my opposite side to disengage with Baekhyun. I know I can’t have another one of those interactions, no matter how tempting. Especially like this, when my want for it is even greater.

“Sleep well.” Baekhyun’s weight lifts off my bed and I hear him exit my room. For some reason it leaves me feeling oddly guilty. I don’t want him to feel bad and it makes me feel bad that he feels bad. It makes me want to do what he wants so he can be happy, but I know I can’t do that.

Instead of deciding to dwell on it any further, I go to sleep.

When I wake up, I feel disoriented and my head feels like a tornado. I sit up and pause, staring at the wall until the dizziness slowly dissipates. I slowly slide off my bed and stretch out. I stumble a little on my first step but I correct myself right away and wipe the sleep from my face.

I really have to take a leak. So I lazily drag myself over to the bathroom and open the door. It takes me a moment to realize the lights are already on and that I’m squinting and that everything has been dark up until this point. What time is it? How long did I sleep for?

Once my eyes finally focus, I’m taken aback by Baekhyun’s naked body. It looks like he's just exited the shower and is in the process of drying off. He looks at me with surprise but doesn’t go to cover anything up. I shut the door and stumble back, bumping into the wall behind me. I cover my face with my hands in disbelief. That shit woke me right the fuck up. Why didn’t he lock the door? Of course it’d be me who’s stupid enough to walk in on that.

Baekhyun pokes his head back out. “You know if you wanted to see, you could have just asked,” he laughs.

I frown and roll my eyes. He chuckles once more. “I’ll be out in a second.” He closes the door again.

He comes out a minute or two later with his dirty clothes in hand. “How was your sleep?”

“Um. It was alright.” I can’t help but feel weird.

“Yeah? Must’ve been, you slept for like nine hours.” Baekhyun ruffles his hair.

Nine hours? It’s like ten now? Damn. “Oh—”

“Haha. Okay, I’ll let you do what you came to do.” Baekhyun playfully hip checks me and heads upstairs.

After I get done going to the restroom I decide to see what Sehun’s up to things from earlier didn’t have a real conclusion.

I knock on his door across from the bathroom. There’s no answer so I figure he’s maybe asleep, but I decide to crack open his door and peek in to make sure.

He’s sitting on his bed against the wall with his head resting on his knees and his arms holding his legs. I hear sniffles and my heart sinks.

I enter with concern and shut the door behind me. I head toward him with light steps. Seeing him like this makes me want to be as gentle as I can. Any wrong moves and I feel like I’ll break him. “Sehun…?” I kick something laying on the floor as I approach him. I go to right my mistake and find it to be a finished bottle of the Fireball whiskey from earlier, laying next to a barely drank bottle of tequila. Is drinking when sad just a staple of this household?

I gently sit on the bed next to him. He doesn't respond in any way to it, no glance, head turn, no sigh.

“Sehun? Are you okay?” I criss-cross my legs and scoot closer to him until my knee is against the wall and my ankle is just barely touching his foot. I rest my hand on his shoulder. I hope he’s okay. Based on personal experience of course, Fireball is a really bad idea.

Sehun takes in a shaky breath and rests his hand on mine with a sniffle. He squeezes it and brings it to his damp cheek. “...Why do you have to choose him?” he says tired and defeated then looks at me. His already would be pink face from his crying, is deepened in color by the alcohol. His eyelashes are darker from the wetness, making their own mascara and the redness across the apples of his cheeks to the bridge of his nose, all the down to the tip, make an adorable natural blush. It’s breathtaking. He’s so beautiful and he doesn’t even know it.

He releases my hand. He looks down and steals my classic “hand through the hair” move but adds a small lip bite. His front teeth despondently come down onto the bottom lip as the top tenderly envelops the other. Once his teeth release, I watch his lip bounce back and the teeth marks fade, returning to their natural color. I want to kiss him.

“Why does he get you?” He sniffles. I go to reply but he continues before I can. “You guys are like, really cute together though.” He looks at me with his shiny, big brown eyes. “Is it because he can do something I can’t? Is it because he’s hotter than me? Cuter than me? Better at sex than me?” More tears stream down his cheeks.

I’m completely taken aback. This has taken a turn I didn’t ever expect. Sehun’s really worried about… Sex?

“Is he bolder than me? More ambitious? Adventurous? I can be those things too, Chanyeol.” He wipes his face and comes toward me with a determined look.

Uhm—? What??

His hand lands on my shoulder and pushes me back onto the bed with half lidded eyes. Is this really happening again, but with Sehun? I feel even more frozen with him than I did with Baekhyun. My heart is pounding as he straddles me. I’m so unbelievably nervous. This shouldn’t be happening. He’s not in the right headspace.

He begins to lean down. I feel my armpits perspiring as his face becomes so close to mine. I watch his eyes close, it’s really tempting to just go along with it. But, just before he makes contact, I place the back of my hand against my lips and he presses his against the middle of my hand. I feel his lips slowly close then relax. It tickles a little bit but melts me. I can’t tell if it’s from the intoxication, but he feels inexperienced and it’s adorable. I love it.

It’s only a few seconds longer before he realizes it isn’t lips he’s made contact with and lifts his head. My hand continues to tingle where he kissed. He looks down at me, his hands resting on my chest, with an array of emotions on his face. Sadness, hurt, confusion, embarrassment. Tears begin to stream down his face. It scrunches and he brings his hands up to cover it. He sniffles and stutters a breath.

I sit up. He sides onto my thighs. “So, you’ll make out with him but not with me?”

“But we didn’t—”

“Don’t pretend, Chanyeol.” Sehun drunkenly puts his finger on my mouth. “I saw you returning to your room. Hair all messy, shirt awkwardly pulled below the crotch. I’m not a child, I know what that means.” He gently tugs on my bottom lip with the pad of his thumb as more tears swell up in his eyes.

I pull him into a hug. I have to tell him tomorrow no matter what how I feel. No exceptions. Even if he’s mad and ignoring me. I just have to.

“You need some rest,” I say softly. He nods against my shoulder.

I release him and he sniffs again. I shift him off me and make him lay on his pillow.

“You want your blankets?” He shakes his head no and lays his side facing the wall.

I wait for a moment before I actually decide to leave the room.

I walk back into my room and sit on my bed. I dunno what exactly to do since i’m

not tired. I reach for my phone on the nightstand to check the time and the date catches me off guard.

Tomorrow’s the end of the month.


	46. Blog 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the end! i hope you enjoyed reading! This story isn't perfect by any means, but I hope you enjoyed the journey <3

I just woke up and my head hurts like fuck. I’m laying here in agony as I try to gather any semblance of thought. I feel fairly lost and confused about where I am and what’s going on. My head is spinning and it’s really deterring me from actually trying to figure anything out. But I rub my face with a groan and sit up anyway. My head begins to pound even more, begging me to lay back down. I look around. I’m in my room. I don’t know why I’d be anywhere else. It also seems to be dark outside, did I sleep all day?

I yawn and cover my mouth with the back of my hand. The sleeve of my sweater brushes my neck. I’m still in last night's clothes. I spot an empty bottle of fireball on my nightstand and my mind finally catches up with me.

“Ugh, oh god…” I put my head in my hands. I tried to force myself onto Chanyeol. My god. I pound my fist on my forehead a little. I’m such an idiot. Fuck. I don't know if I should be happy or upset. He still denied me, but at the same time, he didn’t let me do something stupid. And god, was that stupid. Just seeing Baekhyun enter, I couldn’t shake the imagery of them d o i n g it together which then added more depressing thoughts to my already long list. I’m not much of a drinker, but damn did I need one last night. It made me feel the smallest bit better, but now I just feel even worse.

There’s a knock on my door. It quietly opens and Chanyeol pops his head in. “Oh, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” He walks over and takes a seat next to me on the bed. He’s oddly composed after what happened. I would’ve thought maybe things would be a bit awkward. But I guess it makes sense he doesn’t seem affected by it. By me.

“Chanyeol, I’m so sorry about last night,” I say fairly distressed.

He gives me a comforting smile. “It’s alright.”

“No— It’s not. I came onto you and I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s really alright,” he says hurriedly to assure me.

It’s silent for a moment. Only the light sound of our breathing and the slight creeks of the bed as we shift around. I don’t know how to persist how sorry I am with a response like that.

“Sehun I—”

“Chanyeol—”

We gaze at each other. Chanyeol’s face is a slight pink color, it makes me curious as to what he’s thinking.

“You go first,” I say with an uneasy smile.

“N-No you— Mine wasn’t exactly anything…”

“Um, I was only going to ask to watch something with you again…” I laugh tensely as I pick at my sweater.

“Really...?” Chanyeol's face seems to light up.

“Y-Yeah—” It’s really cute.

I ask because at this point, if I can’t have him, I might as well just go back to being his friend. I honestly really miss us. I don’t want to be so irritable toward him, especially after what I did. He doesn’t deserve it. I need to be happy for him. I need my friend back.

“I was going to ask you the same thing—” He swallows hard. It seems odd.

“Well, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to force you.”

“Nono! I want to.” He smiles.

“Okay,” I cast a downward smile.

“Grab your laptop and let's go.” He slides off the bed and heads over to his room without another look. I think he’s maybe avoiding something with how quick he seems to be moving. Maybe he actually is awkward about last night?

I reach below me and unplug my computer. I think about telling him I want food first, but I honestly I'm not very hungry right now. I feel a bit too dizzy from my headache to want to eat.

The moment I stand, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I hunch down to help with the sloshing inside and take cautious steps and slow, deep breaths so as not to disturb my stomach. Each step feels heavier and heavier. Each more difficult than the other. My technique works until it doesn’t anymore. I get halfway between our rooms and feel sicky. I decide to take a break and lay down on the carpet.

Presumably, Chanyeol’s shadow blocks the light coming into the hallway from his bedroom. “Hey— What happened?” He stifles a laugh. “Why are you on the floor?”

“I don’t want to throw up,” I groan.

“Oh…” He walks over. “Here, I’ll help you into the bathroom.” His hand extends toward me to grab.

“No, no.” I roll away from him. It makes things worse. I shouldn’t have rolled onto my stomach. If I thought about that plan longer than three seconds, I would have been able to conclude that maybe rolling would stir things up a bit.

“C’mon, you need to throw up if you want to feel better.”

“I refuse to let that happen. Acid will not be leaving my throat if I can help it,” I mumble into the wall. I feel my stomach churn. I want to die.

Chanyeol sighs. “Okay fine. I’ll do you a favor and let you suffer,” he says jokingly. I can hear the head shake in his tone though. “Let’s get up.”

“Wait— Chanyeol, I’m scared.” I haven’t thrown up in years. The mere thought of having acid shoot up through my throat again is absolutely abhorrent and fear inducing. And u g h. The t a s t e. The sour bitterness— and that acidic sting in the back of your throat. I’d rather lay here on the floor for the rest of my days than barf ever again.

I turn my head toward him in concern for my well being. The new cheek I’m resting on squishes against the carpeting, making an awful prickling sensation on my face. My left eye is about a fourth obscured by skin and fat now. He best not make me do this.

He smiles at me and tongues his now more noticeably colored cheek. He looks down at his feet with a head shake and glances back at me through the bangs of his hair. I have no idea what any of these movements mean but seems caught off guard? He lets out a small chuckle to himself and kneels next to me. “You’ll be alright,” he says in a playful tone.

I frown.

Chanyeol wraps his arm around mine and pulls me up. I’m unwilling of course, so I don’t go to stand on my feet immediately. I instead decide to rag doll in his grip. But it turns out, rag dolling in someone’s arms to your knees swishes your stomach acid a little, so I’m about to throw up right then and there.

“Okay, wait wait wait—” I put my hand up to pause him. I need to take a moment here. I take in steady deep breaths for a bit. Surprisingly, this works a little. There have been times it makes it worse, but luckily this isn’t one of them. “Okay…” I’m ready to have him help me again. I didn’t intend for this to be such an ordeal.

He hoists me up once again. I’m finally standing upright and I've never felt more sick. I hope this passes soon, because I want to crawl into a cave and never return to modern society right now.

“You good to move on your own now?” Chanyeol asks as he reaches down for my laptop, a full on ass shot just right there. The temptation to grab is strong, but I resist and stick to staring. And who knows? Maybe if I moved even one muscle there, I would have blown chunks right onto him. I basically just saved his life with one decision. I basically just sacrificed my happiness for my health and his well being.

“I think so…” I reply.

With the laptop in his hands, I continue my baby steps on my way to his room. I’m extra, e x t r a, careful this time. Chanyeol’s walking behind me and I can hear his FAILED attempts at not laughing at me.

“Bro, stop that. This is a serious matter,” I say way too straight faced. The sincerity in my voice cracks me up a bit and I smile.

“Sorry! Sorry!” He chuckles. “It’s just— Can you walk any slower?” He remarks.

“Oh, you mean like this?” I raise the next foot into the air as slow as possible.

Chanyeol giggles. “Okay, okay, I understand.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is my pain and suffering too much for you?” I laugh. “If it’s that bad, you can go around me. You don’t have to stay behind.”

“No, it’s okay. I like it back here,” he says with some sort of warmth in his voice. It heats up my face and I feel a tingle in my stomach. The tingling would feel fine if I wasn’t already feeling bad, so it just makes things that much harder for me.

The wall ends here and so does my stabilization. All that’s left beyond now are the stairs to my right and Chanyeol’s bedroom diagonally to my left. I prepare myself for this step, I try to conjure up enough energy within me to harness this moment and seize this empty space on the floor with my foot.

And I fail.

I step wrong and begin to fall. Lucky for me, Chanyeol’s here still and not off in his bedroom like I said he could be. He catches me before my impending doom and disturbs my stomach even more. He catches me by wrapping his arm around my hip. It sends electricity through my body and makes me feel a bit weak. I want him to touch me like this all the time.

“You okay?” He steps to the side and looks down at me. The transition in his position makes him gingerly slide his hand across my stomach. The feeling tickles in a good way and is oddly soothing.

“Mhm…” I hum in confirmation.

“I’ll help you…” His sentence trails off as his focus is transitioned to him putting my arm around his shoulders. He hands me my laptop and bends down a little, scooping me up into his arms with a slight groan. I feel embarrassed. Something about making him have to carry me ten feet to his room makes me feel bad, but at the same time I love it. I hide my face in the crook of his neck for the few seconds it takes for him to take into his bedroom.

He gingerly sets me down on his bed and sits with his legs crisscrossed next to me. I go to hide my tomato face in my shirt.

“What are you doing?” He laughs. He slides his finger into the neck of my shirt and pulls down so he can see some of my face.

“Nothing— I just smell really nice—” I lie. I don’t smell neither good nor bad. There’s a slight stench of sweat on me, but there’s also the faint smell of deodorant as well, so they kind of cancel each other out.

Chanyeol leans in and sniffs my neck. “Yeah, not bad.” He laughs and gently pinches the tip of my ear.

Now I just feel stupid. He knows. My stupid ears get really red so they’re totally giving me away. I always forget the ears. And he totally smelled my disgusting sweat stench. I know it said it wasn’t that bad, but maybe it’s worse for him because it’s not his smell? Ugh. I let go of my turtleneck.

“Sehun… Can I say some—”

“Let’s just watch—” I look at him. “Oops, I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“Oh— nothing. I was going to suggest the same thing.” He looks down and picks at an open area on the bed next to his foot..

“You sure?” I feel really domestic after he carried me and touched the tip of my ear, so I cock my head and move his hair out of the way so I can see his face. It feels kind of cute to do?

“Yeah, that was all.” His eyes look up at me then removes my hand from his hair. Not in a repulsed kind of way. It was slow and our hands lingered together. I didn’t want him to let go so I hesitated pulling my hand away.

He leans himself up against the wall, stretching his legs across the bed. His ankles dangle off and I find it endearing that he can’t fit on his own bed. Granted, it’s not the direction that matters, but he almost can, so it’s funny to me. “I’m ready.”

I turn to the device on my lap and set everything up. I ask him if he remembers the episode we were on and click on it. Once it starts, I set it between us and sit back. His attention is pulled by the screen almost immediately, me on the other hand, can’t help but to look at him in my peripheral. He’s currently chewing his thumb nail as he watches. Something about it is really cute to watch, he isn’t aggressive about it and once he tries to bite down, he closes his eye as he strains his teeth on it. It’s somehow really distracting even though it technically isn’t that interesting, much less engaging.

I feel a wave of dizziness hit me. I felt fine just leaning against the wall, but I think all the bright flashing colors are making me nauseous. I decide it’s best I lay down. A bed is much better than a floor so I assume it’ll be more effective. But one problem, there’s not enough room for me to. Chanyeol wouldn’t mind if I used him as a pillow, would he? I turn my legs to the head of the bed and scoot down. I keep my legs folded up so I'm not putting my feet all over his pillow. I lay back onto his lap and look up at him. I hope deep within my core he doesn’t mind me doing this. I want to continue being cute with him and it’s not my fault I feel better when I'm not upright.

He lowers the hand in his mouth to his side and gazes down at me. “How’s your stomach?” He removes the other hand from under my back and rests it on my stomach. It’s a weird feeling having this pressure and warmth from his body on me. But I like it. It’s giving me tingles.

“It’s calmed down a bit,” I say softly. He looks so breathtaking from this angle for some reason. I’m just blown away. And he feels so close, I want him to lean down and kiss me. It’d be so romantic. I feel like it would be a moment that would send fireworks soaring through the air. Like, literal sparks flying.

“That’s good. Tell me if it starts acting up again so we can get you to the toilet, okay?” His tone is so soft and caring.

I nod. I turn my head toward the laptop to watch. I wasn’t paying attention at all so I have no idea what’s going on right now.

I feel Chanyeol’s hand lift off me and rest on my neck. His middle finger is just under my earlobe and his pinkie and ring finger rest on my jawline. It tickles a lot just having them there. I try not to scrunch my neck though, because in all honesty, I like the attention.

He begins to mess with my earlobe by flipping it up and down with this forefinger, assumably mindlessly as it's happening in a sort of rhythm.

I find it soothing. His middle and pointer fingers oscillate their way down behind my jaw to the crook of my neck then back up behind my ear. It makes my body tingle. I really like it. Though, it’s a bit arousing. I feel I should probably tell him to stop because of that, but I don’t want him to.

I turn onto my side in hopes I can cancel out some of the sensitivity on my neck and that the pressure from my legs being closed prevents some blood flow. I slide my lower arm under Chanyeol’s thigh like it’s a pillow and rest my other below his knee.

I think because I moved, his stroking on my neck ceases.

His hand instead worms it’s way under my arm and rests in front of me in the middle of my diaphragm. I freeze a little. I feel like if I take in too deep a breath it'll bother his hand and he'll move it. I don't know why I'm applying cat rules to his hand, but it makes me feel self conscious.

We sit like this for a few minutes. Well, I endure my self awkwardness like this. I want to break the silence and say something. I think maybe I could ask him to stroke my neck again, but that feels wrong of me to do knowing the impact of what that does. But honestly, It feels like my body is missing a sort of stimulation. Not like that— but in the sense where maybe you’re messing with something in your hands and when you stop it feels like you’re suddenly empty or missing something. Anything apart from that would work too though. But I have to admit, since that one already happened, I'd like that sensation again.

As I think about this, I suddenly remember Baekhyun. Right. They're like a thing. Now that I think about it, is me laying on Chanyeol wrong? And wanting physical attention from him? Maybe from his end all of this is just friends being friends. But to me it’s just so— Intimate? I don’t really know what to count whatever Chanyeol and I are doing currently, but would this be cheating? Just based on how I alone feel, it’s wrong, right? Should I sit up? It’s wrong even if he doesn’t view it the same, right? It’s all about intention?

I squeeze my arms around his leg. I don’t want to let go though. Fuck me, man. Why do I always have to be torn over something?

“Hey, you okay? Your stomach acting up?” I see him lean over me in my peripheral. I feel his hand lightly press into me as if he’s trying to turn me to look at him without being too rough. I look up at him and our noses brush past each other to which he moves back a little.

“N-No. I’m okay.” I turn back to the screen. “Sorry, I was just trying to get comfortable.” I close my eyes and cringe, because squeezing someone’s thigh totally means “getting comfortable.”

“Okay,” he says and lets out extra air behind it as he leans back into his normal position. For some reason, it makes that one word feel that much warmer and like he said a million more. His hand slips out under mine and lands on my head. He pets me a few times and softly tugs on the tip of my ear again. I don’t know what’s come over him. Why is he being so touchy? I would ask, but I’m too scared he’d stop if I do.

His actions are making me really nervous and really confused. One second he’s fooling around with Baekhyun and then the next he’s messing with me. I draw circles on the side of his calf and I think it over. I don’t understand what’s going on. But I’m okay with indulging in this moment. Who knows when or if it’ll ever happen again. I surely won’t be the one to tell Baekhyun.

Chanyeol lets out a giggle. “That really tickles.” His voice is low in volume and full of joy, it’s almost as if there were anyone else in this room, he’d only want me to hear his voice. “Why are you tickling my leg?” He says basically in my ear in that same low voice. It runs chills down my spine. It’s like smooth, silky velvet. It should be outlawed, or at least outlawed from anyone but me hearing it over, and over again.

I ignore his question in hopes that he’ll say something the same way again.

“Aha—Um...” an awkward laugh leaves Chanyeol’s throat. “I think— I need you to stop, please.”

I glance up at him and back to the screen. “Oh? Why? What if I don’t?” I tease and move my finger slower and wider.

“I-It’s just because it’s, you know, it’s a sensitive spot…”

“O-Oh—” I feel my face catch fire as I move my hand off him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t— like— I don’t mean to get you—” I cut myself off. I can’t bring myself to say it.

“It’s all good,” he chuckles so friendly-like.

I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable. Do I sit up n o w? I can’t believe that happened. What do I do from here? I’m just so embarrassed. He’s so cool for being so calm about this.

After a few seconds of me bathing in the second wave of unease I feel, I sit up. Immediately I feel nauseous again from sitting up too quickly and my stomach feels like death. I take deep breaths through my nose to put the icky feeling more at bay.

“You okay? Why you sittin’ up?” Chanyeol readjusts himself on the bed. He brings his legs in under him and pivots himself slightly in my direction.

“Sorry—” I take a breath in. “I didn’t know what to do,” I laugh nervously.

“Do you feel bad again?” The way he leans toward me with worry makes my stomach flutter. Which ultimately doesn’t help me at all. “I’m gonna get you water.” He slides off the bed.

“No, I know your dirty tricks. You’re gonna give this water to make me throw up.”

“Sehun,” He whines shortly at me. “You need fluids in you. You’re dehydrated and you need to drink water to flush out the rest of the alcohol in you. It will make you feel better. If anything, I should force you to eat something."

I frown and pout.

“There’s no real guarantee you’ll throw up,” he reassures.

I roll my eyes. “Fine…” I say querulously. I pause the show and slide off the bed. I’ll head out there with him. A break couldn’t hurt.

He lands his arm around my shoulders. I look at him with confusion.

“I don’t want you falling over again,” he smiles.

We begin to walk out of the room. Every second step he takes, his hip bumps into mine. I could have told him myself that this wasn’t an effective way to walk. But I didn’t, because I‘m a slut for him touching me even in the most minimal fashion and my hubris would rather let me suffer than have it any other way, so here we are. Here I am. Dealing with my stomach acid being jostled around with each and every step because he fills me with so much euphoria every time he does anything.

We continue forward. Coincidentally, the step we take right in front of the bathroom is the one where my stomach decides it’s time. I feel the bile swell in my stomach. I pause to see if I can calm it back down, but it isn’t working. I feel shaky. I really don't want to throw up. It’s a terrible and draining feeling.

Chanyeol looks at me with concern and I feel his hand tighten on my shoulder.

“Chan—” I can’t hold it down anymore. I cover my mouth and bust through the bathroom door. I fall to my knees at the toilet and release everything in a gut wrenching cough. Chanyeol comes in after and stands behind me. He pulls my bangs out of my face even though my hair isn’t long enough to get in the way.

My body’s trembling and feels empty.

I gag a few times but nothing happens. I think I’m done after seemingly spilling my guts in that one awful session, but in yet another gag, even more bitter, sour substance courses it’s way up through my throat and out my mouth.

Chanyeol gently pets my head for comfort. His hand being there calms me down enough to where I can stop myself from freaking out and can control my breathing again. Once I feel like I’m done and safe from more vomit exploding out of my face, I wipe the remaining droop of saliva falling from my mouth and sit down at the foot of the toilet. I rest my arm on the seat before me then rest my forehead on the back of my hand. I feel like all my energy just vaporized into thin air with just two gut wrenching retches.

“How are you feeling?” Chanyeol squats down next to me, his hand falls to the middle of my back and rubs a little.

I turn my head slightly and give him a lazy smile. “Weak,” I laugh.

“But better?”

“Yeah,” I nod and turn my head back.

“That’s good. I’m gonna go get you some water now.” Chanyeol stands back up and steps over my legs as he exits the room.

He returns with a glass of water and squats back down. “Here you go.” He rests it next to me on the seat for me to grab.

I raise my head and take it from him. I chug it down until there’s about half a glass left then lower it to catch my breath. I go back to finish it off and gasp for air. I didn’t realize how thirsty I actually was until he gave me this. After it’s gone, I lay my head back down and rest the cup on the floor. The water helped with the awful taste in my mouth some, but now it just feels dry and bitter rather than dry and sour. The dry part is a detail I only just now noticed.

“Do you want me to help you up?”

I nod. I don’t have the energy to attempt to get up any time soon. My body feels like spaghetti, so I’m glad he’s here to speed up the process.

“Okay…” He says ready. He gets up and takes my hand. He attempts to pull me up, but I’m in rag doll mode again right now. “Okay—” He laughs, “You’re gonna have to help me out a little.” He lets go of my arm and comes up behind me. He wraps his arms around my waist and begins to lift me up. He has me up high enough to where I could take it from here, but I’m just so entertained by this that I just refuse to touch the floor.

“Can you stand now?” He laughs, knowing full on well what I’m doing.

I chuckle a little and lean my head back over his shoulder, forcing all my dead weight onto him.

“Sehun!” He laughs and stumbles a few steps back. He turns me to the sink and plops me down. “Here…” He says with a slight pant from exerting himself by holding all my weight.

“Hm? I didn’t get any throw up on my hands.” I look at him a bit confused through the mirror.

“Maybe, but everyone’s ass has touched the toilet seat.”

I pout. “But what if my hands get dry?” He's not wrong. I should wash my hands because of that. But, I wonder how much I can push his buttons.

“Then your hands are dry a n d clean.” Chanyeol leans past me and turns on the water.

“Y e a h, b u t, they’d be scratchy and scaly.” I turn the water off.

“B u t, they’d be clean. And you can put on lotion afterwards so your hands can be baby soft again.” He turns the water back on.

“Okay but, lotion is greasy. And my hands were never baby soft.” I turn the water back off.

“Sehun—” Chanyeol sighs. “Stop being a goober,” he chuckles. “Here, I’ll wash mine with you.” He leans forward, pressing against me so he can reach around. He rests his chin atop my shoulder as he pumps some soap into his palm. He turns the water back on with the side of his hand and slathers the soap on as he waits for it to warm up.

I just watch his hands in front of me because I feel too embarrassed to do anything else. The weight of him against me is making me way too nervous to move.

His wet, slimy, soapy hands grab my resting hands from the counter and begin to transfer their suds. He focuses on one of my hands first and treats it as his own. His hands sandwich my left one as he rubs them together. His thumbs run across the back of my hand with the utmost softness. He locks our fingers together to get the spaces in between our fingers then repeats the process for the other side.

It’s an odd feeling having someone wash your hands for you as you can imagine, but it’s also really nice. You wouldn’t think that something so simple and mundane as hand washing could be oddly romantic. But if they’re pressed up behind you and laying their chin on your shoulder and touching your hands so softly and methodically— Well, then it is. This isn’t something I would have ever come up with. The way our hands slide past each other sends electricity through my body. The prolonged contact from this situation is nerve wracking. My heart is pounding faster and thumping harder than usual. So much so, that I can hear it in my ears. It feels so loud that I wonder if he can hear it too since he’s so close. I wonder if he can somehow feel it as well? Like, his chin is somehow accidentally taking my pulse or something or his chest can feel it in my back, or maybe my hands are sending his some weird pounding sensation somehow. I don’t know. I just hope he doesn’t know it's happening. Aside from my face being a bright crimson right now, of course. I don’t know if he’s looked at me through the mirror, but I’m way too tense to find out. Maybe it’s better if I never do? If I take a glance at him, ripping my eyes away from whatever’s happening in the sink, and we make eye contact— That’s it. That’s the end. I’d explode. Implode. All the plodes that could possibly happen, would happen. My brain would fry, right then and there and I don’t know how I would recover. I don’t think I could take it.

“Your face is really red,” He says in a quiet voice. The rumble from his chest makes me jump a little since I was so focused staring down at our hands while in my own world. I feel like I've been caught doing something I shouldn’t have been. I want to hide myself, but he has my hands so I feel flustered. I finally look at him and he has this small, smug smirk on his face as if he's happy about what he's doing to me. He glances at me as if he knows my eyes are on him then looks back to run our hands under the water.

I’m not sure if I’m crazy or not, but like, is Chanyeol also blushing? Surely I must have missed something? Like maybe his cheeks were already this color and I just hadn’t noticed? Maybe he has a light coat of blush on? I have to say something to him about it. If I say nothing it’s like it's not real, I have to confirm that he can see it too.

“Wipe that smile off your face, your cheeks are pink too,” I frown.

He quickly glances up at himself then to me. “No— I itched my face while you were zoning out. They’re still raw…” He releases my hands. He flicks off the excess water from his fingers and grabs the towel on the rack behind us to dry off.

Oh? Maybe he did? I was pretty distracted to be fair, but I feel like I would have noticed something like that.

“Is that so?” I ask and copy the flicking movement he did into the sink.

Chanyeol only smiles down at the towel in his hands then gives it to me to use. I don’t get his silence, but I just decide to let him get away with it. I assume that if I ask again he’ll do the same thing.

He grabs my cup up off the floor and waits for me to finish drying my hands from the hallway.

I follow him out once I rehang the cloth onto the rack and reach my hands out for my cup.

Chanyeol hands it back to me with a small smile.

I head into the kitchen to fill it back up then walk over to the couch all the while drinking my newly filled glass.

I pull my legs under me and rest the cup on my thigh. “Oh, wow, it’s really clear tonight.” I lay my arm on the back of the couch and rest my chin in my palm.

I glance over to the hallway and watch Chanyeol meekly enter the room.

“Come here, I think I can see a few stars.” I wave to him then redirect my vision back to the night sky. The moon is absolutely beautiful, it’s full and beaming with this wonderful candencense that I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t really given any thought to before. The brilliance from the white light raining down on everything below makes it almost seem like another daytime.

“Sehun,” Chanyeol pauses next to the coffee table. He seems oddly tense and serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this before.

“You okay?” I let out a laugh to keep the mood light and happy, but I feel it may have come out more awkward than intended. “What’s up?” I set my water down and go over to him. My eyes are still glued to the window though. It looks like there’s a small breeze outside.

“Y-Yeah— I just remembered today is the end of the month is all.” I catch him nervously wipe his hands on his pants in my peripheral.

I look up at him. “Oh— I guess you’re right.”

Chanyeol smiles and rubs the back of his neck.

“I guess you really could do it. Okay, you were right. You don’t have a problem,” I chuckle. Too bad though, I wonder what kind of thing I could have forced him to do.

He laughs awkwardly with me.

“Okay, so what do you want then?” I smirk. “Like, money? Bragging rights?" I laugh and joke. I don’t understand this atmosphere he’s putting off. It’s making me feel uneasy. "Oh, right, wasn’t it going to be a whole shelf of pickles from a store or two or someth--”

“Kiss me.”

My face flushes in an instant. My eyes widen and my mouth parts in shock. I feel light headed and a swarm of butterflies enter my gut. “Wh-What…?”

“Kiss—”

Without second thought, I grab his cheeks and spring forward. I press my lips so hard into his we stumble back a bit. He pulls me closer by the small of my back and rests his other hand on the nape of my neck.

I feel like I could never get enough of him in this moment. His lips are so squishy and soft and supple and just everything I thought they would be. I could do this forever. I’ve never felt so hungry before. Every move I make is switched to another in an instant. I feel like I have to make the most of this right here right now because this may never happen again.

I pull away for a short breath and reconnect with him in what feels like a millisecond. I have to prolong this for as long as I can. I don’t have time to breathe. And as if I could lean into him any further, I definitely try to. I feel him lean in as well. His hold on my body shifts from my back to my waist. He’s reciprocating the same force and energy I am into this. It's longing and forceful but also gentle and sweet. It's like we’re trying not to hurt one another while trying to be rough, which makes this experience amazingly cathartic.

I try my hardest not to gasp or moan. Finally being able to do this is really amping me up and I would feel weird exposing myself even more past the velocity in which I flew at his mouth. Instead, I move my hands to his sides and grasp his shirt as an alternative.

It's only a few more lingering seconds. He’s the first to pull away. I’m overcome with lightheadedness and I'm a bit saddened that it’s over already, but I agree that it's a good call. I couldn't tell how close I was to collapsing until he pulled away. Chanyeol's quick to pull me into a hug immediately though, forcing both our heaving chests together. I feel his warm breath tickling the back of my neck and his huffing close to my ear, which makes me think he can probably hear and feel mine as well. I try to force my breathing down, because in my mind, I feel that it’d bother him. But I fail and a few puffs of hair force their way out. I rest my forehead on his shoulder as a middle ground for myself so I won’t worry too much over something so stupid.

I can’t believe that just happened. We kissed… And he initiated it. Chanyeol asked m e to kiss h i m. I’m absolutely astounded. Amazed. Ecstatic. This has to be a too good to be true dream.

“Chanyeol…? Does this mean—”

“Yeah. I like you a lot, Sehun,” He says with a few slight pants.

A huge grin grows on my face. I bite my bottom lip to keep it from expanding, but it doesn’t work in the slightest. I’m just so happy. “H-How... Long...?” I try to hide my excitement.

“That doesn’t matter. I like you, Sehun. A lot.” He squeezes me tight then releases me from the hug. He moves my hair out of my face and cups it. He's blushing. And I don't have to question if I'm seeing this right. I love it. His thumbs glide over the apples of my cheeks and he looks at me with the warmest gaze. “I don’t need ambition or adventure or for any amount of “boldness.”

I stare at him with confusion. I don’t know what the heck he’s saying to me right now. I feel like I just blinked and missed thirty minutes worth of conversation and now he’s suddenly telling me what he’s into or something.

I’m about to question what he’s going on about but then it suddenly clicks and embarrassment overflows my body. I cover my face with my hands. I feel so stupid. I was hoping we would just ignore everything that happened when I was drunk.

“I just want you to be you. Regardless of whatever Baekhyun can or can’t do. I don’t want you worrying about that kind of thing. I didn’t know you worry about your abilities—"

“Chanyeol!—” I smother his face with both of my hands and divert my gaze to our feet below. I can’t hear him go on about this anymore. I’m cringing so hard with mortification that I might just have to either run away and hide or collapse onto the ground and rot.

He grabs my hands off his face and looks at me with utmost sincerity. “All I’m just trying to say is... That none of that matters because I prefer to make love instead.”

My face goes beet red. "Wh--"

"And no one can be cuter than you.” He leans in and kisses my cheek and rubs his thumbs along the back of my hand.

“L-Look, I was drunk— Okay? I didn’t mean to say any of that...”

“I’m sure you didn’t mean to say any of it. But I’m sure that when it comes to those thoughts, you had all of them at some point.

“Well, when it comes to Baekhyun, I’m insecure about almost everything…”

“And I’m here to tell you that you have no reason to be.”

I can’t help but to hug him again. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, I don’t know how to handle this. He’s being so sweet it’s odd. Finally getting this kind of attention from him feels wrong. He’s never been like this toward me before so it’s going to take some getting used to.

He hugs back briefly and pulls away to look at me, his hands grab mine. “Should we head to bed?”

I feel some sort of light panic. Bed? Right after all of this happens? Just end this moment?

“Wait— Like right now…?”

“Yeah, it’s a bit late...” He continues to rub my hand.

“But…”

“It’ll be fine,” He chuckles. He gently pulls me toward the hallway. When we come across my room, I go to enter it but he laughs and tugs me toward his instead.

He closes the lid of the laptop and places it on the floor then crawls to the head of the bed to lay down. His back is against the wall, leaving more than enough room for me.

Even though we’ve laid down together before and have fallen asleep on several occasions, I feel too shy to go along with this. Neither one of us have ever been so direct about it before so I just don’t know what to do. I stand nervously at the side of the bed as he stares up at me. With a smile, he extends his hand and leans forward to pull me onto the bed with him.

I lay down on the very edge. You know, about as far as I can be from him.

“Why are you being so shy?” he chuckles. He scooches my body away from the end then moves himself the rest of the way. He props himself up to pull the covers over us. The collar of his shirt sags a little, revealing the smallest bit of his shoulder. I feel the need to poke the exposed area and I almost keep myself from doing so since that’s how it usually is. But with this new development, I decide to try it out. I reach out and lay all four of my fingers onto his skin simply because I can. He lets out a light chuckle and lays back down next to me. Our faces are about half an arms length away from each other. We stare at one another. I don’t understand how he can be so handsome while doing absolutely nothing. And I don’t know how long I can take this. I think I’m melting under his gaze.

Chanyeol places his hand on my cheek and leans in to give me a kiss. The plushness of his lips gingerly press against mine. I immediately break it with a huge grin followed by a small giggle. I couldn’t hold them back, everything just makes me so happy.

“What are you laughing at?” He laughs back.

I worm my way under the covers until my head is at chest level. “I don’t know,” I chuckle.

“You’re so cute.” He pets my head.

I entwine our legs and rest my hand on his side. And that’s the last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep.

The morning after was a bit different. But in a good way, of course. And by different, I just mean we were a couple now. We woke up together and went out into the kitchen for breakfast. Chanyeol was being all lovey and flirty with me, giving me pecks on the mouth. We were just minding our business and cooking together. His arms found their home wrapped around me and of course a pickle found its own home in his hand. He said that now that he’s proved his point, he can eat as many as he wants again. I told him with moderation this time because it’s my job to keep him healthy now and if he doesn’t listen, there’ll be a problem. He only laughed at me and gave me a peck on the cheek. But little did he know, I was being serious.

“Congratulations, you two,” Baekhyun said to us with a small smile. "I told you, Sehun. Looking at someone else."

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow at me which led to us talking about everything this past month. How we all felt and what we thought. How certain events happened and how they led to other things. It really helped and cleared up a lot between ourselves. I think it brought me and Baekhyun closer as friends and made us respect one another more. I told him I’m not upset with him anymore for everything that happened between him and Chanyeol. To which he nonchalantly told me he might flirt with Chanyeol still, completely ruining the understanding I thought we had. But as someone who knows how hard it is to hide your feelings from someone, I couldn’t get too mad at him for saying that because I understand. But I told him off anyway because I want to feel secure in knowing these two can be around each other without worry of something happening. Of course I trust Chanyeol but after him saying that, I worry about what Baekhyun will try to do. I’m sure he was joking, but I can’t be too sure.

The rest of the day was the two of us chilling and watching shows and movies together. It was our usual, but with a sprinkle of unusual in there as well if you catch my drift. I'm just kidding. It was only kissing here and there, which I guess you could argue is unusual, but becoming the usual.

This is my last update before I officially sign off. Writing these was a way to get out my pent up feelings and now that things are looking up, I feel I no longer need to make these anymore as I now have my own support system. But I’m making this as a nice conclusion to the roller coaster we’ve all been on together.

It’s currently four AM as I write this and Chanyeol is sleeping next to me. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve been together and things couldn’t be better. I’ve been working on this on and off as things happen then writing it down at the end of the day like right now since I have a new boyfriend to focus all my time on instead.

Him and I are by each other almost every second of the day. We switch who’s room we sleep in periodically, but I think I see my bed becoming the new favorite. Since it’s narrower, it gives him “excuses.” But honestly, me too though. We’re slowly warming up to our first time with each other too. I know it sounds soon, but we’ve known each other for so many years that we both seem to feel there’s no real use in waiting anymore but we’re still thinking about it. But we kind of like the waiting game. It makes things interesting and builds tension.

Oh, and Baekhyun crashes our hang outs sometimes, but I’m okay with that since I did kind of steal Chanyeol away from him. I’m just relieved he hasn't walked in on us making out or anything. But besides those times, and I’m sure more to come, he’s basically always welcome to join us. I’m sure they felt the same when I was in his position, but I’m making sure to openly let him know because it sucks to be where I was.

And a side note about Baekhyun. Even though we’re both open about our relationship we still try to be inconspicuous about everything. So while we could lock the door, we don’t want to be suspicious. Ridiculous? Yes. And I should also add that Chanyeol has said it really doesn’t matter and no one cares because they already assume what we're up to, but I do. I don't want people to know what we're doing and it's so obvious if the door is locked. So he’s doing it for me. He thinks it’s cute that I’m trying to play coy with the universe.

Anyway. I’m excited to see how things go between us and what new experiences this brings in the future. We’re taking it day by day and we’re not rushing anything. Maybe, just m a y b e, I’ll let him lock the door sometime soon. It’ll totally be a time where Baekhyun wants to hang out though and I’ll have to deal with his teasing afterward. Because I have bad luck like that. But I think I can handle that for a while.

I’m incredibly happy. We’re both incredibly happy.

This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Goodbye.


End file.
